


The Bravest Man I Ever Knew

by recuperare



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Attempted Rape/Non-Con, Child Abuse, Domestic Violence, Drug Addiction, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, No Romance, Sexual Violence, Tragedy, Violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-06-20
Updated: 2016-05-16
Packaged: 2018-04-05 08:02:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 23
Words: 47,128
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4172160
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/recuperare/pseuds/recuperare
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is about Severus Snape. Where he comes from and how he came to be the man who made the biggest mistake of his life. This is about his friendship with Lily Evans and what it meant to him. This is about the life he survived. This is about how Dumbledore saved his life. This is about how his lust for revenge consumed him. This is why he needed redemption. This is why he is brave.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Silver Shoes

**Author's Note:**

> This isn't a happy story. I don't do graphic depictions of rape, but there is a suggestion of rape. I'll put a note on those chapters before they're read. This contains child abuse, in physical, mental and emotional forms as well as neglect. 
> 
> I wrote this story because I believe people mischaracterise what Lily meant to Snape. They don't understand it. And they think that it's this weird romantic thing, when actually I feel like it was more of a friendship type of love that's hard to explain - or that's how I'm writing it anyway. People don't understand what it's like to come from a neglectful home and find someone who cares about you genuinely. 
> 
> So, I wanted to illustrate this. I want to show Snape's background in an effort to demonstrate why it is that I found him so relatable. And I wanted to also show what I feel was the nature of the relationship between Snape and Lily, which is a type of intense friendship love that could be romantic, but didn't -have- to be. Their relationship is so much more complicated than, "Snape got mad because Lily wouldn't go out with him." And I plan on showing that.
> 
> I'll be posting a new chapter every week.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Content Note: This chapter contains attempted rape.

The pages were so old, he turned each slowly and carefully. Dorothy’s green eyes stared back at him. For the millionth time, he closed his own and tapped his bare feet together three times.

When he opened them, he wasn’t in Oz. He didn’t see a yellow brick road. Instead, he saw the peeling wallpaper on the opposite wall.A t least it was almost yellow on the peeled side. He swallowed quietly, waiting for the noise to come. Any time now.

He’d finished his homework, tidied his room, put all his things in order. Now he sat on his bed waiting. He couldn’t bear to be in the living room, watching his mother pace.

The hair on the back of his neck stood on end when he heard the inevitable crunch of gravel. He sat frozen as the steps approached, mouth growing dry. His mother ceased pacing.

The click of the door snapped him out of it and he shoved the book in the space between his bed and the wall, disturbing a cockroach. It fled like he used to try to. But now, he put both of his feet on the floor and listened to the bubble of the conversation.

It was late. Too late. He could predict the level of storm by the hour of the day like a weatherman on the radio. Late return meant a heavy storm. His mother hated when he was late. The later he was, the worse it was.

Severus had pleaded with her to not be angry at his father when he was younger, before he understood properly. Now he could kick himself. Not his pleading nor his mother’s could stop the coming storm.

The voices rose as he settled into the familiar stoop by his door, ready to shift at a moments’ notice.

“What’s the point!” his father screamed, “What’s the point in my working my arse off all day coming home to a cold dinner!”

He could hear his mother tremble.

“But d-darling, I had it all ready for you at 5:45 sharp. Y-you usually come home then. It w-was ready.”

“So I didn’t come home right at 5:45. Are you keeping tabs on me woman?”

“N-no.”

“Are you saying I’m not well within my rights as a man in this country to have a pint with my mates after a hard day’s work?”

“N-no dear. It’s not that. It’s just—“

“Just what? Just you think I’m out and getting around that’s what, right?”

“No, I don’t think—“

His mother screamed and he nearly launched off of his feet. But it wasn’t time yet. He didn’t know if it would work, he just knew he had to be mad. Very mad.

“I’m not the one going out at night am I?” his father said through gritted teeth.

He glanced through the splinter in the door, seeing a hand entangled in his mother’s black hair.

“I-I have to work at n-night. That’s where I—“

“So it’s my fault? I didn’t make enough then so you have to go elsewhere to get yours.”

A sickness spread in his belly. He knew what came next. His mind started doing what it used to do. Stepping away. Drfting like a balloon in a storm to somewhere far away. But the anger brought him back and he felt something flush his face. Not yet though, he thought, not yet.

“All you do is criticise and nag. What’s the point? What exactly are you good for?”

His mother didn’t respond. Severus heard the shallow gasp that meant she was crying.

“I’ll show you what you’re good for!”

A rustle of clothes and clink of his father’s belt. Severus through his door open.

“Dad!” he screamed.

His father’s blue eyes looked up, hands pulling his mother’s wrists behind her back.

“What do you want, Snivellus?”

Then it happened. He opened his mouth and screamed it all out, shutting his eyes.

When he opened them, his father lay on the floor, blood beginning to pool from his face. His mother, with a deep bleeding gash across her right forearm stood staring with wide, teary eyes.

“Severus… what have you done?"


	2. Yellow Brick Road

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm posting two chapters to start off. After this it'll be once a week!

The police had come after ages and twice phone by his mother. They knew the number and the sound of her voice. The first few times they came quickly, but they never caught him. A few times his mom had called, rather than the neighbours. But every time she called and refused to say anything, the slower they came.

They asked him questions, but his father’s face and blue eyes intensified. His mother pleaded with her own eyes and he kept his mouth shut. Now he hid when they came. It was just easier.

This time, he peered through the crack in his door. They had his father on a stretcher, mumbling incoherently. His father flailed his arms, reading for his mother and saying something he couldn’t make out. When the paramedics finally took him out, a few examined the cut on my mother’s face.

Someone stepped in front of his view. As the door clicked open, Severus stumbled backwards, nearly dropping his book and sat quickly on his bed. He didn’t have time to hide the book before a man in a suit and tie walked through the door.

Severus recognised his solemn brown face and looked away. “Hello Severus,” he said calmly, “How have you been?”

He shrugged, holding tighter to his book.

The man who Severus knew as Officer Jones sat next to him on the bed gently,v very aware of it’s fragile state. He knew better than to put his hand on Severus’s shoulder, as he would have done with any other kid. But this poor boy had been through so much, Jones knew, he couldn’t even stand a friendly touch.

“Severus, something has happened to your father. You know that, don’t you?”

Severus nodded.

“He’s going to live but… he is very seriously hurt… in a specific way.”

He looked form the spine of his book to the Officer’s brown eyes. 

“Now… I know you can’t have done this. Your mom won’t say who did but… the cuts to his face are very high and deep… and your mother has one as weak. A small boy like yourself couldn’t reach.”

Severus soured. He was the smallest in his class and everyone reminded him of that fact daily.

“But someone did do this. And I think you know who.”

The air between them tensed. Severus had accidentally cut the corner of a cheek of a classmate who shoved him, but that he’d never done anything like this ever before. He didn’t know what would happen, but he didn’t expect this.

“Does your mom have a new boyfriend?” Officer Jones asked.

Severus remained silent. All those times they questioned him over and over again, staying silent. Finally he had absolutely nothing to say.

“If she does…” Officer Jones began tentatively, “.. I wouldn’t blame him for wanting to get rid of the man. Your father… he’s not very good. Is he?”

Severus shook his head. His eyes filled with frustrated tears.

“I won’t push you Severus, but… you know if you came to me… if you tell me everything… we can protect you.”

He couldn’t look at Officer Jones. He was too busy trying to will the tears from falling.

He jumped when the Officer touched his hand clenching the book. Severus inhaled and the tears fell down his cheek. Officer Jones crouched in front of him.

“I know something’s going on… Your mom calls us and we come and… she doesn’t have any bruises, but we know there’s something going on.”

As if moving suddenly might give it away, Severus stood still and silent. His father’s eyes bared down on him without being there. Maybe the police could protect him, but not for long. He’d have to come home somehow. Unless they could take him far away forever, no one could save him. He’d got his father good, but he was still alive.

Officer Jones sighed, not hiding the disappointment in his own eyes.

“I know you didn’t do this Severus, but I can’t say the same of the other officers. They’ve got their suspicions. They want to bring you in for questioning or send you to an asylum… but I know what the problem is.”

Officer Jones put his face in his hands, sliding them down his cheeks to rub the stress out.

“It would be easier if you come forward. Otherwise, we’re going to have to bring you in. Maybe your mum too.”

Severus flinched at the thought, but still avoided the officer’s gaze. He knew the officer would run out of patience eventually, like he always did. They usually tried to threaten that someone would have to go to the police station, but it never happened.

Officer Jones stood and headed toward the door, turning back to Severus just before shutting it.

“Think about it Severus. I could get reassigned or moved from responding to your case. You have my phone number. You can call me if you change your mind.”

Severus gripped his book tighter, watching the officer close his door. He heard other officers mumble from behind his door, ending the investigation.

After it got silent in the house, Severus cracked open the back of Wizard of Oz, reading the added number written in ink just by the spine.


	3. Powder of Life

Severus’ shoulder sunk and he cradled his head in his arms, bored by his teacher droning on. He willed his eyes to stay open, but the head of the classroom amplified by the shut windows exhausted his senses. Opening the window may have earned him and the class a cool breeze, but the stench would have burned their throats.

He jumped when the door clicked open and everyone’s heads snapped up to see a cloud of red hair pass in front of the class. The teacher escorting the student stepped out of the door and clocked it shut again as his teacher put down his chalk.

“Class, we have a new transfer from Ms. Rich’s old class and we’ll likely be getting a few more transfers when the substitute finishes,” he said. Now addressing the girl with red hair, he said, “Can you introduce yourself?”

The girl with the red hair smiled. Severus scowled. People who were excessively friendly or happy annoyed him. They almost always seemed to want something or they made it their personal mission to painfully extract a smile from him.

“I’m Lily Evans,” she said, “I’m nine and I’ve got a bug collection and my mom is teaching me how to make soup.”

She smiled again and Severus found himself grinning slightly. He could see the rest of the class and even the teacher had been taken aback by Lily’s exuberance and fearlessness.

“Very well, Lily,” the teacher said, “You can take that seat.”

He gestured to an empty seat just behind Severus. Lilly approached and Severus turned his gaze toward his desk after she smiled at him.

Throughout the rest of his lesson, he sat frozen. His classmates, particularly the ones that caught plain sight of him, had always told him and everyone listening that Severus smelled. That explained the vacant seat. No one dared to sit behind him, lest they be subject to whatever stench Severus could neither detect nor cure.

He shouted aloud when she tapped him on the shoulder. The teacher turned on him. Before he could start in on whatever slight Severus had again been framed for, Lily spoke.

“Sorry Mr. Andrews. I must’ve scared him. I tapped on his shoulder to ask for something.”

Mr. Andrews softened at Lily’s giggle and turned again to face the blackboard.

“Do you have a pencil sharpener?” Lily whispered.

He turned with a dizzy head. “Uh… no. Sorry. I don’t.”

“How do you sharpen your pencil then when it breaks?”

Severus pointed upwards to the side of the class where a rusty old pencil sharpener sat nailed to the wall. “It’s rubbish though,” he said.

Lily lifted the top of her desk up again to look. “Oh wait! Here it is!” she said, pulling a wooden sharpener out. She stuck an already useable pencil in and narrowed it down to a perfect point. The green pencil matched her eyes.

“I suppose it’s a bit silly,” she said grinning, “But I like the pencil better when it’s really sharp.”

“Me too,” Severus said, “But you don’t want to go up there anyway. Even if it did work, they all throw stuff at you when the teacher’s not looking. Or at least they do when I try anyway.”

The sympathy and sadness in her green eyes caught him off guard. Severus had not gone travelling to wondrous locations and far away beaches like a few of his peers. The furthest he got from his home was one trip to his aunt in Bournemouth. After the coach journey, his parents had to pry his face from the glass. He’d never seen fields so green and so beautiful in all of his life. And now, in front of his face, the green eyes the same colour of the fields reminded him of chocolate shakes and hugs with the Aunt she saw only a handful of times. Yet somehow this green was a million times better. And all he could do was stare like a fool.

“You can use my sharpener then,” she said, passing it to him with a small grin.

“Thank you,” he finally said, accepting the sharpener and facing front before facing the wrath of Mr. Andrews.


	4. Magic Belt

Severus still hadn’t spoken to his mother since that night. And his father was still in the hospital. He didn’t know how to start the conversation. He thought he’d be expected to apologise, but he didn’t want to. He hadn’t done anything wrong.

The door creaked behind him and he saw his mother sitting by the radio, half completed knitting in hand, startled by the sound of the creak. He breathed a sigh of relief. For a moment, she had looked dead. 

“Mum?” he asked, broaching the subject that plagued his mind, “When is dad coming home?”

She still looked dazed as she put down her knitting.

“Soon,” she said, still looking at nothing. Severus looked away at the half faded scar on her cheek.

“How soon?” he pressed.

“I don’t know!” she snapped, standing.

Severus froze, more out of sadness than fear.

“I-I need to go to work.” She gathered her things quickly. Je stood and watched her grab her apron, straighten her winked clothes and quickly comb her hair into a ponytail, tying it back into a severe bun. “Behave yourself while I’m gone. The last thing we need is the coppers to show again.”

And she rushed out of the door.

“What about dinner?” Severus said to himself quietly.

He put down his ragged rucksack and made his way toward the kitchen, searching for a can of tuna fish.

Eileen could barely focus on the route that took her to the side of the river. She hadn’t checked the time before she left and she prayed she hadn’t missed the ferry to the laundry. It was a 15 minute ferry journey but a 30 minute walk with her ailing leg. And she couldn’t risk being late again.

She shook her head and she walked. Had it been a dream? But she’d seen him sat there plain as day. Grey beard, still with the hat smiling up at her.

“I’ve managed to quell the Ministry Eileen, but this is a rather serious matter. If Severus is showing these types of abilities, it can only mean he’s destined to become not just a wizard, but a great one of immense power. Leaving this power to go unchecked… puts you at great risk.”

Eileen hadn’t even offered him tea. Just sat coldly on the couch as he made his own. He tried to smile at first, ask her what she’d been knitting. But it was only a matter of time before they discussed the obvious.

“He can’t go,” she said firmly, “So you should just keep your owls away and stuff your letters.”

Dumbledore wasn’t put off by the rudeness. “Severus must go to Hogwarts. He must learn how to control his power, or something terrible could happen.”

“What do you know about it?” she snapped.

Dumbledore’s face tightened. “I know a very great deal about what happens when you try to ignore unrestrained magic.”

Tears threatened to fall from her eyes as she crossed her arms, “He’s not going. And I won’t have it.”

“What is it Eileen?” he asked, face softening, “It’s one thing to live between the two worlds. It’s another to reject the wizarding world all together. You’re a Prince. Once of the strongest magical families of it’s time.”

“I’m a Snape!” she shouted, the tears now freely flowing, “And I’m done with hat world and what it does to people—“

“What it does to people?” Dumbledore murmured.

“—And anyway my husband would never hear of it.”

At the mention of Tobias Snape, Dumbledore’s face soured. “He doesn’t have a say in this at all. It’s not his culture or his life.”

“Severus is just as much his child as he he is mine. And he’d never hear of Severus going off to a… wizarding school. He would never understand.”

“But he already knows there was a chance of…?” Dumbledore put down his cup of tea and stared in astonishment, “He doesn’t know… how could you not…?”

“He doesn’t. And Severus doesn’t really know either.”

“He knows he has a power,” Dumbledore argued, “And he’s trying his hand at using it.”

“It’s just a phase,” she affirmed, he’ll get over it. And he’ll go to a regular school, and then—“

“And then what?” Dumbledore found the edge to his voice. He half wished Severus had been orphaned like the other young one he’d mentored once. Maybe this one would be different. “Do you think Tobias is even remotely interested in sending the boy to university? That he’s planned for that?”

“You don’t understand,” she said, he voice cracking, “I can’t tell him I’ve been lying this whole time… He’ll…”

“He’ll what, Eileen?”

She couldn’t say it. Dumbledore knew there was something more when she avoided his eyes.

“Please tell me what’s going on Eileen,” he said, placing a hand on hers, “I can promise you that you will be safe from whatever threatens you.”

She was still looking down, this time gasping for breath between sobs.

“Please understand that I want the best for Severus. I want the best for you. I won’t force you to do anything, but i can’t call myself a decent headmaster if I don’t make sure that every student that needs my help gets it… so what do you need Eileen?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you're appreciating this work and you'd like to give back, I'm currently fundraising for my surgery. If you visit helplola.co.uk and you could spare a few quid, I would appreciate it.


	5. The Waters of Oblivion

They stepped off the cold stone steps and onto the gravel, heading south of the river towards Spinner’s End.

“You live this way?” Lily said smiling.

“Yeah. Just down the road to the left. Spinner’s End.”

“I live just to the right,” she said, “How is that we’ve never seen each other?”

“I always go early, before my dad goes to work,” he said.

“But don’t you get tired, waking up so early? And is the school open?”

“No,” he said as they continued down the road, “I just sit by the tree and read.”

He saw the edge of his street approaching, his stomach growling.

“What do you read?” she asked.

“Wizard of Oz,” he said.

“What else?”

Severus stopped, “What do you mean what else?”

“Oh, you know, other books?”

“I only have the one.”

Lily looked at him again, straight in the eyes and again became lost in the same look she’d given him before.

“Why don’t you come to my house?” Lily said “I can give you some books you an read. I’ve got other books about Oz you know.”

“There are more books about Oz?” he said, eyes sparkling.

Lily smiled again, “Of course. Plenty more. Come to my house and I’ll show you them. You can borrow as many as you’d like. Just don’t spill anything on them, okay?”

“Okay,” he said, chuffed and changing directions to follow her bobbing red hair. 

Lily’s house was nothing like his. There were no broken tiles, no yellow tinged paint chipping off the edges.

Instead, her house sat in a collection of brown bricked housing units. Some of the small front yards had the occasional neglected lawn ornament. But Lily’s had a collection of flower beds and lush green grass that matched her eyes.

The plaque on the outside of the door just above the un-chipped number said “Evans” and shined in the sunlight. Instantly Severus became aware of his two sizes too big trousers held up only by a long leather belt, the end of it hanging down to his knees. A week old stain on his shirt looked back up at him.

“Maybe I shouldn’t…” he started, as Lily opened the black gate just in front of the path.

“It’s okay. My mum can make you a snack too.”

He was too scared to interrupt so he followed her into the vanilla scented house, taking care to wipe his feet on the mat as Lily took off her shows and put them by the collection of shoes in the foyer.

“You should take off yours too,” she said, putting her bag down, “Let me go tell my Mum you’re here.”

She rushed off before he could ask. His shoes would fall off easily, no laves holding them in, but his socks… He couldn’t say for certain how long ago they’d been washed.

A series of panicked thoughts raced through his mind. Should he smell them? What if Lily came back and saw him smelling his own socks. Would she think he was weird? Would her Mum smell them and fling him out the nearest window? Could he wash them in a sink in the bathroom? How would he dry them then? It all flashed so fast through his head and overwhelmed his mind, he didn’t notice a different girl standing behind him.

“What’s wrong?” she said, “Can’t decide which ones to steal?”

“What?” he said, “What are you talking about?”

The shooting face looking down on him was almost familiar.

“My mum said she’s got enough snacks,” Lily said, arriving bac. The other girl continued to scowl.

“You brought a thief to the house,” she said.

“Severus is not a thief, Tuney,” Lily said plainly, “And if you’re going to be rude to my guest, I’ll go and tell Mum.”

Tuney scoffed and walked away.

As she turned, he remembered her face. A day when his father’s pay hadn’t come through and they stopped giving milk in school so his hunger was greater than usual. A baker stall had a bun sticking out fro, the counter, just enough for him to grab and run. He slammed accidentally into a girl who screamed after him.

“I saw what you did!” she had shouted, “I’m telling.”

That’s where he’d remembered seeing the side of her face as he ran.

Don’t worry about her,” Lily said, leading him through the house, “Mum says Tuney’s becoming a teenager and that makes you cranky.”

Severus looked around at the house as Lily led him through the to the kitchen. He’d never been in a place that looked so nice. Except maybe once when his aunt had taken him to a hotel in London. This was like that, only in Lily’s house, you weren’t worried about breaking anything and it exactly like a home. 

A long metal tube sitting on one of the wooden tables in the hallway distracted him. Forgetting his normal combination of fear and social awkwardness, he picked it up.

“Isn’t it nice?” Lily said.

“Sorry,” he jumped, putting it back down.

“Oh no,” she said, taking it from him, “This one’s mine. You can try it.” She put one end of the tube against her eye and twirled the circle at the other end with a finger.

“Try!” she handed him the tube. When he looked inside, he saw a flurry of glittery shapes moving and changing. He’d never seen anything remotely like it. He stood baffled for ages, spinning the end and watching the changes until he heard a voice calling out Lily’s name. He pulled the tube from his eyes and put it down, apologising.

“It’s all right. We better go in now.”

Her kitchen truly put the tiny hallway his kitchen sat in to shame. Her mother smiled up at them, chopping what Severus assumed were vegetables for their dinner. He’d never seen anything like them, or at least his parents never brought the green pointy sticks home.

“Just something small until dinner, okay Lily?”

“Yes, Mum. Something for Severus too? He’s my new friend from class. “So you aid,” she smiled the same way Lily had, “Hello, Severus.”

His voice had temporarily departed, so he waved.

“Mum made peanut butter sandwiches for us and some milk,” she said motioning him toward a small table set up by a big glass door. He sat on the comfy cushion of the wooden chair, spotting the sandwich decorated with flowers next to a large glass of milk. He gaped at them for a moment. He’d only been allowed milk in school years ago, but never so much milk at once. He decided to ignore the milk and inhaled his sandwich.

“Goodness,” Lily said, finishing the third bite of hers, “You’re hungry. Would you like some more?”

“Oh… I—“

“Mum! Can Severus have another one please?”

Her mother looked over from the counter and cutting board.

“I’d think Severus’ mum would be upset with me if I spoiled his dinner.”

“What are you going to have?” Lily turned to him and asked.

“Have?”

“Yeah for dinner. What’s your mum making?”

Severus blushed furiously and stammered. He couldn’t remember the last time his mum had the time to cook dinner.

“How about some carrots?” Lily’s mum said. 

“Sure,” he grinned awkwardly, not knowing what she would bring up.

The orange sticks looked appetising at first. He hadn’t expected them to be so hard and crunchy. He might have had something resembling this once, but they were always soft and mushy. He didn’t hate it, but it confused his senses.

“Do you not like them?” Lily asked, spotting his grimace.

“Oh, they’re fine,” he said after swallowing the last one one, “I’m just not used to have them this way, that’s all.

Lily tilted her head curiously, knowing it would be strange for anyone she knew to have never had a carrot. But, instead of noticing the difference, Lily just smiled and said, “Well, now you have!”

He ate the whole plate of carrots and considered asking about what might be left of the bread, but thought it might be too much to ask. Lily then led him to her room, decked out in more toys than Severus could imagine, with a big comfortable bed in the middle of one side of the wall, bedspread covered in pictures of aeroplanes.

There were aeroplanes everywhere else visible. When he’d ask about it, Lily showed him a picture of a woman smiling in what looked like a tight hat and goggles.

“That’s Amelia Earhart,” Lily said, “she tried to fly all across the world because everyone said she couldn’t. Mum says maybe one day I could be a pilot too if I worked hard. But it might be hard for girls because they always think boys are better at stuff.”

Severus briefly thought of his mother and father and said, “They aren’t.” 

Lily smiled.

She showed him all of the books she had about Oz and Severus was so overwhelmed, he whad no idea which one to begin reading . Lily handed him a large stack of three books: The Marvellous Land of Oz, Ozma of Oz and Dorothy and the Wizard in Oz.

“Can I take this one too?” Severus asked, referring to The Tin Woodman of Oz. He’d forgotten where he was in the rush of it all and turned crimson at his request.

“Absolutely,” she said, “You like the tin man the most?”

“Yes,” he said, stacking the book with the other ones.

The Severus thought of his mother and wondered if she would be worried. He never thought of her when he went out, if he ever went out. He never told her was going off to someone else’s house and the thought that this may be the day of his father’s return made his heart quicken.

“I’ve got to go, actually,” he said, standing up quickly, “My mum doesn’t know I’m here. I forgot to tell her.”

“Oh okay, it’s all right,” Lily said “I can go with you to explain if you want.”

“Oh no,” he said, quickly dreading the thought of Lily seeing Spinner’s End, “You can come later if you’d like. My um… father gets cranky when I bring new people over without warning.”

“All right,” Lily said, “Then I’ll see you tomorrow at school. And tell me what you think of the first book you pick to read.”

He moved forward, eyes still caught in her green eyes, his arm brushing past the edge of a metal tube on a dresser. It tipped and fell, and Severus couldn’t grab it with his arm of books. He winced when the sound of cracked glass echoed from the ground.

The hairs on the back of his neck raised, preparing for the impending doom that usually followed when he broke things.

“I’m sorry,” he choked out, dropping the books and picking up the tube. The end you stuck your eye to sorted a nasty gash, but Lily’s face remained unchanged. Still the crack glared up at Severus and tears came to his eyes as he babbled apology after apology, waiting for her to throw him out.

“It’s okay,” she pushed, putting a hand on his shoulder, “I do that all the time. I know exactly what to do. Watch.”

She shut her eyes and breathed out. The crack that held Severus’ eyes snapped and in the second it took to blink, the crack was gone.

“See? No problem,” she said, “And even if I can’t fix it, my dad makes these anyway. So he could fix this for me.”

Severus stood gaping at the solid mended kaleidoscope in her hand.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you're appreciating this work and you'd like to give back, I'm currently fundraising for my surgery. If you visit helplola.co.uk and you could spare a few quid, I would appreciate it.


	6. The Great Book of Records

Had there not been an audience waiting for him, Severus would have successfully snuck straight to his room with the books stored soundly in his bag. Instead, his mother sat in their dim, tiny living room with a man in a funny hat and white beard.

“Sorry mum,” he said immediately, “My friend invited me over for tea after school and her parents were there and I didn’t want to be rude.”

He knew the likelihood of his mother meeting any of his school friend’s parents was minimal, so he felt safe in the lie.

“Severus, this is Albus Dumbledore. You will call him Professor Dumbledore, is that understood?” she said without looking at him, dismissing one pleasantry to handle the other. 

The older man looked at him and smiled so contagiously, Severus grinned sideways, “Yes mum,” he said.

“Professor Dumbledore is here to speak to you about… what happened with your father.”

Severus’ smile vanished and his mother left to her and his father’s room quickly, without so much as a nod.

The old man still grinned as he motioned Severus to sit on the ratty couch while he secured himself in Severus’ father’s armchair. He hated the silence between them and he desperately wanted to ask if he was in huge trouble, maybe even going to jail. A grown up one too, considering his father’s lengthy stay in the hospital.

“Severus,” the old man began, “You are not in trouble. I am not here to punish you. The only thing I want from you is to enjoy this toffee while you tell me precisely what happened.”

He took the caramel sweet from the Professor’s hand and tossed it into his mouth, crinkling the wrapper to ease the weight of the continued silence. At first, he didn’t know where to began, how to tell the story about his father and eh the was doing. Then, the blips of memory and anger reorganised themselves in Severus’ brain. The anxiousness that had dried his mouth abated. And as he finished the last of the toffee, he felt confident enough to speak without fear.

“My father…” he began, “he hurts my mum. Bad sometimes. The police always come by, but my mum’s bruises always seem to go away. She has them though. I know. For a long time, I couldn’t do anything but get out of the way. And mum said for me to go to my room. But that time, I got so angry. I don’t know how I know, but i just knew I could do something to make him stop. But I had to wait until I couldn’t take it anymore. Then I just screamed at him… I don’t know what happened. He just fell to the floor. And I know I did it. Sometimes when I’m mad I can make things happen, make stuff shock people or throw it off a table. But I don’t know how I did that. I just did.”

His own honesty surprised him. He knew nothing about the professor and nothing about what was to happen. But for a moment he looked at his fear like a land mark in the distance, existing for once outside of it rather than caught up by it.

“Thank you, Severus,” the old man said, “What you’ve told me is very important. I must be honest with you in that what I’ve given you is called a survivor’s toffee. It relaxes anxieties and helps you reorganise your thoughts. Sometimes when we go through something very terrible, it can be hard to remember it all because it makes much more sense to forget.”

Dumbledore swooped forward and caught Severus just as he nearly collapsed from the couch. All of it hit him at once. The fear, the anger, the nausea. Things he had forgotten and hoped to forget resurfaced and it was all he could do to weep.

“I’m sorry,” he said between breaths, “He was going to hurt mum again. In that way. I didn’t want to hear it again.”

Dumbledore drew him in close. “I’m so sorry Severus. I wish I could take you from here, but your mother would never agree to it. But don’t worry. You’ll be at Hogwarts soon enough. In just a year.”

The new information distracted him, allowing his mind to resurface. “What’s that? Where am I going?”

He thought of Lily and his heart picked up. The only true friend he’d had since he could remember. He couldn’t leave her.

“Severus, all of these things keep happening around you, not just your father but everything. Haven’t you ever wondered why? And how you can do it?”

In truth, he hadn’t. The idea that he had a power greater than his father terrified him, considering what damage his father could do without any powers. He always imagined he was destined to become just like his father, no matter what he did.

“I don’t know really,” he said, “I suppose I didn’t much think about it.”

“Severus…” the old man said smiling, “You are a wizard. A real one. And your mum was a witch. There’s a whole place, far away from here for you and other wizards. That’s why you can do all those things and when you’re old enough, you can come there where I teach and learn magic properly.”

A flood of questions drowned Severus’ mind. His mum was a witch? Why hadn’t she said anything? How far away was this place? How long would he be there? Why hadn’t his mum told him sooner? And then, the question that made his heart sink… could he afford it? Or could his parents rather?

Almost as if he’d read Severus’ mind, Dumbledore added ,”No student is turned away from Hogwarts for lack of money, Severus. You will have everything you need.”

He calmed, remembering all of the questions he had and putting them into an order. He thought of Lily and he jumped when he remembered the broken metal tube she had repaired.

“Does that mean that anyone who does things like I could do will eventually go to Hogwarts too?”

“Mostly,” Dumbledore said, “Excluding those of course that go to other magic schools or those stage magicians that don’t do any actual magic at all.”

Before he could think to whether or not he should tell Dumbledore about Lily, his stomach churned at the memory of his father.

“Would my father let me go?” he said nervously.

Dumbledore’s expression stiffened. “We’ve discussed this, your mother and I. And we think the best course of action is to just not tell him. That’s why I’m here to tell you. To prove to you that this will happen. In a year, you will be ready to go to Hogwarts, but you must never tell your father about it.”

“But… what about the day I go? Won’t he notice?”

“You leave that to your mother and I. We’ll get you there. You just have to keep it under your hat. And try to keep from doing any more magic in your house. We don’t want him suspecting anything.”

“I can’t let him hurt my mother,” Severus said, “I won’t let him hurt her again.”

Dumbledore sighed, “This is a difficult situation Severus. I can only help your mother if she wants that help. I can’t force her to do anything and neither can you. She has to ask for help in her own time and you, just as much as I, have to give her that time. I wish there was another way, but there simply isn’t. Now, please do your best to keep your magic under control. Yes?”

Severus didn’t answer. Instead, he asked, “Were my mom’s family witches and wizards too?”

After his long talk with Dumbledore, Severus waited for his mother to come out of her room. He knocked a few times lightly, flinching at the sound, but when he opened the door, he found her asleep, tucked in her bed.

The next morning, she was gone when he got up for school and, politely refusing another invite to Lily’s, he went straight home after school to see if he could catch her between shifts. 

When he walked through the front door, he found her sitting committees nearly on the comfy chair, still dressed in her work apron. She jumped as he shut the door behind him and adjusted her hair. Severus hung by the door while their awkward, stifling silence continued.

“When’s father coming back?” he asked.

“We’ve got to go see him in the hospital tomorrow. They haven’t told me.”

The hospital hadn’t called, but she hadn’t called the hospital either.

He waited for a moment as she straightened the bun in her hair displaced by the couch. When she finally looked at him, he let the question fall out.

“Why didn’t you say anything?”

His mother’s eyes seemed more watery than usual. “There was every chance,” she said in a strained voice, “that you would have become a muggle.”

“Muggle?”

“Yes. A non-magical person. Like your father. Plenty of witches have muggle children with muggles. So why confuse you?”

“You could have said though. What about our family? And Auntie? You didn’t have to hide everything.”

At the thought of this, her face tightened. A few tears fell from her eyes.

“Magic,” she said bitterly, “It’s not all you think it is. It’s not just comforting toffees and floating candlesticks. Magic… can be so much worse than you imagine.”

Severus wasn’t a genius, but he certainly wasn’t naive either. There was a large something brewing on the surface. And he felt it’s ugliness. But he didn’t care. He needed to know.

“What do you mean?” he said, not wanting to anger her. “Why did you keep it a secret?”

He was getting angry now. He didn’t want to be angry at his mum, but the years alone in his room without so much as an imaginary friend stoked the fire. One measly book and all while her mother could do goodness knows with magic. He had no idea what it could or couldn’t do, but he knew that they didn’t have to live this way and if one sweet could help put his mind in order and at ease then why the hell had she exiled him there with nothing but a wretch for a father?

“Because,” she said through her teeth, “Had you never shown any magical ability, it would have been fine?”

“I could have lived with my Aunt,” he said, “She could have protected me.”

“I can protect you,” she said.

“How?” he shouted, “You can’t even protect yourself.”

He’d never raised his voice at his mother, but for once in his life he couldn’t help it. She winced but said nothing. Then Severus saw a few tears fall from her eyes.

“You don’t understand, Severus. Maybe when you’re older, I can tell you. But not now. All you need to know now is that the Princes… they aren’t good people. At all."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the day late in posting! But I do promise a new chapter every week!
> 
> If you've been enjoying this story, I'd greatly appreciate a donation to my surgery fund. Go to helplola.co.uk.


	7. Momba

They visited his father at the hospital that weekend. He sat next to eyeballing nurses and doctors who sighed when they took his fathers’ blood pressure. They said he kept complaining of stomach pains, but they could find no real reason for them. The doctors had eventually decided that Tobias Snape was doing all he could do to stay for as long as possible. 

But Severus saw the wide look his father gave him as he approached the bedside, like Severus was inching closer to him with a mine.

For once, it wasn’t he who flinched at every move, who’s neck hairs didn’t stand on end. And when his father returned home the following Tuesday, his voice was annoying but no longer booming. The natural stern of his voice lingered, but it wasn’t nearly as aggressive. And each night when Severus laid his head on his deflated pillow, the silence and the lack of tension in the air made him smile.

“You finished them all?” Lily said, green eyes wide when he brought the last borrowed book about Oz to her house. The quiet had given him time to sit and read without worrying about a sudden interruption.

“Yep,” he said smiling, “I love them all. But the tin man the most I think.”

Lily smiled. “I like the lion the most, I think. He gets so scared, but he always tries to sort things out anyway.”

Severus kicked his own feet nervously. “Sometimes it’s not so easy to be brave. All those flying monkeys tearing the scarecrow apart… and the great big wicked witch. I think I’d probably run too.”

“Well, there comes a time when you’ve just got to stand up and tell someone ‘No’,” Lily said sweetly but firmly, “My mum always says that I always have the right to say no.”

Briefly, Severus became annoyed. Sitting in a room decorated to the nines with toys and snacks and love that made Severus stutter when he spoke, how would she know what it took to say, “No.” She’d probably never been beaten the way he had. But the sourness reminded him of his own father and turned his stomach. 

He wanted to talk to her and tell her what he had to say “No” to, but he worried nothing was ever as bad as it seemed and maybe he was only just weak.

“Do you want to go outside, Sev?” she asked, interrupting his flow of inner thought, “It’s never this pretty out.”

He smiled, “Sure.”

On a select few days in the street that led to both he and Lily’s house, the smog cleared and it wasn’t so hot as to make the river stink. Those were nice days and for the past few months, he’d spent them with Lily, sitting outside her house on the grass. Normally, he’d always preferred to stay in with a good book, but these days were worth venturing outside.

“You’d never believe what happened the other day,” Lily whispered.

“What?” he asked, ear against hers as they sat looking at the clear blue sky.

“My mum and dad took me and Tuney to the zoo. She as being a right git about it all, saying she wanted mum to buy her something. Then she got real close to this aquarium and started tapping hard on it. And I said ‘Stop it Tuney, Stop it!’ and she told me to be quiet. And I got so mad I wished that all the water would spill out all on her and her new Sunday dress and you know what happened?”

“What?” Severus asked, almost knowing already.

“The water just came down all on her head. All at once like the rain. There were some animal people who came by to make sure the animals were okay. Tuney’s dress was ruined from all of the scum on the glass.”

Severus sat up, “What happened to the glass?”

“That’s just it” Lily exclaimed, “When they looked for where the glass cracked somewhere they couldn’t find any glass at all. Nothing. Like it had gone away forever.”

After Dumbledore had told him about being a wizard, Severus denied it. He had thought about Lily and the kaleidoscope many times. He resolved that it was too dangerous to tell her about it, lest she think he was some sort of mad man.

But now, he thought, something must be happening. 

“Lily… you remember that one time, when you fixed the thing in your room, the-“

“The kaleidoscope?” she said.

“Yes… It seems like you’d done it before…”

“Yeah. I did it a couple of times, when I broke things on accident. But I didn’t know if it would work.”

“All that stuff. Fixing the kaleidoscope and the thing you did at the zoo… you know sometimes I can do things like that.”

Lily’s green eyes sparkled, “Really Sev? What can you do?”

Severus hung his head, avoiding the subject of his father. “All of those things… this is going to sound silly but… we’re wizards you know.”

“What like the Wizard of Oz?” Lily laughed.

Severus frowned. “No. Lily I’m serious. The stuff we can do… its a sign that we’re wizards. My mum had me meet this old man. He’s a professor at the school for wizards. He says I’ll get a letter saying I’m going to the school. I bet you’ll get one too.”

Lily seemed to be seriously digesting the thought.

“But if we’re wizards… and there’s a whole school… how come I’ve never heard of it?”

“Cause its a secret. They can’t have everyone knowing about magic and all. My mum wouldn’t tell me very much about it but she said that all wizards go to a school and they’ve got a whole separate world and everything.”

“How does your mum know?”

“My mum’s a witch,” Severus smiled. Then it faded. “Or… used to be anyway.”

“So… I’ve got to go away from my family and off to this school to learn magic?”

“Yes,” Severus said smiling.

“Well, I won’t go then.”

“What? But you have to…”

“I’m not going to go some place that my family can’t go to.”

“But…” Severus couldn’t really form a decent argument. The thought of missing family felt strange, like breathing water or never having a heart. He’d never miss his father. His mother filled him with a flood of guilt, rather than love. How could he tell Lily to abandon her family? And why would she? Just to come to a strange school with him?

Lily’s eyes shined at him in that familiar, captivating way, and she watched his shoulders sink.

“My mum could write me?” she asked, “When I’m at this school?”

Severus face brightened, “Of course. I mean, I don’t know. it’s not some sort of prison. And Dumbledore made it sound—“

“Dumble- who?” Lily laughed.

“Dumbledore,” Severus said grinning, “He’s a professor there. He says it’s great. And everyone can go there. Even if they’re poor.”

The words came out before he remembered to filter, then he blushed. Lily looked at him thoughtfully.

“If I can write my mum… and if they let everyone go, maybe it’s not so bad to go and learn magic.”

Severus smiled. At least, he thought half afraid to go somewhere new, he would have a friend.

On his walk back home, he thought of both of them sharing a balloon all of the way to the school, flying in the dusky air. For a moment, he forgot Lily had asked him again if she could come and see his house. Maybe if he kept putting off, she would keep forgetting she asked.

He jumped as he creaked the front door shut, noticing his mother’s face reflected in the hallway mirror. A dark blue bruise encircled her eye and she pointed at it with a wooden stick.

He watched the bruise shrink just slightly before she turned to look at him, eyes wide like she’d been caught with her hand in the cookie jar.

“Severus…” she began.

And without explanation, he knew. All of the times the police came, all the times they’d checked her for a sign of the savage beating he winced through listening in his room, she was hiding it. She was helping him.

“What are you doing?” he screamed at her. Although he knew.

“Nothing,” she said, putting the stick behind her back.

“What’s that? Did he hit you again?”

“No. It’s nothing, Severus. I just fell down.”

“Fell down and hit your eye? You’re lying!”

“Severus!” she shouted, which she rarely did. It snapped him from his escalating hysteria. “Go to your room.”

“But why? Why are you doing this? Why are you helping him?” His voice was cracking.

“Severus, you don’t understand the situation. You need to go to bed.”

“Mum, you have to tell them. We have to call the police and you have to show them what he did.”

“I’ll do no such thing and neither will you.”

“What? But I-“

“Listen to me,” she snapped, grabbing his collar, “You are a child. You don’t understand this. You don’t understand what would happen if your father went to jail. It’s bad enough, what you’ve already done. Why’d you think he got mad anyway? The best thing you can do is keep your mouth shut and keep out of the way.”

“But mum-“

“Go!” she shouted, pushing Severus toward his room. He tripped on his feet, falling back through the door. His mother grabbed the handle and slammed it shut.

It was then that a series of emotions that Severus would eventually come to expect passed through him. At first, it was the sorrow and guilt. He wondered how many bruises he’d caused any time he mouthed off or even slipped up. He wondered why he bothered to do anything and whether the silence and timidness of his father was just the calm before the inevitable storm. Then the fear came and he wondered if he was in line for his own bruises.

Finally the anger hit him. Raw and unbridled, he wanted nothing better than to slice his father into a million pieces. And why then should he be blamed for his father’s crookery? He didn’t cause his father’s behaviour any more than someone could cause a train crash. 

And so he resolve himself to one day equalise the situation, to make his father scream with all of the pain he’d ever inflicted on them both. If there was one thing he’d do in his life, it would be to kill Tobias Snape.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you've enjoyed my story so far, please consider donating to my surgery fundraiser. You can find out more by going to helplola.co.uk.


	8. The Bun People of Bunbury

A group of boys surrounded him, shouting taunts and teases of all kinds. He was poor. He was greasy. His nose was too big. He liked a girl who would never fall for him. Or maybe the fact that they weren’t together meant he must be some sort of queer. He never paid much attention to it at first - but it’s hard to ignore a circle of blokes crowding around you, on the brink of punching you at every second.

Not wanting to incite a riot and be pummelled to death, he stood still, eyes vacant and mind in the same distant and broken place he went when he heard his father yell and his mother scream. 

“Stop it!” someone screamed through the crowd. They dulled down slightly and a few moved aside for a red ponytail bobbing between them. 

“Stop it now or I’ll tell! I will! I swear!” she screamed at them, “I’m not afraid of you!”

The group of boys went from surprised to bemused, a few covering their mouths.

“Hey big nose, looks like your girlfriends got more bollocks than you!”

They backed away in a laughing heck;e Severus knew would later rekindle. His face flushed intensely.

Lily turned and scowled for a moment, “Those jerks,” she said. Then her gaze softened. “I hope you’re okay.”

“I would have been fine,” he said through clenched teeth.

“That’s good,” she said, almost not hearing and then catching up. “So do you— wait… are you mad at me? For helping you?”

He wasn’t exactly mad. He couldn’t really be mad. But he wanted to be. All the energy, fear and intensity bombarded him at once, threatening to push past his clenched jaw.

“It’s just— you—“ he stuttered, “You don’t understand. What you did wasn’t helping. God! How can you be such an idiot!” It flew out of his mouth before he realised what he’d said. It had been said to him constantly. And he said it to himself constantly. But Lily, who probably only heard suggestions of insults from her sister Tuney at most, was not ready for something like that. And he could tell in her glossy green eyes.

“I was trying to help,” she said with her voice wavering, “But if you don’t need my help then… maybe we don’t need to be friends…”

She turned from him and walked toward the school building.

“Lily, please! I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it.”

But she said nothing and continued to walk. He followed her only shortly to try and explain, but it didn’t help.

“Please Lily. I just got so mad and I’m sorry. Please forgive me. I didn’t mean it. I swear on my life.”

But Lily walked through the doors silently and continued on to class. He followed weakly behind and stayed silent. He spent most of the class staring at the stream of unmoving red hair. She wouldn’t even look at him.

Lily didn’t return to the classroom after lunch and after school, as he walked toward Spinner’s End, he debated whether or not he wanted to head to her house. Was that going too far? A short bout of bravery shot over him and he diverted from the normal path and stood before he knew it in front of her house. He was worried he’d lose his nerve so he didn’t linger and instead walked up the familiar steps and rang the doorbell.

He waited anxiously for the sound of steps. Would Lily’s mum scream at him the way his father usually did? Would she even hit him? And what could he do but tell his parents and they might say he deserved it or it was all his fault.

Then finally they came. He shut is eyes as the door creaked and opened them to find Lily’s mum looking at him. No clear expression on her face. He spoke before she had a chance to reprimand.

“I’m sorry Mrs. Evans. I just wanted to see if Lily was home and I wanted to tell her that I’m sorry for what I said. I called her an idiot and I didn’t mean it… I’m the idiot really—“

“Severus, why don’t you come inside for a moment?”

She didn’t seem angry, but she wasn’t as cheery as she normally was. He walked through the door tense as a bow string and ready to run away at a moment’s notice. 

“Come with me to the kitchen,” she said. He followed, not too close behind.

The kitchen was full of the wonderful smell of baking bread and he had only briefly smelled this a few times, early in the morning if he passed a bakery on the street.

He sat down on one of the wooden stools next to a table covered by a cloth decorated with strawberries.

“Go on, have a muffin,” she said, putting an open one down on the plate in front of him. He spooned some of the jam from a jar next to him as if they jam would ignite at any moment. He wasn’t going to turn down free food.

She sat back at the table pushing a cup of tea toward him He’d nearly eaten a half of the muffin, taking the quietest bite he’d ever taken.

“Severus… I know sometimes we can say things we don’t mean, but you understand why Lily is upset don’t you?”

She was so nice, he couldn’t bear looking her in the eyes. He just nodded his head instead.

“Sometimes when you make a mistake you can say sorry right away… but it doesn’t undo what you’ve done.”

He didn’t have anything to say, so he continued to chew. She picked up a plate that was under her teacup and held it over the side of the table in the air.

“If I were to drop this,” she said, “And it broke into just two pieces… well, I might be able to glue it back together fast… but the crack would still be there, yes?”

“Yes,” he said.

“And if it broke into more than two pieces? If it broke into… 20 or 50 pieces, what then do you think?”

It took him a moment, but then he realised what she’d asked. 

“It would take longer for you to put it all back.”

“Yes. And what about the cracks?”

“They’d still be there,” the las word caught in his throat.

Mrs. Evans reached across the table and touched his hand. He was so unused to everyone touching him in a friendly happy way, he flinched terribly. She didn’t seem to be bothered.

“No one is perfect, Severus,” she said gently, “We all make mistakes. We all do things that we regret. But when you have broken some pieces, you need to give them the chance to put the pieces back together. What would happen if I tried to use this plate and it was in 20 pieces?”

He shook his head. “It wouldn’t work,” he said.

“That’s right,” she said, putting the cup back down on it, “Lily needs some time. And if you really want her to be happy, you need to give her some time. You understand? She’ll likely come around and maybe understand that you made a mistake. But you can’t very well use the plate while someone’s trying to glue it back together?”

“No. Mrs. Evans,” he said.

“Right,” she smiled again, almost exactly like Lily, “Why don’t I make another muffin for you and another cup of tea and then we can talk some more okay? If you’re okay with it… I’d like to ask you about your family.”

At first he felt nervous. But Mrs. Evans wasn’t the police was she? And even if she called them, all he’d have to do was deny everything and nothing would happen.

So for another hour, he sat and talked. He left some of the harsher details out, but he confessed to the violence between his parents, his dank room and sparse meals. He even told her about the endless sea of bullies, about how Lily bravely stood up for him and about how he knew, as much as he was grateful for it, having a girl fight for him would only encourage the bullies more.

For a moment, he thought of telling her about Dumbledore and the letter he thought Lily would surely get. But just in case something changed, he didn’t want to disappoint her and Lily. 

“But I suppose though it’s not so bad. I’ve got my own room which is more than some kids have.”

Mrs. Evans shook her head. “Oh Severus,” she said, “Which would you rather have? Dinner every night or your own room?”

Severus knew immediately what he would want more, but didn’t say anything. Instead he just sat quietly with a blank face and soggy eyes. She touched his hand again.

“If you need anything” she said, “Something to eat or somewhere to go, you can come here. No matter what happens to you and Lily, know you can come here if things get bad for you.”

“Thank you,” he choked.

Mrs. Evans’ mood lightened. “Now you finish up that muffin and I’ll get you home. And if you’re hungry tomorrow, you can drop by later.”

He smiled and wolfed down the muffin with jam and inhaled his tea. Before he got up to leave, Mrs. Evans insisted upon giving him food to put in his bag, but only if he were sure he wouldn’t get in trouble for it. It wasn’t too late so he didn’t think his father was home just yet, so he still had time. She gave him a pack of slated peanuts, a bag of sultanas, a roll of digestives, a roll of ginger nuts, some crisps, a jar of peaches in syrup and a bar of chocolate. He smiled as he slunk the bag over his shoulder.

“And here,” she said, passing him a thin silver metal tube. Severus lifted it onto his eye toward the light and watched the green and gold flecks shimmer.

“I don’t think I can take this,” he said after a few moments of looking in it, “It looks like it costs a lot and you’re not supposed to take things that cost a lot from people.”

Mrs. Evans smiled and shook her head. “It’s okay. Lily’s father makes all sorts of them. We’ve got plenty, so feel free.”

Severus didn’t know if it was more awkward to refuse again then to take it, so he just bit the bullet and took it.

“Thank you,” he said again. 

“Now you lead the way,” she said, and before he could speak, “And don’t worry about your parents. I can handle it.

He wanted to argue the point, but he could see the same determination in her face that Lily sometimes got. When something was decided, it was decided.

He led the way down Spinner’s End, glancing back furtively at Mrs. Evans every once in a while to she he’d begun shivering or glancing around as if fungus was growing everywhere and would jump out at her at any moment.

But her expression of resolved calmness never left. As they approached his door he suddenly didn’t know if he should knock on his own door or just open it. Before he could make a choice, the door flew open with his mum on the other side.

“Where have you been?” she said, pulling her greyed apron of her head, “I needed your help cleaning before your father gets home.”

He opened his mouth to speak but Mrs. Evans passed him with an extended hand and a smile. 

“I’m sorry about that. My name is Joanne Evans. I live just down the road. I believe Severus is friends with my daughter Lily. He just came over for a little after school snack but it wasn’t enough to ruin his tea, don’t worry!”

He thanked her yet again internally for not mentioning the argument. His mother looked up at Mrs. Evans like she was an alien and briefly shook her hand weakly and awkwardly.

“I’ve got to go to work Severus, but your father will be home later,” she said, rushing back inside of the house and leaving them both the walk timidly forward.

The living room was a bit of a mess. He’d gone to bed early the night before and woke up nearly late from school. It was possible he missed it all in the grogginess. Now that he thought about it, he wasn’t sure when he fell asleep or why. His mother had sent him to a room with a glass of chocolate milk, a special treat for cleaning his room and the bathroom quickly before his father returned. He downed it as fast as he could, horribly thirsty. He remembered laughing a lot, but nothing else. Then he woke up with a book in his lap just in time to make it to school if he ran.

The living room looked like a cyclone had passed through. One of the wooden end tables, or the only one, and the lamp that sat on it stood trashed on the floor. Clothes were strewn everywhere, a glass spilled on the floor, his father’s belt hung off the end of the coach. Severus clenched his jaw.

“I don’t have time to stay,” his mother said, collecting her keys, “See your friend out and clean up in here, will you?”

She left before he could get a word in. Mrs. Evans stood just past the door frozen in his place like she’d just seen an ant tap-dance.

She breathed in heavily and then turned and looked at Severus. “Shall we then?”

He tried to argue, but Mrs. Evans was clearly staying and helping him clean, no matter what. It was almost humiliating, and would have been were it anyone else, but Mrs. Evans had a way of cracking jokes and making Severus smile, and one time even laugh. As she placed his father’s folded trousers and belt on the couch, Severus wished the mess had been larger.

“Are you going to be all right by yourself?” she asked.

“I don’t know what would make him more angry,” Severus confessed, “having you here when he got home or just… being himself.”

Mrs. Evans nodded and sighed, “Well, I might go home then. But if you ever need anything..” She looked to the corner of the room where an antiquated phone sat not he floor. “Does that thing work?”

“If he pays the bill, yes,” Severus answered.

“Do you have a paper and a pen? Where’s your school bag?”

He found it and rifled past the food for his ratty notebook and the old pencils he had. Mrs. Evans held the pencil like she were writing with dry pasta and wrote a series of numbers on the back cover inside of the notebook.

“If you need help, call the house. Call any time. Or come over. Whatever you need.”

The house felt eerie when she left. Quiet, like the dead air in the eye of a hurricane. Maybe a bit sunny. Severus grabbed the bag and headed toward his room, squirrelling some of the food in his clothing bin and some in his drawers. He sat down on his rickety bed with the jar of peaches and flipped open a book Lily had leant him. In the silence, he smiled.

Hours later, the sound of the door opening jumped him from his book. He crept up to his door slowly, spotting his mother through the crack.

“Is your father here?” she said, pulling the barrel from her hair, after he walked through his door.

“I don’t think so,” Severus said.

She tiptoed toward their bedroom and sighed when she spotted the empty bed.

“He’s out… I’m sure… What time is it?” she checked her watch. Then she stared vacantly in one place for several minutes, like she was trying to find a needle in a haystack just with her eyes.

“You should be in bed Severus,” she said dazed. “Let me get you some milk.” She walked to the kitchen without asking and Severus quickly returned to his room, sliding the jar of peaches under the bed.

She walked in with a tall glass of water and two small white pills.

“We didn’t have any more I’m afraid. Your father must have drunk it,” she said looking nauseated. “I want you to take these,” she said apprehensively, “They’re vitamins.”

He wasn’t the top of the class in his school, but he knew what was happening. He decided not to argue, but curiosity’s sake, he tested the waters.

“Aren’t you supposed to chew them?” he asked.

“Not these ones,” she said, “They’re strong. I know we haven’t been able to get you all the food you want. So these will be good. Cheaper. They’ll help you grow strong.”

She rasped at the end, clearly trying to force the lie. He took the two pills and downed a quarter of the glass. Then he lifted his covers, avoiding moving the bag of sultanas by his feet, turning on his side.

His mother sat by his bed and rubbed his back. He breathed in slowly and smiled at the touch, maybe the first time in weeks. Maybe once in a blue moon, his mum might rub his back to wake him up in the morning, when he’d slept in and din’t have schools.

He closed his eyes and the thought of the yellow brick road winding through the land Oz.

When he woke in the morning, he was an hour late for school. He rushed past the trashed living room, forgetting to eat breakfast.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you've been enjoying this story, please consider donating to my fundraiser. Go to helplola.co.uk.


	9. The Magical Mimics

[[Content Warning: Domestic violence, rape threats and homophobic bullying in this chapter]]

"Where do you think it is?" Lily asked

"I don't know," Severus replied, "Look everywhere?"

After a week, Lily spoke to him and gave him a chance to apologise fully. She accepted it, but warned him that this was the last time she would accept an apology for it.

"I don't let my friends call me names," she said firmly, "If you're going to call me names, you can't be my friend."

He promised that this was the last and only time he would ever slip up. After a few days, they got to talking about magic again and that's when Severus remembered the stick that his mum had held to her face. He thought it must've been some sort of magic wand. He wasn't sure what he was going to do when he found it, but it was worth trying.

"What did you say your mum did with it?" Lily asked, peeping under the couch. Who knew what lay there?

"She did some magic with it," he said, "That's all. I couldn't tell what it was but I know it was magic something." He hated lying to Lily, but he wasn't ready to tell her the whole truth. And he didn't think Mrs. Evans would say anything.

"I don't think she'd put it there," he said, "Too easy for me to find."

"Why would she hide something like that from you?" Lily asked, "Does she not want you to go to the school?"

Severus sughed, putting a dead flower back into a vase sitting on a table. "I don't know what she wants."

And then it came to him. He remembered where he saw her put it.

"I need a chair!" he said, rushing toward the folding cheap metal chair sitting next to a table near the kitchen. He dragged it over just next to the mirror his mum had been looking in.

The long oak framed mirror hung from the wall with a tight metal string. He motioned Lily to the left of it, hoping she could pull the mirror so he could have a look underneath.

"Are we don't something bad?" she asked, before putting her hands under the mirror.

"I just want to see it," he reassured, "I won't do anything with it. I don't even know how."

She nodded and tilted the bottom of the mirror forward to one side, the side next to Severus rising. He followed the wood grain up until he saw it. A long wooden stick secured with tape to the back of the mirror. He grabbed it, ripped it off just shaking the mirror and cheered.

"I've got it!" he said, jumping off of the chair, "My mum's wand!"

He examined it with Lily, both tracing their fingers over the designed etched into the end of the handle. It looked like a long elegant serpent curved around a smooth bit of wood, it's tail wrapped around what looked like a emerald in the hilt.

"Do you think we'll get one like this?" Lily asked smiling, "It's lovely."

"Sure. Maybe once we've had some lessons, we'll get one."

They sat for a half hour on the floor staring at it. Severus only tore his eyes away when he heard a familiar bumbling and commotion heading to the front door.

"Hide! My room!" he said quickly to Lily, pulling her to her feet and showing her towards the bed, gesturing under it.

"Shut your ears and eyes and don't come out -- no matter what. Promise me Lily," he whispered urgently.

She nodded fearfully and stuck her fingers in her ears. He pulled is tatted duvet over, covering her face and shut the door behind him just as his father barrelled through the front, brandishing his mother's hair in his fist.

"You don't fucking listen!" he screamed, shoving her onto the sofa.

His mother cried and fell to the couch. Severus gripped the wand harder behind his back as his palms began to sweat.

"I'll teach you to mouth off," Tobias Snape howled, grabbing his mother by the shirt so hard, a few of the buttons flew off.

"Dad!" Severus shouted just as his father balled his fist.

"Oh, you," he said, looking straight into Severus' black eyes, no longer timid and afraid, "I suppose you're all grown up now and want a chance to tussle with your own father, right? Bit of a rebellion then?"

Severus pulled the wand from behind his back. His mother's eyes widened and his father's face cracked into a smile.

"What the hell is that thing?" he screamed, slapping his thigh in a roar of laughter, "What are you going to do? Poke my eye out?"

"I'll do what I did to you before. Don't you remember?"

"What did you do, Snivellus? I don't remember you ever growing a pair of bollocks and facing me like a man. Just cowering in the corner like a nancy boy."

"I'll do it," Severus said, gripping the wand harder, "I swear."

"Severus," Eileen whispered, "Please don't--"

"You keep out of this and let the boy stand up for himself. You keep smothering him and he'll grow up a poof. C'mon then Snivellus. Fight for yourself."

He realised then and there that he had little clue if the wand actually work if he'd just made life for himself much, much harder than it needed to be.

"Severus..." Eileen whispered, and he steadied his and.

What did he want? His father's heart to stop, for one. Or no, that was too easy. He wanted him to hurt. He wanted him to suffer. He concentrated on his father's advancing face, jumping out every so often and making Severus flinch. Finally, his father rolled his eyes.

"You're a pathetic coward," his father said, turning on his heel and wrenching his mother up by the hair. As she screamed, so did Severus.

A red beam of light flickered like a whip out of the tip of the wand, snapping across and hitting his father square on his right cheek. He howled and released his mother, turning on Severus and snorting through his nose like a raging bull.

"That's it!" he screamed at the top of his lungs, "I'm having you!"

He charged at Severus and just as his father nearly collided with him, Severus slid out of the way. His father attempted to grab his wrist, laying hands on the wand instead. He wrenched it easily from Severus' sweaty grip and took one look at it before snapping it clean in half.

"You want to fight me, you fight me like a man and not with some stupid magic stick you cowardly queer!"

He charged again at Severus, pulling back his arm and knocking him on the side of his face. Severus first felt the pain in his jaw, heard his mother scream and it all went dark.

He opened one eye, the other refusing to bulge, to a vision of green meeting his own.

"Severus? Are you okay?" Lily called.

His head swam when he lifted it and the soreness across his jaw ebbed harder as consciousness gripped him. He responded with a groan.

He could see Lily and Mrs. Evans in the background. Then the flash of blue lights he'd seen time and time again. His heart skipped. Finally they had something on him. Finally there was a bruise, a mark. Something to take to court. His father would be put away, surely. Once and for all.

Lily put something cold on the side of his temple and he winced. Then he remembered.

"I'm so sorry Lily," he said through the pain, "You shouldn't have had to hear all that."

"It's all right," Lily whispered. He could tell her eyes were red. Probably from crying, he thought. How terrified she must have been, sitting alone under his creaky bed. "I'm just glad that you're okay."

"What's going on?" Severus asked after he'd had a few breaths.

"The police are talking to your parents," Mrs. Evans said, "We're just waiting for them to come in and talk to Lily."

"Mrs. Evans, I'm so sorry I--"

Mrs. Evans put out her hand. "You didn't do anything wrong, Severus. You didn't cause all this."

She stopped when a detective clicked open the front door, letting the shine of the blue lights in. Severus wondered when it had become night.

His heart sunk when an unfamiliar detective walked through the door sharing his father's smarmy grin. He sauntered through the door, folding up his pad, flanked by his father, smiling like a cat in a den of catnip, sneering.

"So... Sonny," the cop said, crossing his arms, "Had a go at your father, did you?"

"What?" Severus said, still listening to them thump of blood in his temples."

"It's like I said Barry. He went mad at came at with the kitchen knife," Tobias Snape roared, brandishing the clean cut across his cheek.

"And what am I supposed to do then do you think?" the detective said, crouching at Severus' feet, grinning, "I'm supposed to take a good honest man here to jail all because his poncy little shit of a son cops an attitude and tries to knife him?"

He stopped grinning and inched towards Severus' face, his breath smelling sharp like his fathers often did. "Kids today," he grimaced, "No ruddy respect for the older generation. In my mind mate, you got what was coming to you. Have another go at your father again, and I'll take you to prison all right. And it won't just be sad because you can't wisten to the wadio," he mocked. 

The his eyes grew sharp and intense, ice blue and as cold as the English channel in winter, "No. You wanna try and fight like a man, I'll put you in with 'em. Lock the door and throw away the key. And you'll get the night you always dreamed of!" He cackled, nearly spitting in Severus' face.

"And I hope he does do it and all," Tobias Snape added, "Probably thinks about it every night!" His father made a rude gesture that coloured Severus face and he stared at the ground until they both stumbled away, laughing and howling, the detective tipping his hat at Mrs. Evans before he left.

Severus could feel the tears welling in his eyes and he strained with the last bit of effort he had to quiet them. As he looked up, he only realised that Lily and Mrs. Evans still stood next to him. Lily looked near tears as well with her mother's hands clasped over her ears.

Mrs. Evans wasn't crying, though. She stood staring blankly, like she was hypnotised. Her mouth sat slightly ajar, limbs as stiff as a tree trunk, like she'd been spotted by a monster that could only see her if she moved. She jerked slightly when she heard the sound of the front door shut.

"He's back," she whispered, barely audible to Severus' ears.

"What?" Severus asked.

Then she came fully to her sense, turning Lily around and scooping her up into her arms. She looked at Severus then like he stood on a tiny bit of a cliff, just as it was out to fall, not near enough time to reach out and grab his hand.

"Severus. I need to take Lily home. But--" and she looked around to make sure no one else was there, "You come to my house tomorrow after school with Lily. Or if you have to, you can come tonight. if you get scared. If he--" she stopped, not wanting to make it happen by saying it out loud. "If he's going to hurt you... find a way to run and come to ours."

She started for the door and he stood quickly, no longer able to stop his tears. "Wait," he strangled, "Can't you take me with you?"

She winced. "I can't Severus. It would be kidnapping. They'd let me. And... If I try they might hurt you worse... just go in your room and if you think you're going to get hurt again... come to ours, okay?"

He nodded, but she was already out of the door. The silence of the house overwhelmed him. He heard muffled chattering outside, maybe his parents arguing but all of the sounds felt fuzzy.

Severus tried to process the reality of what had just happened, the let down of all he'd hoped, the last straw that he thought would send his father away had finally vanished. It was hard to accept it. It didn't register. He expected tears and terror, but instead he felt like his body was a balloon attached to his mind at the end of a string, bobbing in the air.

He willed himself to make for his room, and his body complied. He watched himself slide underneath his bed. A little voice had said he'd be called a coward, that it would be worse if they found him. But sitting out in the open felt so raw, like trying to stand on a limb that had fallen to sleep.

For ages he lay there in a timeless stupor, nerves on edge, carefully listening for the familiar sound of steps, the familiar howling, for the calls of "coward" and "poof" and "ponce". When he heard his door click open, he shut his eyes and listened to the sound of his rapidly beating heart. 

The duvet shifted. Someone was looking for him. Then he felt a light touch on his wrist. His body should have flinched, but it was frozen still. He recognised the light touch. His mum. He could tell by the lack of sharp sting. She reached up and ran the back of her forefinger across his face.

"Severus," she said, snapping him back to reality.

It hit him like a mouth ful of cold, salty seawater. And he began to cry.

"Hush," she said, pulling him from under the bed and getting him to his feet, "You can't let your father hear you. He's laying down now. Here, get into bed."

He was trying to get control of his breath, but every time he went to breath, his chest heaved and the air sucked into his lungs like a snap. His body kept taking in short tuffs of breath as strong as a backwards hiccup. It made his heart beat faster. He couldn't stop it. Every few seconds, he made a short gulping sound like someone who'd been under water for a long time just came up for air.

His mother squared him to her, shoulders in her hands, shaking him slightly. "Come on Severus! Get ahold of yourself!" she whispered sharply.

The gasps didn't stop, but he got better at masking the sound.

"Why are you" he said between gasps, "with him?"

His mother closed her eyes and shook her head.

"It's complicated Severus. You're too young to understand. It's time for bed."

He continued gasping as she pulled the duvet over him.

"I've got some vitamins for you," she said in that weird, detached way. He hadn't noticed the glass of water sitting on the floor next to his bed. One of his father's custom pint glasses. He briefly thought of gasping and dropping it on the floor and the rage that would follow as he took the pills from her and put them in his mouth. Before she passed the water over, he slid them under his tongue.

He thankfully didn't gasp while he drank, but he funnelled the water just over his tongue, drinking only a little. As his mum turned towards the door, he pushed the pulls out of his mouth and into his palm. Then pulling it under the bed.

"Mum," he said, after one last gasp, "Aren't vitamins expensive?"

She hesitated, then turned to him and smiled, "Don't worry about that. I've got a friend who's giving them to me."

"That's nice," he said, settling into his bed and yawning for show. After the door clicked behind his mum, he put the pills in his pillowcase, sat up in bed, and found the jar of peaches. After his growling tummy had soothed, he relaxed back into his bed and tried to drift to sleep, the pills dancing behind his eyelids and a few tears falling from his cheeks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you've enjoyed this chapter and the work, please consider donating to my surgery fundraiser. http://helplola.co.uk.


	10. The Phanfasms

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Content Note: Mentions of rape and incest, but no descriptions.

Eileen Prince stood in a queue with her ticket in hand, ready to clock in for the day. The sweat from the steam of the main wash room mixed with the cold sweat on the back of her neck.

After punching the card, she excused herself from a gaggle of women exchanging the newest gossip of the day. She knew running to the loos straight away in the morning got everyone talking, but she didn't much care. It was at least enough to draw away the suspicion for a couple of months, anyway. What she'd do after that, she'd have to figure out then.

She snuck just past the door to the loos and back through the unlocked door of the manager's office. There was always a window where she had time. The manager went to the loos the same time every morning, like clockwork. All Eileen had to do was sneak in, open the side drawer, pull a bottle out of it and spoon a few pills out in her hand.

They were the same size, small white tablets. The bottle a name on it starting with M that she'd always forget, but her boss had mentioned it once when they had a chat about a bruise she'd forgot to hide.

"If you get some of your husband some of these Mandrax tablets, he'll head straight to bed right after dinner. Won't be staying up all hours of the night and getting grouchy. My husband used to stay up for days until he took a few of these! But now he's got a ritual that works, but I keep the bottle just in case. Works like a charm in the meantime." She'd told her boss that he had insomnia and had attacked her once after not sleeping for weeks.

If she was caught, it was easy. Just tell her that she was giving them to her husband. She thought she might try that at first, kept the first few in her purse for weeks. But a good time never came. And the thought of him finding the tablets in his food made her want to throw up at the dinner table.

And she'd noticed, one time when she lay on the ground, the side of her face swelling and ebbing with pain. When Severus was asleep, he was quieter. Not any less painful and the demand for silence sometimes pushed him to do more terrible things than strike her face. But Severus still slept silently, unknowing, in his room. And Tobias never, in her small recollection, yanked him out of bed or even startled him from sleep.

So that was how it had to be done, the pills came into her mind one harsh evening. She could predict the arrival of an oncoming storm. He always got worse, making up for time he'd lost. And she had to know that Severus was sleeping. She had to know there was no chance he would wake up, and fight again.

She managed to save some of her wages in a jar buried in the yard, now moved because the last jar had been found by some kids desperate for booze and fags who had spotted her hiding in the day. The jar before sat in their house until Tobias took it to the races, swearing enough profit to pay to send Severus away to a private boarding school. He returned drunk, penniless with only a fistful of bruises for her. So she started over, like she did again and again, like a phoenix exploding as soon as it hatched.

But now that Severus had shown his magic abilities, now that she couldn't ignore it, there would be escape enough for him. A future of some sorts, but the thought curdled in her belly.

Her life had prepared her for the worst, despite the outward shell of decadence. It was true, Tobias Snape was a drunken scoundrel with a short temper and a dreadful countenance. But he had no power, no power that Eileen could fear. Slaps and shouts were nothing next to the sight of sparks at the end of her father's one, choosing between herself or her sister. What would it be today? The searing, blinding pain worse than any sore dull bruise she'd ever had, or worse? His voice insider her mind and everywhere else he could get to.

She had seen into the eyes of the devil, witnessed wickedness crueller than she could deign to speak. Tobias Snape was like an ornery workhorse that didn't know his own strength, like a temperamental donkey that didn't know what it wanted. Her father was the cackler with the whip.

And all she had to do was everything mostly right. Dinner, hot when he came home. Patience and allowing him as a man the ability to exercise his own wants. And in exchange, she had a house. She had a son, unexpected as he was, and he she had a solid place to call home. The roof over their heads, as her father would say, was a testament to their lives. You can be as happy as you'd like, but without a home you're nothing.

And she had a home. She had a son. She had a husband who earned a steady paycheque. And her father's voice would echo in her head. What else could she want from life? Three square meals... sometimes. But there were people who owed naught but the dirt underneath their fingernails. Perhaps showing a bit more gratefulness would make him more sympathetic?

Still, she knew it wasn't the best place for Severus. Tobias was too hard on the boy. But Tobias was not a monster. Tobias never crossed the threshold of his bedroom door, sneaking like a rat into the night. Severus would never know the fear of falling asleep, would never know the terror of the dark outside your imagination. And you can say that for Tobias Snape. He was a brute - but he was not a monster.

So long as Severus stay sleeping through the night, until he set off for Hogwarts. He would have a better life there. She shoved the thoughts of Severus, aged, pointing his wand at a tiny shivering girl from her head, she shoved two pills into her pocket and rushed out of the office door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I appreciate the kudos as always! If you can give anything to my surgery fundraiser, I'd appreciate it. Visit helplola.co.uk!


	11. The Yips

"Do you think we'll learn how to pull rabbits out of hats?" Lily asked.

They both lay in a beautiful patch of green grass in Lily's garden behind the house, spotting funny shapes in the clouds. It was how their Saturdays usually went.

First, Severus would come over early in the morning and enjoy a fantastic breakfast that outranked the cold oatmeal he sometimes had by far. There would be eggs, sausages, potatoes, tomatoes, beans and black pudding. Severus would gladly inhale it all. When Mrs. Evans remarked how well he cleaned his plate, Severus felt guilty at first. But Mrs. Evans had said to him very firmly that he was not only always welcome at their lovely house, but that she preferred he spend as much time away from his house as his parents would allow - so long as he was okay with that, of course.

And he had. Short of moving all of what little things he kept in his room, there wasn't anything more anyone could do to make the Evans house feel more like home to him. And while he was inside those four walls or in the garden, he shoulders eased and his mind relaxed.

"I don't know," he said, answering Lily's question. "Maybe. Dumbledore didn't say what we'd learn."

Lily giggled. Dumbledore's name always made her laugh. 

"What?" Severus asked smiling, knowing the answer.

"His name is funny," she said.

"Well maybe he thinks Lily is a funny name," Severus said, turning his face to hers.

She stuck out her tongue, "Maybe he thought Severus was funny too."

"He probably did," Severus said without smiling, "I don't know why my mom called me that."

"I like your name," Lily said firmly, "It's like all those names in those myths, you know? The ones my mum told me about... one of them's called... Sissfuss or something. And he got in trouble with the gods for doing something and now he has to push a big rock up a hill forever. When he gets it to the top, it just falls right back down to the bottom."

"Siss fuss?" Severus asked, "That sounds like a really bad punishment."

"Yeah," Lily said, "But it's like that. One of those stories."

"I've never heard anything about those," he said.

Lily's green eyes widened. "Oh maybe mum can tell us about all of them together again."

Severus nodded.

And then it came out of his mouth. Like the truth had been simmering, steaming and screeching, just waiting to blow.

"My dad calls me Snivellus," he said. No emotion present on his face and eyes looking into and past the fence he could see just past Lily's ear.

She sat up and grabbed his hand and squeezed it. His eyes snapped back to hers.

"I'm so sorry to say this Sev, but your dad isn't very nice."

"No, he isn't," Severus whispered, as if his father could somehow hear.

"And he's not right about you, you know," Lily said, taking his hand in both of hers, "Your dad is wrong."

The feeling of Lily's hand on his was so strange and unusual, he almost flinched from the contact. After a moment, he grew used to it, then liked it. It was odd, but something about it felt solid and comforting.

"Lily--"

"I'm telling! I'm telling!" Lily's sister then called, jumping out from behind a tree.

Lily jumped, releasing his hand. Severus sat up. "Telling about what?" she said.

Tuney had spent one day picking on Severus while he was out of the house, and every time she tried to shoot a verbal barb at Severus, Lily stood in the way. By the end of the day, she'd gone to Mrs. Evans who separated Tuney from them and called her into the house. The moment felt tense as a bowstring for Severus, but Tuney just came out pouting and since then had set to satisfy her frustrations by trying to catch them doing something wrong.

"You're holding hands," Tuney smirked, "You aren't supposed to do that."

"Says who?" Lily argued.

"Holding hands isn't something babies like you should be doing," Tuney said, folding her arms in front of her. 

"Why? I hold mum's hand when I'm scared or sad. Sev was sad, so I held his hand. What's so grown up about that?"

"You know what is," Tuney said, rolling her eyes.

"What is it then?" Lily said, "Say what's so grown up about it."

He could see Tuney searching herself for an explanation like a drowning person trying to breathe.

"It just is!" she finally sputtered, "And you're not allowed."

"Go tell mum then if you're so sure," Lily snapped. He rarely saw her angry, so when she was, Severus knew she wasn't kidding.

"I don't want to be around you and Snivellus anyway," Tuney said grinning.

Lily leaped toward her faster than Severus could even react, pushing her sister by the waist back and toppling her to the ground. Tuney yelped and Lily backed off a bit, staring down at her.

"Stop it!" Lily screamed at Tuney, "Stop making fun of him!"

Mrs. Evans came through the back door shouting, "What's going on?"

Lily immediately burst into tears and Severus stood and quickly ran to her side, awkwardly pausing before grabbing her hand and squeezing it in his.

After Mrs. Evans comforted Lily, she discovered the reason for the confusion. Severus breathed a sigh of relief when Mrs. Evans told Tuney to stop spying on them and that there was nothing wrong with holding hands with a friend, especially if they were sad.

As she said it, she looked into Severus' eyes with her own brown ones and frowned just slightly. She felt sorry for him. Normally this would enrage Severus. His father had taught him that pity was something to be ashamed of having if you got. But there was something warm and irresistible about the comfort. Lily grabbed his hand and the tightness ever present in his chest eased.

They spent the rest of the day looking at the clouds, coming inside to sit and read books together as it got colder. Severus sat happily, propped against a pillow rested between his back. His right hand shifted the pages as he finished them of The Road to Oz. His left hand held Lily's as she flipped through the pages of her book.

"You know where we could go?" Lily asked after turning a page.

"Where?"

"The library," Lily grinned, "It's fantastic. My mum takes me sometimes. And they have tons and tons of books."

Severus tried not to frown. "I don't think I could afford to go," he said.

"Oh it's free!" Lily said, "And you could even take some books home with you too. If you promise to bring them back."

Severus eyes widened. Such a place seemed impossible, especially for free. But he knew Lily wasn't a liar.

"I've never been before," he said.

"We should go then!" Lily said, releasing his hand and standing, "I'll go tell my mum. Maybe we could go next Saturday."

Severus smiled. "That would be nice. I'd like to go."

Later, Mrs. Evans told him it was getting too dark and he'd probably have to go home. Stepping past the threshold from Lily's house into the inevitable walk toward his own felt like stepping out of an air conditioned room into a sauna. The closer he got to his house, the more his palms sweated and the delicious dinner in his stomach soured. By the time he got to his stoop, the tightness in his chest resumed and he took one final breath before opening the door.

His mother shuffled about, adjusting things on shelves and pulling rugs. To the untrained eye, it might have looked like she was cleaning, but Severus was well aware of the paranoid, frantic chicken dance his mother performed before his father came home.

"Where have you been?" she groaned, not looking at him.

"Lily's house," he said, knowing she wasn't listening.

"You can't just disappear Severus, not when I need to make dinner," she said, stopping her sweeps with a half bristled broken broom and gesturing toward a pot with a can of something in it sitting on the stove and a loaf of store bought bread on discount.

"It's okay," Severus said, knowing a can would hardly fill his father up, let alone and his mother too. "I've already had some dinner at Lily's. I think I might just go to sleep."

His mother stopped sweeping, rubbing the palms of her hands on a tatted pink apron hung across what looked like one of her evening dresses. "If you're going to bed, then you should take one of your vitamins."

She pointed him to his room and disappeared while he put on his oversized pyjamas. She passed the two pills and the glass of water to him. Their exchange was artificially normal and Severus hid the pills under his tongue while drinking the water.

"Good night," she said, absentmindedly shutting the door behind her. He pulled the pills out of his mouth and stuffed them in his pillow case.

He thought about sitting up, about reading one of the books Lily lent him and finishing up the rest of some of his snacks. The spaghetti Mrs. Evans had made sat well in his stomach, along with the side of broccoli.

"What's this?" he has whispered to Lily at the table, pointing his fork toward the strange tree looking bit on his plate. He'd known it was a vegetable since it was green, but he'd never seen anything this green before. Usually vegetables he knew came canned and mushy, embedded below a layer of cheese or boiled into a pile of unappealing slop he always despised.

"Oh, that's broccoli! Is this your first time trying broccolis?" she whispered, eyes wide with excitement.

"Yes," he said cautiously, remembering a time when he asked a classmate why the carrots were crunchy and the whole of his class laughed in his face.

Lily grinned, "Great! Go on and try it and see what you think! I love broccoli."

It was crunchy and strangely tangy, like a sour sweet without the sweetness. At first, it felt bizarre. The idea of a crunchy vegetable felt so out of place. But the more he munched on the tiny florets, the more he liked it. He smiled and nodded at Lily.

"This is nice," he said, finishing the first bite and taking another, "Aren't vegetables supposed to be mushy though?" he asked through a half full mouth.

"Mum says that mushy peas with fish are okay but other vegetables should be crunchy because that means it has all the good stuff in it that makes you healthy."

"Hm," Severus said through another bite. Eventually he finished it all and asked for seconds.

Now he lay curled in his bedsheets as still as the broccoli had been on his plate. When he heard the crunch of gravel, he tried to keep his breath steady.

The muffled noises of conversation. Sweat pooling on the back of his neck. The increase of volume and the first of many of his mother's screams. The crash of something, a pot or a can. More screaming. Sickness spreading in his belly.

After waht seemed like forever, pulled as tight as piano string, Severus ruffled through his pillowcase, grasped a single pill in his sweaty hand, threw it down his mouth and swallowed. Then he lay in his bed with his eyes squeezed shut.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you've been enjoying this story, please consider donating to my surgery fundraiser at helplola.co.uk.


	12. The Cuttenclips

He woke up on time that morning, just a little bit groggy. The school day had passed as usual, lectures from the teacher, help and smiles from Lily, nasty looks and jeers from everyone else, Lily returning the nasty looks.

They sat now in Lily's back yard again, Severus' brow furrowed over the maths equation he was meant to solve.

"What's wrong?" Lily asked, looking up from her grammar workbook.

"Just this maths stuff," he said, wincing at the pain in his head, "I hate it."

"Here, let me look," Lily came over and peered at the equation over his shoulder.

"Oh, I think I can remember this," she said, pulling out her notes and showing him how to solve it. The information stood for a moment in his mind, but when he looked back at the equation, it disappeared like smoke int he wind. Severus made a few futile attempts before grunting and tossing the book to the ground.

"What does it matter anyway? I'm going to Hogwarts in a year. Who cares if I fail muggle school?"

"You'll still get grades though," Lily said, "Doesn't your mum and dad care about those?"

She didn't mean it. And she couldn't have known it. But when she asked the question, Severus remembered the first note from school he'd brought home about his superior intellectual bility and great promise as a student. His mother hadn't noticed, too busy re-arranging the house to notice his small hands shoving the paper up to her face. But when she mentioned it to Tobias Snape later, the man laughed, called Severus a brainy poof and told him to man up.

He wasn't sad because of the sting of his father's insults. He'd grown too used to that. He was sad because for a brief moment, he could see Mrs. Evans plucking the paper from his tiny hands, grinning widely and pulling Severus into her arm. And he knew also in that moment that Mrs. Evans wouldn't like do such a thing and that he would never know a mum or dad that would beam with pride for him.

Severus wept.

"I'm sorry!" Lily said, jumping up and looking about like Severus was on fire and she needed a bucket of water, "I'm sorry Sev. I didn't mean anything!"

"Lily... I don't know what to do," he said, letting the tears roll freely down his cheecks, not holding them with a leather leash by the skin of a tight ball in his throat.

"I'm sorry, Sev! Should I go through the problem slower or--"

"No, not about that," he said, wiping his face with his sleeve, "It's my mum."

"What happened?" Lily asked, steeling herself.

Could he tell her? He looked at her sweet green eyes and wondered. He never wanted those eyes to see what he'd seen. So he thought of the truth and told her a version that would only affect her in part.

"He just... he goes after her every night now. I can hear. They think I'm asleep but I can hear."

He knew there was nothing she could do. Nothing Mrs. Evans could do. But it felt good to say it out loud. It released some of the tension in his neck, but other tension stayed on his mind, skipping over the details about what he'd heard and the small white "vitamins" his mother was giving him.

Lily wrapped her arms around him and at first Severus stood still, locked in place like a tin man without oil. His immediate thought was to throw Lily's arms off of him and howl. He didn't need comfort, because it wasn't reliable. 

His mum might comfort him before a typically bad outburst of his father's rage, then show nothing at the end of the next rage. Comfort was fleeting and he wondered if it actually made things worse in the long run.

But the physicality of it all, the feeling of someone's arms wrapped around his shoulders firmly, relaxed the tension in his body. He reciprocated only after he'd let go of the fear and apprehension. But it was still all new, like everyone around him knew how to tie and tie and he was the odd one who didn't.

His tears stopped as she released him and he tried to force a smile.

"Thank you," Severus said.

"No problem," Lily grinned, "But I don't know what to do about your mum."

Severus shrugged. "In a year more, things will be different. We'll be at Hogwarts, away from all of this."

"You're sure we're going to be invited?" Lily asked.

"Absolutely," Severys said, "We're both already doing magic. And if they don't invite you, I'll get my mum to get Dumbledore down herself."

Lily giggled. Then a thought popped into her tiny head.

"I know!" she said, "I know what you can use!"

She jumped to her feet and rushed into the house. After waiting a few moments, Severus stood up and went through the door. Lily came rushing back, something bunched in her hands.

"What's this?" Severus asked, squeezing the white material.

"It's what my dad uses in his ears sometimes when he has to use some of the loud machines to make the kaleidoscopes. It blocks out the sound!"

"All the sound?" Severus asked, eyes wide.

"I don't know, but it's worth a try," she said.

He put the material in his oversized pocket and girnned. "Thank you Lily."

"Why don't we go outside? It might make you feel better and we'll get away from Tuney."

He smirked, "That would be nice."

After getting her mum's permission, Lily led Severus up and down to the end of the row of houses, distracting him with talk about Oz.

"Why the tin man?" Lily asked, turning around at the end of the lane, "And not the lion. He wants courage, and isn't that good?"

"Yeah of course. I mean it would help him so why not?"

"But you don't want courage?" Lily asked, not knowing where those thoughts might lead Severus.

He shrugged, "Courage can't help me."

She heard the mournful tone in his voice and tried to change the tune. "But you already have a heart. A great big one too. You don't need another."

Severus grinned, "I reckon not. But I know what he must be thinking. He wants to feel like others feel. Not to be so like..."

"Made of tin?"

"Yeah."

They had been so stuck in talking and walking, neither of them noticed a huge black dog bounding toward them on a loose leash. 

The beast leaped off its front paws, placing them on Severus' chest and knocking him over on the pavement, barking in his face. Severus was too shocked to flinch every time the jaws got closer to his face. He just sat firmly on the ground, muscles clenched, hearing Lily shouting in the background.

"Get the dog off now!" Lily said, and the beast pulled back, still hanging forward but restricted by the now retracted lead.

"Oh, sorry about that," a boy a few years older than them with slick black hair and a permanent smirk offered his fake apology.

"You're not sorry for anything," Lily said, helping Severus get off the ground. The dog still pulled at the lead, snapping in Severus' direction, flinging lose tendrils of frothy drool on the ground.

The boy's expression soured. "Well if you're not going to appreciate how I train Fluffy, then maybe I should just let her do what she wants?"

"Fluffy?" Severus scoffed.

It took him three seconds, just enough time to turn and launch himself toward an unfamiliar lawn and jump over the fence before the awful boy let Fluffy loose from the lead. Severus made it just over the fence as Lily yelped in surprise.

His long and overgrown jacket had caught on the sharp point at the corner of the fence, yanking it from his arms, not protecting his shoulders and arms as his feet slid in the grass on the opposite side. He fell flat on his bum and back.

"Sev!" Lily shouted, running toward the fence and stopping just short of Fluffy barking loudly at Severus through the slats of the iron fence. The tall, older boy laughed.

"That's enough now!" an old woman stepping out of the house of the lawn Severus lay on, "You take that mangy mutt and get out of here!"

The older boy grabbed the lead and tugged the dog away and down the street, all the while grinning back toward Lily.

"Are you all right then young man?"

Severus pushed himself off of the damp ground, wet patches seeping into his pants and rough shirt. 

"Oh dear, that can't be good. After a storm..."

Despite the clumps of damp dirt clinging to his hands, Severus insisted he was just fine.

"You look an awful mess," the old woman said, "Please come inside for some tea and I can get you some fresh clothes my boy's left behind."

Severus knew his manners. "Oh no, I really couldn't". He'd learned them mostly from radio programmes.

"No, no. I insist. And your friend, Lily. She can come too."

"You know me?" Lily said.

"Yes, of course dear. I've seen your mum at the nursery back when I used to be a midwife, right when you were a tiny thing. She'd remember old Mrs. Page, you can ask her."

Lily smiled but Severus looked sideways at the old woman, wary of promises easily made and gifts easily given.

"I don't know if we should go into some strange person's house we don't know."

Lily looked to the ground, embarrassed by his forwardness but understanding his point.

"You're quite right," the old woman grinned, "Well just wait out here then and I can give you some clothes to take home. But make sure you go straight to wash when you get there."

"Okay," Severus promised, and smiled.

The door gave that familiar creak as he pushed himself through, squinting in hopes he'd open his eyes to an empty house.

No sign of his mother.

He pulled off his muddy clothes and shoved them in a cloth bag his mother would sneak into the laundry to get washed. He pulled on what he used for pyjamas and set the clothes Mrs. Page gave him at the foot of his bed, just under it so no one would notice if they stumbled in blind drunk.

He pulled out some of the snacks he still had hidden in his room, making a note in his mind to ask Mrs. Evans for more. Then he pulled out another book Lily had lent him, a Nancy Drew book that Lily insisted was wonderful.

A loud banging disturbed him from finishing another chapter and Severus instinctually hid his book and the little bit of food. He had no watch, so he had no idea what time it was or how late it had got, but his father had come home. Severus could now hear the muffled yells and screams, sounds of his mother pleading.

He fumbled off of his bed, reaching for his jacket and spotting a huge hole from the fence in the tail. He gathered up the white material and shoved it in his ears, lying back down on his bed.

They were quieter now, but still there. The nuance was lost in his father's words, but the volume overcame the material and years of strained listening helped him fill in the gaps.

After another of his mother's screams, Severus darted his hand into the pillow case, pulled out a white pill, chucked it down his throat and swallowed. As he lay on the bed, he hummed to overcome the sound until the pill brought him unconsciousness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you've enjoyed this work so far, please consider donating to my surgery fundraiser. You can find it at helplola.co.uk.


	13. The China People

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Content Warning: This chapter contains corporeal punishment.

Severus snapped to the front when the door to the classroom clicked open in the middle of the lesson. That was never a good sign and it could only mean that the headmaster was visiting and he usually delivered a stern "You better behave or it's the ruler for you" look. The slightest cheek earned you a difficult and a painful days writing, if you could.

Instead of a tall man in a pressed suit, the blonde boy with the slick glare and a smirk stood in front of them and Severus swallowed loudly. He was too afraid to turn around and see Lily's face. Instead, he stood still on the spot like the boy was a hyena ready to pounce. 

"Class, this is Winston. He's going to be sitting in the back of the class at one of the spare desks and he will be speaking and interacting with no one for the next few hours. Is that clear?"

The boy smirked and nodded. "Name is Wins, though. My father's Winston."

The teacher gestured to his sear and Winston walked down the aisle of desks, looking down on Severus as he walked by. Severus' spine felt like a piano string, nearly pulled beyond it's capacity.

"Apologies for this class but a shortage of rooms and desks means me all have to make allowances. I expect everyone to be on their best behaviour."

Lily put a hand on his shoulder and relaxed it a bit. "It'll be okay Severus. Don't worry."

The teacher droned on and on and occasionally Severus wrote something down but he couldn't ignore the tension slowly growing in his back. He could feel them. The blond boy's eyes boring holes like huge bullets into the centre of his shoulder blades. He could feel them burrowing into the skin, weedle-ing about,nudging their way past his spinal chord and into his chest where they would laugh so hard he could feel the echo pounding in his throat.

He didn't notice his clenched, tight fists, the deep furrow of his brow and the red colour in his cheeks. Had he looked in a mirror, Severus would have seen a face too much like his own father's just before the kettle whistle. Still, the memory of the hot dog's breath on his cheeks, the tension in his tightened jaw as he held his lips together to avoid tasting the droop stuck deep in his mind. The shame and the ridicule of being saved by an old lady, the mocking face as the bo walked away and his father's voice echoing in his head, "Coward! Queer! Sissy! Coward! Coward! Coward!"

A crumpled piece of paper smacked the side of Severus' lanky black hair and without really knowing but really knowing who threw it, Severus spun around and faced the smirking blonde boy and screamed, "Don't touch me you dirty son of a bitch!"

The teacher spun around, dropping the chalk on the ground.

"Severus Snape!" the teacher shouted, "That outburst earns you three strokes! Up to the front!"

Severus deflated and stood on his shaky feet. His mind raced and he felt nearly invincible, almost like he wanted to upend the teacher's desk and storm from the classroom, but he knew better of it.

"But wait!" Lily called out, "Severus just shouted because that boy--"

"Does Master Snape have an accomplice?" the teacher asked.

Severus looked at Lily's reddening face briefly and shook his head, returning forward to the front of the class, standing on the side of the desk, arms raised. He wanted to close his eyes and wince, but instead he stood stone faced, willing his hands not to shake. He was going to take his punishment like a man.

The smacking sound the three strokes made across his palms echoed in the classroom between the bouts of snickering. Severus held himself as still as possible, willing himself to become a statue, a soldier made of tin with no heart and no emotion.

What a stupid wish, Severus thought as the wind from the first pass of the cane brushed his face. Why a heart? Why the ability to feel? Being sad wasn't worth it. For the small seconds of happiness, it was never worth it. By the landing of the last stroke, Severus had tears threatening to breach his eyes. He was thankful that they didn't fall on the way back to his desk.

Lily wrapped a few bandages around his head as they sat in her family's car. He gaped around the vehicle at the shiny fixtures and antsed in his comfortable, cushy seat. The bandages didn't change the specks of purple and ligh rising across his palm, but they made Lily feel better, so he let her do it, revelling in the calming and comfortable way she held his hands in hers. 

"There," Lily said, securing one of the bandages, "Are you doing okay?"

"Huh?" Severus said, pulled from his surroundings, "Oh yeah. I'm just looking at all of the things in here."

Lily smiled, "It's nice isn't it? My mum said one day I could drive one."

Severus had never been inside a car before. Maybe a taxi cab, here or there, but never a car. Even his aunt refused to use them, preferring they take the train where possible. She had called them confusing and dangerous, but Severus still felt calm and comfortable in the cool back seat, the soreness from his palms ebbing, nearly forgotten.

"Ready to go?" Mrs. Evans said after opening the door and sitting in front of Lily.

"Ready!" Lily shouted.

They both turned to Severus and he smiled weakly and nodded.

The drive felt dizzying and intense to Severus, but he didn't want to say anything, lest he appear ungrateful. By the time the car stopped in the parking space just outside the library, Severus' mind spun in circles, especially when he closed his eyes.

"Are you okay?" Lily asked again.

"Yes, I'm okay," he lied, nearly tripping as he got out of the car.

"Here we are!" Lily said, holding his hand to steady his balance, "The library!"

It wasn't a large building as Severus had dreamed. He had pictured a colossal castle with endless walls of nothing but shelves for books. Instead, it was a short brick building only slightly larger than Lily's house.

Inside, however, it was nothing like a house, with more books than Severus had ever seen in a single place.

His neck would ache later that evening from the permanent way he held is head to the side to skim all of the titles on the shelves. Lily's too with her red hair hanging down past her knees.

The amount of choice overwhelmed Severs. He wanted to systemically remove each book from it's place, open the first few pages, read some of the introduction and then find a random page and take in a paragraph or a few lines of dialogue, but there just wasn't enough time. Mrs. Evans had said they had an hour before they were going to need to return to eat the spaghetti Mr. Evans prepared.

As it drew closer toward their time to leave, Severus felt cool sweat on the back of his neck. He wanted to choose a book, but there were just too many. The titles jumped out at him like piranhas, one too many in tank leaping for an ounce of flesh dangling on a string. He could feel himself growing more upset as the clock ticked, dread building in his chest and sting growing in his eyes.

Lily touch his shoulder and he jumped, nearly yelping.

"Did you find a book yet?" she asked innocently.

Severus opened his mouth to speak, though he couldn't find the words. Without a pause, Lily looked at his face and grabbed him gently by a sore hand.

"Come on, we'll ask the librarian!" The dread in his chest subsided.

The librarian was a very hard faced, stern old woman wearing an ironed white blouse with a ruffled collar. She wore a gold necklace with a blue stone circled ing old, and that blue matched her straight, long, ankle length skirt and the blue beaded tether that kept her large glasses from falling off. With one look at her, Severus would have never guessed she'd do anything but tell them to be quiet. But after Lily approached her and asked for her help, the librarian's face softened and she smiled, taking her glasses off and putting down the paper she'd been reading.

"Now then," she said standing up, "What sort of book would you like?" she asked Severus.

Words still managed to elude him, so Lily spoke up in his place.

"Sev really likes Wizard of Oz... and stories about magic... Do you know any stories about magic? And wizards?"

The librarian smirked, almost evilly and Severus half wondered if she was planning on turning them both into frogs herself. "I believe I have just the thing."

She walked ahead of them, past a few rows of books, stopping at one and scanning a section neither of them could reach. Severus marvelled at her ability to remember any book's location given the sheer number of them.

She pulled out a book and handed it to Severus. The front bore an image of an orange brownish skinned person with what looked like a hooded cloak and cropped, straight hair, the scene drawn using a serie of thick, curled lines. Above the drawing was written, "A Wizard of Earthsea."

Below he could see it had been written by someone named Ursula Le Guin, which sounded to Severus very wizard-like indeed. Maybe she'd teach him something at Hogwarts? Severus kept his thoughts to himself and instead, happily took the book from the librarian's hands smiling. Then he finally found two words, though his voice was scratchy: "Thank you."

He wasn't exactly late when he snuck through the front door of his home. To have a curfew, you have to have parents that enforced it. Still, the new library book burned a hole in Severus' bag. He kept having visions of his father rifling through the bag on a hunt for imaginary booze or fags, crawling across it and ripping it to shreds, telling him that only queers and girls read.

Instead, his father sat slouched on his favourite armchair, dangling a bottle between his thumb and pointer finger on Severus' right.

"Dad, I--"

"Where have you been?" he said, belching his last word. A she leaned in, Severus inhaled a cloud of beer stench. His heartbeat grew louder in his ears.

"Lily invited me to the Library and I-"

"Come here," he gestured toward him, slurring with his hands.

Severus took a few tentative steps forward, "Mum said I could go."

"Forget that evil bitch," his father sneered, "We need to have a talk. Man to man." He hiccupped and gestured again.

When Severus got within arms reach, two empty palms clasped the sides of his shoulders, bearing down heavy weight. Severus tried not to shout.

"My boy," his father began, "My... boy..." There was a crack in his voice that pulled Severus out of his wince. It was rare, but sometimes it happened. Sometimes his father grew a heart and soul.

"I'm so sorry, Severus," he said, pulling the boy in tightly.

Severus held his breath over a thick cloud of sweat, musk and alcohol.

"I'm a rotten old man. I am," his father continued, "What I've done to your mother... I only ever did it because she makes me so mad, Severus. I can't control myself. I've always been a passionate fella, like my mum used to say. Can't control my temper. Can't see to reason. I only want the best for you, you know that son?"

Severus put on his calm face, the detached but engaged look, mind floating above the entangled body. So many years of practice and Severus had truly perfected his art. He always apologised, he always felt sorry - but the number of his father's tears never stopped the number of his mother's bruises.

"Of course father," Severus said, reading from the script in his head, "You've got to earn a living." Sometimes his father's rants were so predicable, Severus could lead them onto their inevitable conclusion. His father would cry and howl, eventually attempting to half heartily tuck Severus into bed before having another drink and collapsing somewhere.

"Damn right! Earn a living. That's what your mum doesn't understand. All the birds, they have it so easy. They don't know what it means for a man to earn his living. His way and his place. They just think their handbags and chocolates grow on bloody trees, don't they?"

Severus emptied his mind and separated himself from the feelings, keeping the muscles on his face still. His father could go from sympathetic to cruel at the drop of a hat. He could never be too careful.

"All they do is spend," Severus recited. 

"S'right!" his father exclaimed, jotting him into his side, "Spend, spend, spend. Your mum is a lovely gal but she doesn't know the first thing about getting a household up and running. But you'll see, my lad. One day, you'll have a proper job, maybe with me down in the factory and you'll find some bint who does some good things, but mostly works you until your breaking point. Then you'll see down the line, how you've got to put your foot down, remind her who's in charge."

Severus nodded blankly, only moving when his dad shook his shoulder or playfully jostled him about like a buoy in a tumultuous sea.

"One day, you'll see, Snivellus," he joked, pushing his fist to Severus' chin, "I have told you about the birds and the bees, right son? You got to know what the point of all this then."

"Yes," he said, quickly, hoping his father wouldn't recount the grim state of humanity, once more. The discussion sickened Severus to the core, but he was glad that those desires had seemed to pass him by. He thought it might make him make fewer mistakes.

"Right, old boy," Severus didn't flinch as his father smacked his thigh, "You know I'm only harsh because you I know you've got it in you to be a great man. Don't you?"

"Of course," Severus muttered, "I understand. It's for my own good."

"That's right," his father said, taking another swig from the can, "If I don't teach you how to be a man good and proper you'll end up being a fucking queer."

Severus gritted his teeth.

"Right, it's about time you got off to bed," his father slurred, "Off you get then."

He walked briskly toward his room, not too fast to be noticed but quick enough to get away from more conversation. He heard his father mutter about loving him and tucking him in, but after 30 minutes of solid stone waiting, Severus heard the sound of his father's snores through his thin door.

Lying on his bed, he pulled out the Wizard and the Earthsea from his bag and stuffed it between his wall and his bed, just next to the remainder of the crisp packet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you've appreciated this story so far, please consider donating to my surgery fundraiser. helplola.co.uk.


	14. The Equinots

"Well I've got to start collecting my own, Sev," Lily said, holding a large jar with a dab of honey in the bottom out into the chilling autumn air.

"But how do you think they get on all those boards, Lily?" he asked, thumbing through the pages of his own copy of The Wizard of Earthsea. When he brought it back to the library for the 20th time, the librarian surprised him with a copy he could keep.

"I don't know, I didn't ask," Lily said.

Severus shook his head. Lily had acquired a fantastic collection of bugs from an eccentric uncle who'd passed away. It included loads of glass boxes with pinned beetles and a few butterflies. Lily had never asked how the bugs came to be pinned.

"Lily," Severus began gently, "I think you're meant to catch them and then kill them."

"What?" Lily said, dropping the jar, "But that can't be right. You kill bugs by squashing them. None of them are squashed."

Severus conceded the point, "But they don't look older either. Some of the beetles are really small."

"I think they're meant to be though... I think what you do is you catch them and then you just wait for them to get old or die. Bugs don't live so long you know. And we don't know how old they are because bugs don't have white hair or anything."

"Yeah," Severus grinned at the thought in his head, "And they don't smell like mothballs or wear old clothes either." He imagined a tiny bug wearing his aunt's old tattered cloak and furry winter coat.

Lily smiled back. "And they don't pinch your cheeks when they see you or tell you that you should curtsey."

"And they don't have funny first names like Gertrude," Severus said, now laughing. The image was silly and it made him temporarily forget about a section of a book he'd looked over on collecting bugs and the words "kill jar".

"What's so funny?" a mocking and recognisable voice approached, "Finally caught a look at your own reflections?"

Winston approached from the dirt path winding through the park when Severus spotted the huge Fluffy on the lead, he lept up, abandoning his book in the dirt and crawled up the tree as fast as possible, nearly missing the snap of jaws as Winston let go of Fluffy's lead, allowing the dog to charge.

The dog's bark echoed in Severus' ears, nearly freezing his limbs. He got a second grip on the branch, not caring as it scratched the side of his face and he clung to the tree for dear life.

"Stop it!" Lily screamed over the dog's thunderous bark, "Leave him alone!"

"Aww, your girlfriend has guts, big nose," Winston laughed, "What are you doing hanging out with that loser anyway? Why don't you come with me, I can get my father to drive us in his new car."

Winston extended a finger out to brush Lily's cheek as he spoke, but Lily smacked it away as soon as he made contact as quick as Fluffy's jaws snapped up at Severus still dangling.

Winston's jaw tightened, but he still forced a smile and a cold look at Lily. "You're awfully cheeky. But there's not much you can do to argue. My father owns the laundries and the factories." Winston looked up mockingly at Severus still clutching to the tree. "He owns this town and he can do what he likes. And so can I."

He stopped closer toward Lily but she didn't so much as flinch. "My father doesn't work int he factory. He runs his own business making kaleidoscopes. So he doesn't need your father or anything else. So take your stupid dog and bugger off!"

Lily stepped closer to Winston who backed away at the shout. He wasn't frightened, but instead digested the new information.

"Evans?" Winston asked, trying to keep a handle on his cheek.

"Yes," Lily said, still narrowing her eyes.

"Well," Winston said, "It may be that our fathers go into business at some point... so my father tells me." He put on a cheesy smile.

"If I go home and tell my father you keep bothering me and my best friend, they won't."

Winston stared at her, sizing the threat up. Meanwhile, Severus' sweaty hands made for poor gripping of the tree trunk. And as the sides of the three dug uncomfortably into his hands, he let out a faint whimper that Lily heard.

"Go! Take your dog and go!"

"Come Fluffy," Winston said, still staring at Lily. The dog immediately backed off and heeled at Winston's feet. He broke eye contact only a moment to bend over and fetch the lead from the ground.

"We will meet again, Lily," he said before turning on his heel and walking down the grassy hill.

Had Lily been the sort of person to spit, she would have, right on Winston's heels. Instead she turned around and helped Severus get out of the tree.

"Are you okay?" she said, investigating the scrapes and a small bit of wood embedded in his palm. When she brushed it lightly with her finger, Severus jumped, nearly pulling his hand away.

"Sorry, Sev," she said, "This might hurt a bit but I need to get it out before it gets worse."

He tried to stifle the small cry he wanted to let out when Lily pulled the small bit of wood from his palm. 

"I think I've got some plasters my mum put in here."

Severus helped her secure the peach coloured plaster on his palm. "I'm sorry, Sev. I know you don't like it when I stick up for you but--"

"Did you mean it?" Severus asked, looking again in her green eyes.

"Did I mean what?"

"That we're... best friends?"

Lily smiled. "Of course I meant it."

He paused before his question, wondering if asking whether someone was truly genuine was offensive.

"Just for this year then? Or until you find someone who--"

"No, no" Lily said, "You're my best friend Sev. Really."

"Really?"

"Always."

Severus smiled wider than he ever had before.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about skipping last week, but it was my birthday! If you've enjoyed the story thus far, please consider donating to my surgery fundraiser. http://helplola.co.uk


	15. The Flatheads

Although he'd only seen it a few times, he would always remember that fluffy hat. His eyes widened and he grinned when he spotted it, closing the front door of his house that evening.

"Auntie Clementine!" he shouted, leaping from the door into her outstretched arms. He lost himself for a moment in the strange herby smell of her clothes and the deep rippling laugh he felt echoing through her thick belly.

"Baby Sevy!" she shouted, "It's been entirely too long. And you've grown three feet since I last saw you!"

"I'm not a baby Auntie," Severus reminded her as he'd done since he turned 7.

"Of course not, of course not," she said, squeezing his hand, "You are well on your way to becoming a wonderful young man."

He didn't want to ask out loud, not while his mum was standing in the kitchen.

Auntie Clementine pointed at him and grinned, "It's presents you want, surely," she said, standing. "I'll just run and get my bag from the car."

"Car?" Severus asked. His Aunt guffawed.

"Your mum insisted we travel by car to Birmingham to get the train. And well... the train station in Cokeworth isn't much of one. Two trains to Birmingham a day! Preposterous."

Severus smiled at the familiar way that she threw her hands in the air. When she shut the front door, Severus turned to find his mum standing over him.

"Not a word," she said sternly. He was used to being told this before visits. And he'd always kept his promise, mostly out of fear of what might happen to him should he tell his aunt about his father. He wasn't sure if he'd live with her and the orphanage in Cokeworth was more depressing than Spinner's End.

"I know," Severus said.

"Not just about that. About Dumbledore. About Hogwarts. None of it."

He wanted desperately to ask why, but Auntie Clementine came through the front door brandishing a floral printed rough bag wrapped on her right shoulder and his mum returned to the kitchen.

"Well... let's see what I've got here in my bag for you, Baby Sevy."

"I'm not a baby Auntie," he said again. She shushed him while she sat down on the near deflated couch and popped open the bag.

"Now, now, now. What do we have here?"

The first choice wasn't very exciting to Severus. A brown paper bag. Auntie Clementine briefly looked behind her to see if Eileen was anywhere near before opening the bag and showing Severus what sat inside.

"A chocolate frog?" Severus asked.

"Shh!" Auntie Clementine said, "Watch out for it!"

Severus couldn't believe his eyes when the tiny frogs' limbs jerked and the frog toppled out of the bag and onto the floor. When he looked back up at his Auntie Clementine, she winked at him. 

Sometimes strange things like that happened while on visits with his Auntie. He always thought she was very good at pranks or had found a joke shop with many amazing things. But then his mother's voice echoed in his head -- the demand to not mention Dumbledore or Hogwarts. And that's when Severus knew... Auntie Clementine was a witch.

Severus grabbed it from the floor, turning it over and inspecting it closely. It seemed like a hollow sell of chocolate that could easily break if he squeezed too tight.

"Now before it melts," Auntie Clementine whispered, taking the frog and turning her back to Severus. She whispered something he couldn't hear, then turned around and said, "There you are. It's clean."

Severus gobbled the frog down happily, the taste rivalling the small few coins of chocolate he only got at Christmas.

"What do you say then?" 

"Thank you Auntie."

She smiled at him.

During their trip to the city, Severus struggled to contain his nausea. He couldn't remember when he last threw up, maybe as a child. So he had no idea beyond feeling ill how to tell if he would eventually throw up. He groaned and fell over to the side in the back seat, trying to find some relief from the spinning in his head.

"Severus, sit up straight," his mother said, staring hard and cold at his face, "There's no reason to behave that way."

He tried to shove himself up, but every time he moved, his head seemed to dip and swerve around unknown curves. The road that lay before the car was straight.

"You're not feeling well Baby Sevy?"

he didn't have the strength to argue. He simply shook his head, mouth gaping.

"Don't worry. We'll be there soon. Try to close your eyes and breathe through your nose."

He nodded, pushing himself up and leaning on the sear. His mother continued staring, a sneer on her lips.

"Don't even think about being sick in this car," his mother said.

His auntie tapped his mom on the shoulder to distract her. "We're nearly there Eileen," she said, "Help me make sure I don't miss the turn."

He focused on breathing slowly through his nostrils until the machine came to a graceful halt.

His mother opened the door next to him and motioned impatiently for him to get out.

"Eileen? My good friend Charles is expecting to find the keys to this horrid contraption in the reception. Could you take them there for me? My old legs are getting quite stiff." She gave a small envelope to his mother and she walked in the direction of the information stand inside.

"Now dear, how are we feeling? Better?"

Severus shook his head. The spinning continued despite the car being still.

"Well come out here then and let me find something for you that will help. Just prop yourself against the car right here dear."

He willed his limbs to climb out of the back while his head felt like a fishbowl nearly tipping over. Once he'd made it out and stood on his own two feet, his Auntie handed him a small piece of candy wrapped in white paper.

"Go on then," she said. He unwrapped it and popped the candy in his mouth. "Ginger," she said, "Fixes your stomach right up."

After flinching from the strong taste of the ginger, Severus felt worlds better, still with the lingering fuzz in his head.

His auntie pulled him in for a hug, picking him up a bit off the ground. "Oh, I'm sorry I can't bend properly baby Sevy, but you'll be all right."

"I'm not a baby Auntie," Severus said through the candy, smiling.

She grinned and pinched his cheeks. "You'll always be a baby to me."

The train to London was quiet and gave Severus plenty of things to look at outside of the window. Although he'd brought his worn copy of The Wizard of Earthsea, he'd been so busy looking at the green and beautiful fields, he hadn't needed to read.

"Would you like any sweets from the trolley, Sevy?" his Auntie asked, "I'm about to pop by it on my way to the loo."

He shook his head as a rule. "No thank you, Auntie."

"I'll see if they have any sweets," she said, winking at him.

His mother sat across the table from him, arms folded and looking outside the window. Severus got up from his seat and walked around next to her, sitting down. In his mind's eye, he saw her turning and smiling, sweeping him up in her arms the way she never did. Maybe she would kiss his forehead or maybe whisper that she loved him and his journey would be perfect. For once he would feel safe and warm.

His mother turned and glared at him, her lips curled like she had just breathed a strong whiff of rotten garbage.

"You know that when your Aunt comes back you're going to have to move, don't you?"

Severus sat down on the back of his legs, his smile faded. He nodded and robotically descended from the chair, walking around and hopping up at his own. He looked up at his mother, her face turned away and her arms crossed. He turned his face back toward the window and subdued the lump in his throat.

"They had choccie bars!" Auntie said when she returned, "And a nice up of tea for me."

His Auntie placed the tea carefully down just next to him and then pulled a chocolate bar out of her purse.

"Now just a few bits of that Baby Sevy. You still haven't had a proper dinner."

"I'm not a baby Auntie," Severus grinned opening the wrapper.

Before he could blink, his mother had reached over, yanked the bar out of his hand and popped him across the mouth. A strong sting spread across the lips that had collided against his teeth, and then the rush of blood to his cheeks from the shame. He held his mouth open and his limbs still like a wax figure.

"Your Aunt buys you a chocolate bar and you give her that attitude?" she shouted.

Severus stared blankly.

"What do you say?"

The words finally came, "S-sorry Auntie."

"And?" she goaded.

"Thank you," he said swallowing.

His mother threw the bar to the table towards him and folded her arms again, resuming her angry gaze outside of the window.

His Auntie stood next to the table like she'd walked in on someone on the toilet. Even Severus could see her confusion and he moved a it, grabbing the bar, opening the rest, takinga bite out of it and forcing a smile towards his Aunt.

"It's delicious Auntie. Thank you," he said.

She smiled and seem to snap a bit out of her discomfort.

"Let me by you then dear," she said, sitting down and pulling him into her right arm, squeezing him tight.

Severus a bit of the chocolate and smiled up at his Auntie. She brushed his hair out of his face.

"This hair's very oily," she said, "could do with a wash... but you probably hate baths like all boys, huh?"

She mussed his hair up and he giggled.

"You know," his mother said scowling, "You probably shouldn't cozy up to him like that. He's far too old for that and you never know what people might think."

His mother had told him about this when he was little. Sometimes adults were sick. Sometimes they liked children more than they should. Sometimes they make children do things that they shouldn't do.

Severus had a memory that seemed older than he did. Something that he couldn't shake. The look of two eyes in his mind and the feeling of shame colouring his cheeks. Then an overwhelming feeling he couldn't describe.

Once he told his mother about it, trying desperately to figure out what it meant. His mother said he'd made it up, that it never happened. He listed to too many radio programmes, had read too much. She took away his only book and told him to pay more attention at school. Severus never mentioned it again.

But sitting with his Auntie, he understood exactly what his mother meant as his Auntie covered his ears futilely. 

"What nonsense!" his aunt gasped, "No one but you would think such a thing, Eileen. Don't fill his head with such rubbish."

"It's not rubbish," Eileen snapped. Severus barely heard her ."And you know it."

"We agreed we wouldn't speak of this, Eileen."

"We also agreed that Severus would never meet his grandfather but you didn't seem to care about that, did you?"

"I'm sorry Eileen. But we can't discuss this now. Not in public. Not in front of Severus. You agreed."

"Fine," Severus saw his mother's mouth say and his Auntie released his ears.

She sighed and squeezed him again to her side.

"Severus, why don't you go ahead and finish that chocccie, okay?"

"But what about my dinner?"

"Oh you'll have it later but for now just you enjoy that, okay dear?

Severus smiled and took another bite.

After the long train journey, they arrived in a city so loud and noisy, Severus could barely make sense of it.

Before he knew it, his mum and Auntie had led him to an old dingy pub with a collection of the most odd looking people sitting inside.

"You must do some sort of food here surely," his Auntie asked. His Mum has said she was off to run her errand, but she'd never came back from the loo.

"'Fraid not, ma'am. We're just a pub and all that."

"Oh, drat," his Auntie said, "You see, I've got a little one here who's had a choccie and no dinner yet and he needs one or he's due for a stomach ache."

"Oh 'er," the man said, looking at Severus, "Is that the little Prince?"

Severus laughed. "I'm not a Prince!"

"Exnay on the ince pray," his Auntie whispered.

"Right, well... I think Simon's got one of those new sandwich press things. I could do you a cheese sandwich? With tomato?"

"That would be lovely, yes please," his Auntie said.

The bartender walked away, not looking too plussed, "Sorry dear, I thought they'd have proper food. It's a pub after all."

"It's okay Auntie. Do you know when mum will be back?" Severus wanted to know how much time he had.

"Oh, she'll be awhile still most likely... Oh, the thing she's buying... sometimes it's hard to find the right one."

"What's she buying Auntie?"

"I'll tell you when you're older, baby Sevy."

"Is it one of those magic stick things?"

His Auntie's mouth hung open. Then she said, "Why do you ask that Sevy?"

Severus hung his head low to the table and whispered, "Cause I've seen her use one before."

"What did she do with it?" his Auntie whispered back.

Without thinking, Severus whispered, "Making a bruise go away."

Auntie Clementine's head snapped up. "A bruise? What kind of bruise? Where?"

Severus faltered. He didn't want to talk about this. Not when he had such wonderful news. But he hadn't been prepared to tell a lie and found it difficult to think of one on the spot. So, against his wishes and judgement, the truth came out.

"On her face. From dad," he said.

His Auntie's lip curled and she clenched her fist.

"Why that filthy muggle... how dare he--" she stopped, looking at Severus as his stomach began to ache. What would really happen if he told? "How many times?"

His father had always warned him that if he told anybody about anything, especially when they didn't have food for him, the people would come and take him and put him in an orphanage. He'd be fed nothing but soggy porridge all day.

"And a slimy queer like you? All the kids will beat you worse than I ever have. You'd never be taken by any family. Who'd want a book reading queer over an athlete or anybody else? If I could go and trade you in now, I would."

Maybe his dad was lying about orphanages -- but that was a huge maybe to put everything on. And even if he went to a nice cushy orphanage, he would never see Lily again, or at least not as often as he did now.

"I don't know," Severus lied, now much more capable of forming words. "But it's okay, really Auntie. Because in a few more months... I'm going to Hogwarts."

"You're what? How do you know about that?"

"I... did some magic," he said, not wanting to tell her the whole story, "And Dumbledore, he came to the house and he told he I was going to Hogwarts!"

Her eyes filled with tears and she clutched her fist to her chest. She had a smile that looked almost like a grimace, but Severus knew she was beyond happy.

"Oh, Baby Sevy... I can't really talk to you about this now but... I am the proudest Auntie in all of England today. Truly I am."

She reached across the table and pulled him into a tight hug that he relished. Normally, he wasn't fond of hugging. Especially when it felt forced and fake, but he loved nothing better than his Auntie's fantastic bear hugs.

"Here's your sandwich," the barkeep muttered, passing on a plate with a pressed flat of bread over to Severus.

"Careful now dear," his Auntie said, after thanking the gentleman. 

The inside of the sandwich was like molten lava and Severus was unprepared for it. He let a bit fall from his mouth and it landed on his arm.

"Ow!" he screamed, flicking the bit off and cradling is arm in his hand.

"Oh no dear!" an older lady said from behind them, "Let me help you!"

Severus saw a pointed stick aimed at his arm, heard words he didn't recognise, a flash of light and then the pain was gone.

He looked across at his Auntie who bit her lip nervously and then back at the woman with dark flowing hair.

"Thank you," he said, smiling, "I love magic." The last bit he said mostly to himself.

The woman grinned then turned to his Auntie. "Clementine Prince," she said slowly, "Fancy meeting you here."

"Walburga Black," his Auntie nodded with a fake grin, "It's awfully dangerous to do magic in here you know. There could be muggles."

The mention of muggles intensified Walburga's gaze. "Well, those lot shouldn't be in here anyway, if they know what's good for them."

Auntie swallowed loudly.

"This must be a new Prince," Walburga said.

His Auntie just stared, like a huge secret was about to fall out if she said a word. Severus stayed silent.

"You look just like my little Regulus," she said, smiling at him, pinching his chin, "I'm sure you'll do your family proud and end up in Slytherin, yes?"

"What's Slytherin... ma'am?" Severus asked. His Auntie gaped at the both of them.

Walpurga gasped, "Well, you've not had a proper education on your proud lineage boy, which is deplorable," she looked at his Auntie, "Slytherin is where all of the proud Prince's go. And where I'm sure you'll go. It's the best house. My first boy is just about to go, he's nearly your age. He already has his letter."

Severus looked down anxiously and it seemed Walpurga could read his thoughts.

"When's your birthday dear?"

"January."

"Just a few months then and you should get your letter," she smiled, "Now tell me, dear. Think of whatever you want and dream of the most. Are you willing to do anything to get it?"

Severus would walk to Hogwarts himself wherever it was, if he had to. He'd crawl his way. And he'd carry Lily on his back. Then he thought of his father.

"Yes!" he said, "Yes, I would."

Walpurga smiled, almost eerily. "My boy then... you belong in Slytherin. And hopefully you can do well with the right training and education and... reinvigorate the Prince name."

Severus wasn't sure what she meant, but he nodded enthusiastically and smiled. No one had ever expected anything great of him. No one even gave him a chance. f it weren't for his Auntie Clementine and Lily in Cokeworth, he would have followed Mrs. Black home.

He turned back to his Auntie Clementine, who practically seethed and boiled the air around her. Severus ignored it.

"Auntie, what does she mean? Am I a prince?"

"Not that kind," his Auntie said, "And I'm not to say a word about it." Her face moulded from anger to sadness and in a moment she looked as though she might cry. Normally, when his mother cried, he knew to stay away and be quiet. But this time, he pushed.

"But Auntie... Mum said the Princes were bad people. What does she mean? Why won't you tell me?"

"Not a word!" his Auntie choked, "I've sworn Baby Sevy. On my and your mother's life. I swore never to say."

The moment felt raw and uncomfortable and Severus wanted it to end, especially since she wasn't going to say anything.

"I'm not a baby Auntie," he teased. She grinned and pinched his cheek.

After eating his sandwich, a cup of tea and a few biscuits, his mother reappeared out of the back of the shop, a small black paper bag in hand. She rushed past them and motioned for them to follow. They quickly abandoned the plate and cups and followed closely behind, leaving the man to groan.

Severus hoped they could stay a little longer in London, but his mother wasn't having a word of it and his Auntie willingly agreed. They rode back the train in silence.

He tried to contain his tears when his Auntie hugged him tight on her way out. Tobias Snape was nowhere to be seen, but he didn't want to risk it. His mum had disappeared into her room with the black bag and Severus and his Auntie had a moment alone together.

"I can't say much," she whispered into his ear while clinging him to her chest, "but know Baby Sevy that whatever happens, wherever you end up or what comes in the past, I am so proud of you."

When he released her, her eyes were glossy, "Really Auntie?"

"Of course," she said breathlessly, grabbing his tiny hand in hers, "And if it weren't for this... if it weren't for the way things were... I would take you with me."

"But can't you Auntie? Can't you take me with you?"

It was a simple question from a child with no understanding of what it really meant or how much it hurt. Auntie Clementine squeezed his hand and tried her best to keep from crying when Eileen came back through the door.

"Well," Auntie Clementine said, clearing her throat and standing up, "I think I must be going."

"Can't you stay for tea Auntie?" Severus asked.

Eileen looked towards their likely bare cupboards and turned red. "I'm sure your Auntie has places to be."

Auntie Clementine nodded, "It's true dear. Best I get going. But before I do, I have one last present for my nephew."

Out of her enormous bag, she pulled out a small wooden ornate box with a silver handle poking out of it.

"This is a music box," she said, presenting it to Severus, "And it plays a lovely tune when you crank the handle."

She stood as she passed the box to him, but Eileen stood between them and grabbed it, looking at it closely and turning it over in her hand.

"An ordinary music box," his Auntie added, "I got it from a man just down the street who makes them."

"Lily's sad makes kaleidoscopes," Severus piped in, ignoring his mother's investigation of his present. When she cranked the handle, his Aunt stiffenedd, releasing when his mother stopped short of three cranks.

She opened it's top and the tune began to play, which Severus immediately recognised.

"It's the song!" he shouted, "The one you used to sing for me!"

"Yes," his Auntie smiled, "I got him to put that in."

His mother shut the box abruptly and passed it back to Severus, walking towards the kitchen.

"Shall I be going now? Severus, it was lovely to see you darling. You must come to my house soon. And have some more milkshakes."

Severus smiled, "If mum says, yes. I will."

She gave him one last hug and said, "Goodbye Baby Sevy."

Making sure his mother wasn't nearby, he whispered, "I'm not a baby Auntie" and smiled.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoyed reading this? Please consider donating to my surgery fundraiser. http://helplola.co.uk


	16. The Flutterbudgets

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Content warning: Suicidal ideation.

Severus lay on his bed, pain in his lip throbbing. He could taste the blood in his mouth as he heard his stomach growl. All of the energy in his body had dissipated. Somewhere in his stash he had a fresh jar of jam that Mrs. Evans had only canned the last week and some oat-y crackers to spread it on, but he couldn't move.

Severus stared at his door frame, and felt as though his body shrunk to the size of an ant. Though he lay dead still on his bed with blood dripping from his mouth, in his mind the door frame towered over him.

It felt strange, like his mind spun in circles while his body lay still. He was too afraid to try and move a limb. He was actually worried his limbs wouldn't respond.

A thought plagued his mind, a vision of his mother free and happy. She packed up her things and left Tobias Snape. She was living in London, casting spells with her wand. She was without him, a burden. She was happy.

Under his pillow, wrapped in a shock with no match sat a collection of at least thirty pills. Those pills, at least one when his mother gave them to him, would knock him out for the night. In his sleep, he would have no dreams. He would feel great, his body would loosen and relax and he would fall into a peaceful blank sleep.

Maybe, he thought, if he took enough. If he took all of them. He would never wake up. The pain that burned his lip would be no more. As with all of the other pains he felt. The teasing and taunting would stop. Severus would be free. And so too would his mother. She wouldn't need his father so much, so she could leave, go and do all of the things she wanted to do.

He was so tired. Not just physically. Not just mentally. There was a deep and long sigh emitting from his soul. Still just shy of eleven, the world and its cruelty, when it didn't frustrate and enrage Severus, it broke his heart. What was left of it was weak. He wanted to go to sleep. And more than anything, Severus longed for the peace that only death could bring.

Then he imagined what consequences might then become. Would his mother really leave, or would she then be all alone, left with the decency of Tobias Snape.

And then he thought of Lily. What would she do? Even if he were long gone, how could he ever have peace if some part of him made Lily sad. The thought of her tears made his own swell.

The frustration built, allowing him to move his face into his pillow, his arms gathering it. He screamed into the pillow and relaxed as best as he could, pulling his limbs under the cover.

As he fished the sock out, thought of what Hogwarts must look like. A big square building maybe? Somewhere close by? His mind busied itself with possibilities as he grabbed a single pill, swallowed it and hid the sock under his mattress.

The next day, Lily gave him that kind, sympathetic look when she saw his lip that he could only accept from her.

Coming from anyone else, the exposed vulnerability would have made him grimace. "Your mum didn't heal it?" she asked, applying a cold cloth to his face after school she retrieved from the nurses office.

"She wasn't there this morning," he said, "I was a little late for school." Should he tell her about the pills? Probably not. As much as he wanted to confide in her, he also didn't want to scare her away. She'd already seen more than he wanted to share.

"Maybe one day I'll show up with a lip like yours of my own," Lily muttered.

"What?" Severus asked.

Lily shook her head. "I was picking flowers with Tuney and I sort of... made the petals come off."

Severus grinned, "That'a great! Don't you see? You're going to the school with me for sure."

Lily didn't smile. "She's only been running around the house when mum's around... calling me a freak..." Lily looked to the ground.

Severus grabbed Lily's hand and squeezed it. "She's only jealous Lily. She's not special like we are. She's a muggle. And she'll never do the things we can do. So she's jealous."

"I know I said we'd go around to mine but mum's gone shopping today cause it's grocery day and she'd be waiting for me."

"Don't worry, Lily. I'll go with you. We'll just put some snacks in a bag and we'll go to the park. She'll be so busy picking on me, she won't even notice you." He smiled.

Lily didn't grin as wide as he knew she could, but weakly nodded and followed Severus reluctantly down the road towards Spinner's End, veering off towards Lily's house.

As they approached the door, Severus grabbed Lily's hand again and squeezed. "Don't worry Lily. I'm here."

She nodded gratefully, then pushed open the door. They collected a few food items in tensed silence, waiting for the ball to drop. After a few minuted, they both relaxed a little.

"Maybe she's gone somewhere," Lily said smiling, "Maybe with Mum?"

"Should we take the picnic into the yard then?" Severus asked, gathering a blanket Lily had retrieved from the cupboard,

Two steps through to the garden and a voice cried out, "FREAK!"

Lily jumped, the jar of peaches falling out of her hand, cracking open on a bit of exposed tree root, sending a few shards of glass over her exposed feet.

Tuney, taking no notice, advanced on them. "Freak! Freak! Freak!" she shouted, "You and your freak friend are going to have nasty, big nosed slimy little children!" Tuney may have not been a witch but she cackled like one, Severus thought. She stepped out from behind a tree, making faces and rude gestures at them.

"Tuney, look what you've done to mum's jar!" Lily cried. 

"You're the one who dropped it on the ground, FREAK!" she folded her arms.

Severus stepped over to Lily bending to pick a large piece of glass from the top of Lily's two feet. He didn't notice her bleeding anywhere and then he spotted a small cut one of the pieces made across the top of her big toe.

"You could have hurt her!" Severus shouted, turning toward Tuney, face red hot. "She's got a cut on her toe and it could have been a lot worse."

Tuney shrugged, "So what? She deserves it for being around FREAK like you."

"Stop it, Tuney!" Lily cried. Severus turned to see green eyes swell. He could feel his fingers fold, balling his hands. He nearly shook where he stood.

"Did I hurt your girlfriend?" Tuney mocked. "That's not even half of what's going to happen when everyone finds out what a FREAK she--"

"SHUT UP!!" Severus howled.

A loud crack echoed through the back yard marking Lily shut her eyes.

From the tree above, a large branch above snapped, falling on top of Tuney. Though it wasn't very heavy and she likely escaped with a mere scratch, Tuney howled with fear, jumping past the two of them as if they were on fire adnd into the house, shutting the door behind her with a slam.

Lily opened her eyes, seeing Severus pick bits of glass from the ground, collecting them in the blanket and he'd brought for them to sit on.

"What happened?" she said.

"A branch broke from the tree, it looks like."

"You don't think... Severus, could you have..."

Severus looked back at the branch and shrugged. "Maybe I did. I was pretty angry."

Inside, Severus was quite sure he'd made the branch fall on Tuney, but he didn't want to scare Lily.

Severus helped Lily from the ground, spreading out a bit of the second blanket for her to walk on the ground.

Lily washed her feet, told Severus where her mum kept the plasters and they applied one to the cut on her toe that was no longer bleeding. Tuney, they decided, must have gone to her room.

They collected what was left of their picnic and made for the park, happily enjoying the spread and nearly forgetting about Tuney.

"Do you think we'll learn how to pull a rabbit out of a hat?" Lily grinned. She wasn't sure if she truly believed she was going to go to a magic school, but it was good fun to think about.

"Don't be silly," Severus said only half serious, "That's not real magic."

"How do they get the rabbit from the hat then?"

"Well, I don't know but we'll be doing much better things than that."

"Like what?" Lily asked innocently.

Briefly a vision passed through Severus' mind of what he would do if given all of the power in the world. It involved his father, so he brushed it aside. Them he remembered his Aunt's visit and his eyes widened.

"My Auntie Clementine took me to London and we went to this pub and I burned myself on this thing, a lady came and healed me where it burned."

"So we could heal people?" Lily pondered, "That would be amazing. I wonder if I could heal my gran..."

"What's wrong with your gran?"

"My parents say she's got something wrong with her mind. She forgets things all the time and sometimes sees stuff that's not there. Last time when I went for a visit, she didn't know who I was."

Severus reached across and squeezed Lily's hand. "I'm sorry Lily. Maybe you can help her."

Lily didn't seem affected by his hand. "My father said she's going to get worse until she..."

Severus saw Lily's eyes water and pulled her into a hug, "I can ask Dumbledore about it... When I see him. There might be a way we can fix her. You never know."

For awhile, Lily stiffened on his shoulder, until she felt all right to pull away. Severus smoothed out a tear that had fallen halfway down her cheek.

"Thank you, Sev," she said,

"Isn't this adorable?" a slinking familiar voice came from their side.

"Winston!" Lily said, standing at her feet and squaring off, "What did I say about leaving us alone."

"Yeah, about that," Winston said, sauntering forward with Fluffy on the end of a lead. Severus inched back, "My father said the deal with yours is going sour. Something about... Evans being too picky about where his materials come from. Like father like daughter, eh?"

"I don't really give a toss," Lily said, not flinching as he approached. "Leave us alone, or else."

"Or else what?" Winston laughed.

"You heard her," Severus added, his blood boiling when Winston reached out to try and touch Lily's face. She swatted his hand like a fly.

Winston guffawed. "And what do you plan to do about it greasy?" Fluffy growled. "Oh look, Fluffy remembers how much fun you both had last time. Up for another round, Fluffs?"

"DON'T" Lily said loudly.

Winston let loose the chain that held Fluffy back and although Severus wanted to stand his ground, his legs carried him around the picnic and trees in circles. The echo of Fluffy's bark rang in his ears like his head were a gong, rattling the bones in his ears and the core of his teeth. If he weren't running for his life, he would have shivered. Through it all Winston stood cackling in the background.

Passing that picnic spread for the third time, Severus snatched a small bit of cold chicken they had brought and dropped a peice behind him for the dog. Fluffy halted, slurping up the chicken. Severus catapulted the chicken down the field before Fluffy could approach again. Winston began calling out after.

"You better hope my dog doesn't get lost, you greasy git!" Winston approached him, shoving him into the tree.

"Leaving us alone," Severus said, now feeling a bit less powerless without a dog chasing him.

Winston ignored him and turned on Lily, "As for you, you--"

"LET HER GO!" Severus screamed.

Winston turned upside down in a split second, releasing Lily's arms. After Severus opened his eyes, the sight of Winston hanging from something he couldn't see by one leg made him crack into a smile.

"What have you done!" shrieked Winston, "Fluffy! Fluffy! Come get them!"

Severus and Lily had no time to celebrate as they heard the soft pads of an approaching dog.

"Sev! The dog! What should we do?"

"I could try and lift it too?" he whispered, "I know I did that."

"Oh, but Sev, won't that hurt the poor dog?"

"Lily! Come on! The dog's going to hurt us!"

"There's got to be another way. More food?"

The dog approached just as Lily emptied a jar of peaches onto the ground. Fluffy quickly gobbled down the peaches and began licking the syrup from the dirty tree trunk.

"What now?" Severus whispered. He didn't want to make any sudden movements towards food, so he padded the pockets of his oversized jacket. In his right pocket, he felt the square heaviness of his Aunt's music box.

Severus wasn't sure why, but he pulled it out and opened it, letting the song play. The dog seemed calmer, but was still licking the syrup from the ground. Lily began to back away towards him.

"Let's just leave some bread, just in case. Lily pulled out a few of the slices of bread from a container next to her foot.

"Now let's go back Sev," she whispered, "But slowly."

"But what about all the picnic stuff?" he whispered, backing away with her.

"FLUFFY!" Winston called, still dangling over the edge of the picnic.

"It's just a blanket and some food. Mum won't care," Lily said,

Winston continued howling while Fluffy ravaged the rest of the picnic. When they were safely out of sight, they turned and ran back to Lily's house.

Mrs. Evans greeted them with some sternness for leaving the house when she wasn't home. Severus had to go home a bit early then he wanted to. On the way back to Spinner's End, he trudged along in the dirt, kicking more soil onto his busted shoes.

His stomach tied into the familiar knot as he approached the door. He turned half the handle, then it turned itself. The door opened and his mum appeared with a bright smile on her face.

"Severus! I'm so glad you're home!" she said, ushering him through the door. "Come in! You can help me finish dinner."

The smell of roasted chicken wafted through the house, making his stomach growl. His mum's apron was pink and frilly and she smelled like fresh laundry. As she rushed im into the kitchen after he had put his bag down in his room, he marvelled at the cleanliness of the living room. She hadn't gone in his room thankfully or she might have spotted his stashed away hidden pantry.

"Now," she said, pulling an oversize apron over his head, "You can mash the potatoes for me."

She handed him the handle of a metal wire masher and stood him next to her on a chair over a bowl of chopped, steaming potatoes.

"Just be careful because those are hot. There's a good boy," she said, smiling.

Severus looked at the bowl of potatoes and the utensil in his hand in disbelief. Was he dreaming? Had Fluffy chased him into a tree and he'd hit his head?

Not wanting to anger her, he commenced working the wire masher. 

"Tonight's going to be very special. Do you know why?" his mother asked gleefully.

"No?" he said in as neutral a tone as possible.

"It's my birthday!" she said proudly, dropping vegetables into a pot and putting it over the stove. They didn't look like they had come from a can.

"Happy Birthday Mum," he said with a smile.

"Thank you darling," she said, stirring the pot.

Then Severus remembered something he'd had in his room and told his mother he'd return to the potatoes when he fetched it. He pulled out a jar of jam from his hidden pantry he'd yet to open and thought for a moment. What if he needed it? His pantry was getting a bit low, and he hated asking Mrs. Evans for more food, even though she was happy to give it.

Severus presented the jar to his mother, "Happy Birthday Mum!" he said again.

Her mouth hung open, "Severus! Where did you get such a thing?"

"Mrs. Evans, Lily's mum, she makes them. She gave me one and I thought you should have it." Severus smiled.

She gripped the jar close to her, her eyes looking soggy. "Mrs. Evans sounds like a dream" she said sadly into the distance, "The perfect mum."

Severus didn't know how to respond at first. "You're my mum, mum. She's just... a nice lady."

His mother's mouth straightened and she looked as if she were going to shout, but they both froze when they heard the crunch of the gravel outside.

"Your father's home," she said, putting the jar on the counter, "Finish the potatoes quickly."

Severus breathed a short sigh of relief when his father walked, instead of treaded, through the front door, seemingly with all his wits about him.

"Hello darling!" his mother said, rushing to take his coat. He shrugged it off and handed it to her like a rich man reluctantly passing a penny to a beggar.

"What's this then?" he said, breathing deep, "You've finally managed to cook dinner on time for once."

"Yes dear," his mother said, pleasantly Severus gripped the potato masher harder, envisioning it colliding with his father's temple.

He caught sight of Severus in the kitchen, apron all and snickered. "You've finally got the queer where he belongs then!" he pointed and jowled at Severus.

Severus released the masher and yanked the apron off. "It's mum's birthday," he spat.

"Oh, is it then Eileen? You know what I'm like with dates love. Happy Birthday," Tobias Snape smothered her in a hug and muttered something audible and disgusting int her ear about her present. She laughed and Severus grimaced.

"That's good for potatoes dear," his mother said. "Why don't you set the table and then join your father? I'll bring all the food out."

Instead of casting a risky look at his father, Severus chose to glower at every place setting and fork. When he reached his father's side, he could smell the sourness of lager on his breath.

"What'd you get for your mum then?" he whispered harshly, "Seeing as how you're so bloody punctual and that."

"A jar of jam," he said through clenched teeth, "Lily's mum made it."

Tobias Snape sniffed. "You know, maybe that Evans girl could actually do you a favour. Turn you to the right side of things, yeah?" his father licked his lips grotesquely.

"It's not like that. Lily and I are friends," Severus sneered, pushing a knife into place and wishing he could brandish it instead.

Tobias Snape snorted. "Fat lot of good you turned out to be as a son. Could have taken you to the factory. You could have learned the ropes and all. Instead, what are you? No,just a queer with a book, never set foot in a pub to order a lager and see some mates, will you?" Tobias Snape muttered.

"I went to a pub the other day," Severus challenged, "With Auntie and mum."

He snorted again, this time bringing something up to cough on. His mother approached the table with the roasted chicken in a tin, placing it on a trivet. It looked wonderful, the best chicken he thought she'd ever made. Pretty much the only one she'd ever made.

She rose a big knife to cut the side with one hand, a long metal fork in the other. Tobias Snape reached over, snapping his mother across the face. She dropped the knife and fork.

"I'll do that," he growled, "I'm the man of the house, aren't I?" he growled, snatching the knife and fork from the table like a greedy, spoiled child in a sweet shop.

"It's her birthday," Severus said loudly.

"Severus," his mother warned, "Just leave it."

"But he-"

"Leave it," his mother warned, once bright eyes now watering.

Tobias Snape sneered at him, cutting a few pieces from the chicken, giving himself the largest bit of the breast and his mother half as much, putting a few fat laden bits on Severus' plate. Severus grimaced, but said nothing.

"You need the fat and all," his father said, dropping the knife and fork on the table with a blank, "You're too damn skinny."

They ate in silence, Severus starting with his vegetables and mash and finishing with his small cut of meat.

"It's nice mum," he near whispered. His mother smiled painfully.

Severus grabbed is knife and fork, staring at the brutish way his father cut his meat and trying to mimic it. But his hands wouldn't replicate the movements. His knife wouldn't cut into the bit of meat, just tilt it back and forth while his fork stood wobbly, both of them in an awkward tug of war.

"Let me help Severus," his mum said, motioning for his plate.

"No!" his father shouted as he was in mid-pass, "He's not a baby anymore Eileen."

"Severus just sometimes has trouble with-" his mother began softly.

"What did I just say?" his father glowered, "Let the boy do it himself. Maybe if you didn't smother him so much he wouldn't be so crooked."

His mother returned his plate and he went back to grab the cutlery with sweaty palms. His mother had held the plate strong, not shaking like she usually did when threatened.

"Would you like a drink? Dear?" she asked, tightening her lips.

His father shrugged. "If you've managed to remember them, I wouldn't turn down a lager."

His mother stood abruptly, turning the corner into their tiny kitchen and coming back almost immediately with a tall pint glass of amber liquid.

Severu sbegan to eat the remainder of his meal quickly, knowing what might happen when his father finished his.

Tobias Snape took a large swill of the liquid, downing nearly half of it in one sip. He put it back on the table, foam covering his mouth, letting out an enormous alcoholic burp that Severus could smell over the chicken.

"Lovely," he said, returning to his plate.

His mother returned to her seat and they sat still in silence, nothing but his father's cutlery clinking to fill the room.

Severus stared hard at his knife and form crossing, considering giving up what little bit of meat he had among the fat and gristle. Then the table shook violently for a moment, his mother yelped when he looked up, his father lay face first in his plate.

"Oh Merlin!" his mother said, getting up from the table and pulling Tobias Snape upright in his chair. Bits of his face decorated in mash, his eyes were half open, whites exposed where his eyes had lolled back in his head.

His mother put her ear up to his nose for a moment, then sighed with relief.

"He's not dead," she said.

Severus was disappointed. "What happened?"

His mother stood, arms crossed, chewing on her fingers. Her eyes watching more than they did when he'd hit her.

"Mum, what happened?" he asked again.

"Severus!" she said impatiently, holding a hand out to stop him, "Just give me a minute to think."

The silence hung in the air while Severus waited, afraid to resume eating his meal.

"We'll move him," his mother said finally, "Back to his room."

She motioned for Severus to join her and after a few grunts and shoves, his father lay belly up in wrinkled clothes. His mother took off his shoes and they backed out of the room slowly as if he would wake at any moment and lunge towards them.

After she clicked the door shut, they both breathed a sigh of relief. Without hesitance, his mother placed his shoes by the door, brushed off her hands and grinned. "Shall we carry on? We can have some more meat I think?"

"Mum," Severus said, not wanting to let the subject go, "What was that?"

"More mash, dear?"

"Mum?"

"That's enough!" she shouted. His mother rarely raised her voice, always preferring to find some other way to get Severus to do what he should. When she did raise it, it was frightening.

Severus let the moment hang while he squirmed his fork in the mash. "Your father... has taken something to put himself asleep... He's been having a hard time sleeping lately... It was just stronger than he expected."

"Was it magic?" Severus asked.

His mother dropped her fork loudly and looked at him, narrowing her eyes.

"No, it wasn't," she said with an edge to her voice.

"I just want you to know about it mum. Why won't you tell me?"

"Because you don't need know!" she shouted, "And you'll find out as much as you need to soon enough anyway now... pickup your knife and fork and cut your food."

He picked the knife up and again began unsuccessfully hacking away at the meat. When the fork made a sharp groaning noise as he dragged it across the plate, his mother stood and seized his hands into her own in a tight grip. She forced them into cutting motions, making his joints ebb with pain. He tried to push against her grip but it was too strong.

"See?" she said angrily with an edge coating her voice, "It's this simple. All you have to do is cut like this."

Severus heart began to pound and his throat tightened. He saw the knife go past the meat and sink into his own hand.

"Mum, stop!" he said through the breath of straining against her, "Please!"

"You need to learn to grow up and do things for yourself!" she shouted in his ear, "What are you going to do when you're older huh? What then?"

"I don't know," Severus said straining, tears falling from his face, "Pleased mum. Stop."

She released him and he let out a breath like he'd been under water. He looked over ather, incredulous and bewildered as she examined her own plate.

"This was supposed to be my birthday dinner, you know," she said.

"I'm sorry, Mum," Severus said, automatically, "I'll try to learn better how to do it."

His mother shrugged hopelessly, picking at her food with her fork, a few tears falling into her plate.

"Mum..." Severus hesitated, "If he's asleep, we could go."

His mother scoffed. "Go? Go where, Severus?"

"Away. Somewhere else. Anywhere else but here," he said.

She scoffed again. "Do you think there are loads of laundries and factories willing to hire a single mother?"

Severus had no idea how to respond. In his mind, it must be possible to get a job somewhere, but he really didn't know what else to say.

"I don't know," he mumbled.

"And where are we going to live?" she snapped.

"I don't know," he mumbled again, then he added, "I could get a job."

"Do you think I want you to live like that?" she said, "Do you think that I want you to throw away your future?"

Severus shrugged. His mother resumed biting her nails, "Don't be so stupid."

Severus stood and went to his room with no further comment from his mother. He shut the door, and pulled some of the bread from the side of the bed. He sat down on his jacket immediately standing up when he felt something through.

He pulled the music box out of his pocket and examined it closely. He winded the key back as far as it would go. The tiny tune calmed his nerves and he held it closer to his face so he wouldn't miss a note. It played over twice before ending mid-song, getting slower and slower.

After it finished, something inside the box popped open. The bottom of it lifted to reveal a note pinned to one side and an emptiness at the bottom that looked strange to Severus. He pulled the note from it's pin and opened it:

My dearest baby Sevy,

There is so much I can not speak to you about without grave risk. I can tell you that I have made a veryh serious promise to your mother. This promise is so serious, Baby Sevy, that should I break it, I would risk your mother and my life.

Still, within every promise there is always a loophole. This box I have given to you is special, a relic of our family. You will find if you wind it and let it play completely, you can store whatever you'd like. I found this very useful when I was your age and now I give you this gift.

I want you to know, my most cherished nephew, that the news you told me in the pub warms my heart. I am so proud of you and I have a feeling you will accomplish wondrous things. You are a wonderful boy, Baby Sevy. And I am so pleased to have you in my life.

When you find yourself departing onto new worlds for the next part of your journey, please do remember that no place can be a paradise. The good and the bad exist within all of us and in diferent ways. I hope you learn to cherish all of the different people the world has to offer and steer clear of those who would claim themselves better than others.

Enjoy my present, Baby Sevvy, and use it wisely. And no matter how low you may feel or how thick the clouds above you linger, know that I will always love and be proud of you.

Love,  
Auntie Clementine

Severus smiled, muttering, "I'm not a baby, Auntie," to himself and folding up the note. He stared at the space for a moment, dark as the night. For a moment, he told himself that he must have been hallucinating. There's just no way.

He shut his eyes, gripped the letter in his fists and plunged his head in the direction of the space. Instead of colliding with wood, he found his forearm inside the box completely, cool and dry. He pushed the box further along his arm up until his arm met his body. He wished he could jump in and live in this cool, dry place.

He whipped is hand around, knuckle clinking into something that felt wooden. "Ow!" he said, feeling around. It seemed like a small cold room with a series of shelves in the middle, two stacks. Severus pulled his arm out and grabbed one of the old jars of jam. He hesitated again before he plunged his hand back through, sure enough passing through the black space and into the cold room. He plopped the jar on a nearby shelf and went to relocate the rest of the pantry.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoying this story? Please consider donating to my surgery fundraiser at helplola.co.uk


	17. The Fuddles

Severus sat in his room, revelling in the calmness away from the hustle and bustle outside. School holidays had just began and although it made most kids happy, now he had even less of an excuse to stop by Lily's house, with no school to return from. Mrs. Evans had said he was always welcome, but he still felt nervous about committing some terrible mistake and fending them off for good.

His father was outside, given a few days off from the factory now for promising to work on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. His mother wasn't happy, despite the double pay, but Severus was keen to enjoy the next two days with as little of his father possible. The holiday, Severus hoped, would distract him from the curious lack of his Hogwarts letter. And David.

His father's bother, an equally cruel and grotesque man, had a child only a few years older than him called David. He was the child Tobias Snape always wanted. Good withs ports, obnoxious, loud and always bumbling on about "mates". His father enjoyed playing football or rugby in the yard with him and, when his mother was absent, trying to suss out David's success with "birds".

In plain sight, and often with the encouragement of Tobias Snape, David set his clunk bird brained eyes on Severus and made half witted remarks about his nose, his clothes or hair. But Severus preferred that to holidays in times past when they'd both force Severus to play football.

"This kid!" his father gleefully shouted when he came back through the door, "Eileen, pass me two lagers for us both."

His mother said nothing as she often did. Severus sneered behind the book in his room as he heard cans crack and inevitable slurping.

"There you are," his father bellowed, "Now after a couple of these we can head back out for another round."

David laughed with a timbre that betrayed his age and spoke with a confidence Severus envied. "Or maybe we could have a go at a rifle if you've got one. Take out some of those huge birds I saw."

"Birds? Outside?"

He could hear them opening the door.

"Yeah," David said, "Huge old buggers circling around the house. Owls I think they are."

"Sorry sonny, I haven't got one of them rifles but we could have a throw of some stones at them."

"Maybe we should just leave them be. Dinner's almost--" his mother offered.

"When I want your opinion, I'l ask you for it!" his father shouted.

Severus wondered what Daniel's face would look like. That was as ugly as his father got around him and although Severus wanted his mother to be safe, the fact that David always told him he was just too sensitive when he showed a bruise irritated him.

"I think I've got one of the old..." his father's voice trailed on. Tobias Snape came from the room he shared with Eileen, brandishing a large sling he'd kept from when he was a little boy. With it, he'd found two smooth flat stones, ideal for hitting cans or anything else, bright and easy to spot in the grass.

"There we are David," he said, showing it to the boy finishing his can of lager. David belched and Tobias Snape patted him on the shoulder. "Lets get out there and scare them off."

They ambled outside, Tobias Snape way more solid than slow, slightly inebriated David. Tobias Snape stretched his eyes up into the blueish sky, greyed from the pollution and the clouds. He spotted the shadow of a large bird circling over the house. It had a wide torso and a flat head. As he squinted, he could make out something square in the bird's beak.

He waited as the bird dropped closer and closer, allowing it to build a false sense of security. As it swooped down, closer to the house and aiming for the front door, Tobias Snape swung the sling around just as he'd done a million times before. Although owls were apparently much faster then pigeons, the smooth flat rock collided with the side of the bird's torso.

The bird screeched dropping the letter to the ground. The stone had thrown it off course, but it quickly regained it's height, beating its wings furiously, swerving past the house and heading to the east among the clouds.

"Great hit uncle!" David bellowed, but Tobias Snape did not laugh. Something felt off, a funny sort of thing to have an owl deliver a letter. It was the sort of funny business that his wife and her whole family of circus freaks got up to.

David approached the letter, now laying on the grass. Tobias Snape nearly screamed but instead drew back his eruption for another time.

"Say David. Would you be a mate actually and run an errand?"

David's hand retracted from it's path. He smiled at the opportunity.

"Sure, Uncle. Anything."

"Would you mind going down to the shops, just a fifteen minute walk away and getting us another pack of lager? If you go to the one with the blue sign, that'll be Barry's and you just tell him you're my nephew. He'll make you a deal." Tobias Snape passed the boy the £50 note he'd be saving to purchase the Christmas roast with, "And keep the rest boy."

David's eyes lit up, "Oh thank you Uncle! I'll be right back."

Once the boy was out of sight down the street, Tobias Snape crept toward the letter on the grass. He picked it up and turned it to the front. Across the top, written in a fancy inked script, the words "Severus Snape" reflected back, reddening his face. He turned the letter back over and as soon as he read, "Hogwarts" over a seal, Tobias Snape balled the ltter up in his fist and marched toward the house.

Severus put down his book when he heard his father shout his mother's name. This was different. His father could shout just to shout, like the volume of his voice was relative to his own power.

Then his father could scream. And this wasn't for show. It was just fury with only one result. His back straightened, his face blanked as he listened to his father's screaming. A numbness overwhelmed him, his mind immersing in a state that felt like Severus was underwater, detached and floating safe over his body. He waited to feel.

"Don't pretend like you don't know what this is!" his father screamed, "Some owl is out delivering a letter, comes around with a fancy wax seal and this coat of arms! I know what this is!"

"Dear, it could be just a--"

"No it bloody isn't! Because that rat's name's written on it! Now you look me in the eye right now--" Eileen cried out, "And you tell me. What. is. Hogwarts?"

The word slapped him across the face and his mind rushed toward his body. His heart pumped in his ears and he leapt to his feet, throwing open the door.

His father stood, his mother's hair in one hand and the crumpled letter in the other, face as red as a cherry. He glared at Severus like a bull ready to charge.

"That's mine!" Severus screamed, "It's my letter!"

"Severus, go back to--" Eileen said, before being interrupted by his father through a tug of her hair.

"You know about this don't you!" he screamed in her face, "You liar! How dare you lie to me? I am the man of this house." He threw his mother's head back, pushing her onto the couch.

"Stop it!" Severus screamed, "Leave her alone and give me my letter!"

His father charged toward him, but Severus stood his ground. His father lifted him from the ground slightly by his collar, pushing and holding him to the wall. Severus made work of trying to remove his father's grip to no avail.

"You're going to tell me, Snivellus, what this disgusting letter is and where it came from, do you understand? Now!"

For the first time in his life, Severus turned his face up toward his father's and smiled proudly.

"It's from Hogwarts. A wizard school. I've been invited by the Head Master himself because he thinks I could be a great wizard. And I could be a great wizard. and I will be great. I will become the strongest wizard that's ever lived and I'm going to come back here and I'm going to make you pay for what you've done."

His father swiped him hard across the face, throwing him to the ground. Severus collapsed, feeling a coppery taste flooding through his cheek. He looked back up at his father as proud as he could muster but his stomach fell when he saw his father tearing his letter to pieces.

"You're. never. leaving. Cokeworth. you. pathetic. little. worm!" he said in between rips of the letter. Then he threw the pieces at Severus, finishing with several kicks to Severus' shins. It happened so quick, he didn't register the pain.

"Tobias! Stop!" his mother called out and while his gaze was distracted, Severus pulled himself to his feet and gathered the blood in his mouth and spat it on his father's chest, missing his face.

"I hate you," he whispered, turning on his heel and running for the door. As his father went to lunge at him, Severus screamed, ducking out of the way and rushing through the door, slamming it behind him on his father's fingers. He could hear the howl and curses fade as he ran as fast as he could from Spinner's End.

The cold air bit his cheeks and had he not been running full sprint, Severus would have been shivering. He didn't have far to go.

The sun was setting as he got to Lily's doorstep and he bent over trying to catch his breath before knocking. But just a few seconds after pausing, Lily opened the front door.

"Sev?" she asked, "I thought I heard you. Are you all right?"

She ushered him quickly through the door, into the warmth of the house. When Severus inhaled, the delicious smell of roast, cinnamon and something sweet greeted him. The cold lingered in his bones and he shivered.

Mrs. Evans found them soon enough, her face balanced between anger and sadness when she saw the blood coming out of his mouth. She cleaned up the split on his lip, wrapped him in a fluffy robe and made a space for him at the table.

As he pushed himself into the chair, his stomach growling, the spread of roast chicken, mash, gravy and vegetables distracted him from everything. Then Lily's father cleared his throat. He looked towards the head of the table, just on his left to a man with an arched, playful eyebrow, mischievous grin, and a huge Christmas jumper depicting the body of a snowman on a blue sky backdrop in a blizzard.

"Well if it isn't Lily's best mate," he said smiling down at him, "Nice to have you along! I hope you don't mind us not having turkey just yet. Joanne's waiting for the actual Christmas day for that but I say we'll have turkey all 'round you know. Who cares, right?"

"William," Mrs. Evans warned playfully, carrying a dish to add to the table, "I've told you. Turkey is for the actual day."

"All righ'" Mr. Evans said, "As long as we get to do the carling? And maybe we can find a butcher tha's got--" he mumbled.

"No, no, no," Mrs. Evans urged politely but firmly. "We're not going around the neighbourhood with one of those. People don't do that around here, William. You know that."

Mrs. Evans grinned and smiled. "Might give them something to talk about though, eh?" Mr. Evans said. Mrs. Evans put her hands on her hips and Lily, now sitting next to him, giggled.

"What's he talking about?" Severus whispered to her.

"Oh," Lily said, brimming with excitement, "Sometimes when we go back to Nan's house for Christmas in Wales, they have their horse skeleton head they go around with and they practice telling each other poems. It's funny and Dad's really good at it."

"That's righ'" Mr. Evans added, "And it's called?"

Lily began nervously, "Mari... Lew..."

"Mari Lwyd," Mr. Evans finished, "And after that, what comes after Christmas?"

Lily grinned, "Hogmany!"

"That's righ'" Mr. Evans said proudly.

"That's when we go to grandpa's house in Scotland," Lily said.

"They don't live together?" Severus said, then putting his hand over his mouth.

"Nope," Lily said, smiling and not bothered, "It's better this way now because they're happier, right Dad?"

Mr. Evans nodded, also calm after Severus' question. "Your Nan missed Wales then but that just means we get to have two parties anyhow, yeah? Just like your Dad when he was wee."

Lily nodded.

"But you like England too? " Severus again tested his own curiosity.

Mr. Evans grinned, looking toward Mrs. Evans, "Well now. I don't know about tha' but... Cokeworth is where my lovely girl's family is and it happens to be the only place in the UK that's close to all of the factories that make the parts for me toys so... in that way, it's perfect."

Mrs. Evans smiled and began helping Lily with the heavy dish of gravy.

It was a bizarre meal for Severus. No shouting. No tensed silence. No more clenching his jaw at the sound of a cracked can. No half edible food he'd eat in large bites to keep away the hunger. It was all amazing. The chicken wasn't dry and growing cold. The mash wasn't flavourless and sometimes gritty. And he ate plenty of the carrots, not made of mush and salt.

Mr. Evans made a show about them opening some Christmas crackers but Mrs. Evans politely protested.

"It has to happen on the day, dear," she chided.

And that's when Severus, comforted by his surroundings and unhindered by his usual level of vigilance said, "I can stay for Christmas if you'd like... They all looked at him. He hesitated and said finally, "I... don't really want to go home."

Mr. Evans looked across the table at his wife. She was the one that worried about the police. And truthfully he did as well, but mostly since that low life of a detective had come back to Cokeworth. William usually had enough money to smooth over problems, but this one was infuriatingly out of his control.

Mrs. Evans' nervous grin became a smile, "I'll write a letter for your family Severus. I'll let them know you're safe and sound and I'll let them know you're going to be here for the next few days so they don't worry. Okay?"

Severus bit his lip, worried his father may gather the drunken courage to confront him or Lily's family. It wasn't the rage and the pain that embarrassed Severus. He was used to it. It was letting this perfect meal and perfect time be corrupted by his family.

"We're no' going to let anyone hurt you here, you know," Mr. Evans said, putting a friendly hand on Severus' shoulder. "Joanne and I have dealt with... people who aren't so kind and we can handle anything that comes our way. Don' worry about that. We'll be here for you."

Lily's green eyes looked up at him hopefully. She reached under the table and squeezed his hand. "Always," she said.

Severus nodded back. His eyes were watering, but he wasn't sad. It was strange. He breathed through his mouth, hoping the air wold clear his vision. Why was he crying? When he wasn't sad?

Mr. Evans looked back at him, "You all righ'?" he said, hand again on his shoulder.

"Yeah," Severus said, clearing his throat, "I don't know why..." he gestured to his eyes, "I'm not sad or anything.... I just..."

"It's okay," Lily whispered, squeezing his hand.

Severus felt bubbly, like what he thought it might feel like to get the highest grade on an exam, so much so that when Tuney finally emerged from her room, he didn't notice or care about her complaints.

The next morning, after sleeping in a guest room bed that felt more comfortable than any bed he'd ever slept on, he sat with Lily in an oversized t-shirt and some old pyjama trousers he kept up with mostly his grip at the breakfast table. Mrs. Evans had apologised profusely for the ill fitting pyjamas the previous night and swore she'd send Mr. Evans first thing to a friend's house down the street who had tons of clothes that would fit him.

Severus tried to politely tell her she didn't have to, since he knew that was expected. Oversized they may have been, but they were the softest and nicest smelling clothes Severus had ever worn.

But Mrs. Evans put her foot down, sending her husband out to fetch some clothing, a few things from the shop and to deliver the note to Severus' parents.

He couldn't bear the thought of Mr. Evans seeing his father in his usual pre-Christmas Eve drunken stupor, but there was no way Mr. or Mrs. Evans would consider hiding him completely. Mrs. Evans, as she sat a plate of eggs, bacon and sausage in front of him, promised they would never let any harm fall on him.

Tuney had taken her breakfast to her room, claiming to only want a bit of light toast. Severus and Lily whispered next to each other, Severus discussing the owl visits to his house.

"You think it was your letter?" Lily said, green eyes wide.

"Sure! What else could it be? Owls don't usually deliver post to muggles."

"But if they got to your house... doesn't that mean they passed mine?" Lily's eyes watered.

Severus grabbed her hand and squeezed the way he'd learned from her. "I don't know, but it probably doesn't mean anything. You'll get a letter Lily."

"How can you be so sure, Sev?"

"Because! Look what you can do!" Severus pointed to a kaleidoscope sitting on the kitchen counter.

"What if that's just a coincidence, though? Or it was something else?"

Severus wanted to laugh, but Lily wasn't smiling, so he looked her straight in the eye, "What else could it be?" he said. 

A sudden knock at the door startled them both, as well as Mrs. Evans who'd been pacing in the kitchen, half cleaning and mostly worried about a visit from the police.

Severus shivered, thinking of his father's face on the opposite end of the door. He comforted himself in the knowledge that, if it were his father, it would be a bang rather than a knock. Still, his hair stood on end. 

Lily held Severus' clammy hand in hers, trying to think of something other than the screams she heard while hiding in Severus' room. She lay there knowing she couldn't help, but dying to despite her body freezing so rigidly. She thought she might be stuck that way forever.

Another knock came, jolting them all out of inaction. Mrs. Evans approached the door and said, "Who is it?"

An old, but pleasant voice came from behind the door. 

"Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore, madame," Lily giggled.

"Brian?" Mrs. Evans said, half to herself. Severus' face brightened and he went to the door, ensuring Mrs. Evans that all was safe, even safe in fact, with Dumbledore there.

"Terribly sorry to intrude upon you so close to the holidays, but I've come to discuss an invitation I have for your daughter to my school and I've run a bit behind schedule."

Severus squirmed and poked Lily in the side excitedly.

"Oh, and I believe I have a letter to deliver to one Severus Snape?" Dumbledore said, producing it from under a long, burgundy robe.

"Yes! Thank you!" Severus rushed towards Dumbledore gleefully, accepting the letter and looking up into Dumbledore's twinkling blue eyes as he grinned.

"Happy Christmas, Severus!" he said, pulling him in for a hug. Severus felt a bit awkward but something about it felt warm and calm. 

"Now, shall I have a moment of your time? And maybe, if it isn't too much trouble, a cup of tea?"

Mrs. Evans stood watching the exchange with a gaping mouth. "Oh! I'm sorry. I've forgotten my manners." She extended a hand. "I'm Joanne Evans and my husband should be returning soon. This is Lily, my daughter and her sister's just in her room but I can fetch her when you're all settled."

"Hello Lily Evans," Dumbledore said, grinning and extending a hand down to her.

Lily smiled wide and took it, shaking it so vigorously that Dumbledore's pointed hat nearly fell off as he chuckled. "Hello Mister Dumbledore! You have a very funny name."

"Lily!" Mrs. Evans lightly chided, "Sorry. She's as honest as her father, sometimes."

Dumbledore beamed down at her, loving her wide smile, "Honesty is certainly not a bad trait." Severus stood by Lily, smiling so hard his face ached.

"Would you care to sit?" Mrs. Evans asked.

They sat Dumbledore at the table in the kitchen, Lily and Severus crowding around. After a few minutes, another knock came and this time from a thin, red haired man with thick eyebrows, Dumbledore's assistant. Mrs. Evans looked flustered by the sudden increase in guests, but maintained her polite composure, especially when Dumbledore assured her it was just them two.

"This is a new trainee special messenger. He's to go and deliver the news to students in houses where... they'd lease expect it."

"Nigel Weasley," the red haired man extended a sweaty palm to all of them shaking theirs frantically while looking in all directions around the house. Many times he almost seemed to start a question, the abruptly cut himself off.

They all awaited the arrival of Mr. Evans by munching through biscuits. Dumbledore asked questions about Lily's aptitude in school that Mrs. Evans answered with pride. Nigel asked a few odd questions about the gadgets around the house and Severus peered down at the letter hid in his pocket. His name was written across the top, but this time with Lily's address below and "Care of the Evans' family" just before. When he showed Lily the letter, her eyes widened.

Mrs. Evans rushed through to the front door at the sound of the keys going in the lock. "You wouldn't believe it, darling," he said jovial, "She gave me practically all the clothes in her house. She said--"

"Honey, we have company," Mrs. Evans interrupted. 

Mr. Evans took off his coat and looked suspiciously at the guests sitting at the table and Severus, despite never seeing anyone under that roof even remotely angry, began to fear what would happen.

Dumbledore stood, gesturing Nigel to do so as well and both offered their names. Mr. Evans shook his outstretched hand with wide eyes.

"You've got quite a funny name," Mr. Evans said. Mrs. Evans gave him a cross look and Lily giggled.

"Yes," Dumbledore agreed smiling, "Brian is a bit out there."

Just as they sat, Mrs. Evans said, "Should we get Petunia?"

"It's up to you madame," Dumbledore said.

Mrs. Evans called for Tuney who came out of her room, green sludge tacked over her face.

"Great Scott! What's happened to her!" Nigel pointed out.

Tuney, finally looking up and spotting Nigel, screamed at the top of her lungs and ran back to her room.

Mr. Evans and Dumbledore both laughed nervously, Dumbledore hushing his excited colleague. After a few minutes of cajoling with Lily and Severus practically squirming in their seats, Tuney finally emerged with a washed, reddened face, giving Severus a death glare.

"Now, Mr. and Mrs. Evans. I'm pleased to tell you that your daughter Lily has been accepted into Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you're enjoying my story, I'd appreciate a donation to my surgery fundraiser at helplola.co.uk.


	18. The Hammerheads

Mr. and Mrs. Evans looked back with blank faces for a moment as anxiety bubbled in Severus' chest.

"School for what?" Mrs. Evans said.

"Witchcraft and Wizardry!" Nigel said proudly, "Your lovely daughter Lily here is very special and gifted."

"Indeed," Dumbledore added, "Lily is showing promise of becoming a powerful witch. Have you noticed anything odd at all?"

"Yeah," Tuney blurted, "She's a freak!"

"Petunia!" her mother chastised. Mrs. Evans then thought to herself. "Actually, sometimes I do notice... when I make cookies, sometimes there's one less than I thought I made," she eyes Lily playfully. Lily looked down. 

"Wait a mina..." Mr. Evans said, "My kaleidoscopes... sometimes they'll fall off something and brake... I'll put them away to fix them and then... Have you been fixing me kaleidoscopes, you little pixie!" Mr. Evans said with a smile sweeping her into his arms, "And me da's one? The one I couldn't fix?" he said, looking into her green eyes with his glossy ones."

"Yes," Lily said shyly.

"Oh you doll!" Mr. Evans swept her up again, squeezing her tight. Mrs. Evans joined in.

"That's not all she does!" Tuney fussed, "She tries to scare me!"

"I wasn't," Lily faced her sister, "I only want to show you the flower. You made me feel like a freak for it."

"Why didn't you show us darling?" Mrs. Evans asked, "We could have helped."

"I didn't know I was a witch until Sev told me about it." They both looked on Severus now and his stomach twisted.

"Why didn't you tell us, Severus?" Mrs. Evans said.

Severus stammered, "I-I don't know... I just... I didn't want you to think I was crazy. That's how my dad acts. Like my my mum is crazy. I know you're not like him, but I didn't... I don't-"

Mrs. Evans scooped him into a hug that calmed his nerves. "It's okay," she said, squeezing him comfortably, "You were scared. It's okay. You don't have to be scared here."

"He tried to kill me! With a tree!" Tuney again protested.

"I didn't!" Severus objected, "It was an accident! I-"

"For what it's worth, Mrs. Evans," Dumbledore interrupted, "Young wizards can rarely control their magic. That's why they come to Hogwarts. To learn how to control it... and do great things."

Mr. Evans, like he had just won a huge lottery pool, jumped excitedly, clapped his hand and twirled Lily in the air, "We have a witch in the family! How about tha?" he said.

"She's a freak!" Tuney screamed.

"Petunia Evans!" Mrs. Evans turned, face red and eyes more piercing then Severus had ever seen, "You are never to call your sister a freak again! Do you understand?" Tuney paused. "Do you?" Severus winced.

"Yes," she said, her voice breaking.

"Now return to your room since you can't manage to behave yourself politely while we have guests!" Tuney ran to her room in her sob, but Mrs. Evans had lost all sympathy for her.

Awkwardness hung in the air until Dumbledore interrupted, "Oh! You must take Lily's letter so you can be prepared for the year ahead. Nigel here will be able to accompany you to Diagon Alley to pick up all of the necessary supplies."

Severus' heart sank. Of course, school supplies. Somehow he'd completely forgot the need and the red faced shame of borrowing a pencil and hoping whomever he borrowed it from would forget and let him keep it.

"I don mean to throw a wrench in all of these lovely plans Mister Dumble..."

"Dumbledore. Headmaster." Dumbledore said cheerfully.

"Yes. Headmaster... You see I run my own business and well... there are times when savings have to be used-"

"Not to worry, Mr. Evans," Dumbledore said, holding up a hand, "No student is turned away from Hogwarts and bursaries can be given for all of the necessary supplies if need be," With that, Severus looked up to a twinkle in Dumbeldore's eye and his fears subsided.

"And you'll be glad to know," Dumbledore added, "that Lily will not be going into this new world alone. Severus will be joining her in the next year too."

Mr. Evans smiled at Severus, and he hid his eyes. It was all so intense and strange. He wanted to cry again, but he still wasn't sad. The opposite of it.

Dumbledore continued to talk with Lily's parents, he and Nigel staying for supper with a silent and awkward interlude of Tuney approaching the table. She said nothing, returned to her room after dinner and was not allowed dessert.

Nigel and Dumbledore left that evening after many hand shakes and celebrations, Dumbeldore holding a kaleidoscope and Nigel squeaking a rubber duck.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you've enjoyed reading this story, please consider donating to my surgery fundraiser at helplola.co.uk.


	19. The Hoopers

Albus sat in the Leaky Cauldron, pulling out a pocket watch and examining the ticking hands, sucking air through his teeth impatiently.

Divination teachers were difficult to come by and even more difficult to keep hold of. He didn't usually care much for them. They always mentioned Ariana, as if that would impress him, when really their powers, if they had any, should have told them how painful that memory would be. If they had something more powerful to say, Albus knew they were a good fit. And Dippet always trusted him to choose the right people. Albus thought anxiously about his visit to a muggle orphanage years ago.

A short, dark woman sat directly in front of him, quick as lightening. She wore a black veil that hid her eyes. Her clothes looked dusty and tendrils of long greyed hair dangled from beneath the veil. She smiled widely.

"Madame... Brahan?" Albus offered.

"Please, call me Circe," a croaked and high pitched voice came from the smiling mouth.

"Circe," Albus confirmed, "You're... aware of the time?"

"Yes," she grinned, "I told you I would probably be late." A member of the bar staff came over, putting a tall glass of cider down in front of her. Albus stifled a grin as he watched her pull up her veil slightly to fit the drink under. Another hand came out with a note she popped into the bar staff's hand and she said, "Keep the change."

The staff member looked at the crumpled note awkwardly and then shrugged away.

"I could have have made the meeting for just a bit later if you'd like," Albus offered.

Circle clicked her tongue on her teeth, "It's no good dear. It's meant to be. Now you'd like some sort of demonstration I'll wager? Something to prove I have what it takes to teach Divination? That I can... divine as it were?"

Albus grinned widely, "Well, yes I suppose."

Circe put out a finger and gave it a wag. "Never fear. Any minute now and you'll have what you need. But I'll need to finish this first." Circe then proceeded to down the remainder of the pint in such a speed that Albus' eyebrows nearly reached the brim of his purple hate. To be her age and have that sort of constitution- but then come to think of it, he had no idea how old she really was. 

"Aah!" she said, finishing the class and setting it on the table with a clank, "Now it's due to be here. Any minute." She let out a large belch that caught the attention of the nearest tables and a staff member who had been drying pint glasses. Albus nearly flushed, and he didn't embarrass easily.

"Oh no, it's not that," Circel said, erupting into a cheery laughter.

"I should think not," Albus said, laughing.

They sat in awkward silence for a moment while Circe tapped her fingers on the table. "I think it's just..." she said after a moment, "Do you have the time?"

Albus got out his pocket watch again. "It's just nearly half past the--"

A plop sound as Circe's head dropped to the table, this time not attracting the attention of anyone. Albus gaped and made a move to put away his watch and get help but just as he stood, Circe shot straight up again. She spoke in an eerie voice, monotoned:

"The one with the power of balance is just within your reach. Guide-less, fitful and neglected. This is who you must teach. As the shadows rise slowly. Tragedy awaits in pain and death. Should you train this disciple, he will stop the shadow's murdering breath."

Albus stared at Circe as she recited what he understood to be a prophecy. He'd heard about them before, but he'd never actually seen one recounted. When Circe finished, she rested her head on the table and Albus sat awkwardly watching until a member of the bar staff approached with a plate of fish and chips.

"Oh, I don't believe I ordered anything--" he began.

The staff member put a hand up, "No, this is for her. Just give her a minute."

They waited a few seconds until Circe shout right back up again, throwing the veil over her head and taking a deep breath.

"Well then," she began, then noticing the person standing next to her, "There's my fish and chips right on time!" she grinned at the staff member, taking the plate and passing a note back. When they bent down to take it, Circe clamped down her hand, looked dead straight into their eyes and said, "Don't you spend this on Firewhiskey."

Albus looked up at the shocked eyes as the staff member nodded, backed away slowly and turned towards the bar.

"Now," Circe said, digging into her fish and chips, "I didn't think it would take that much energy but isn't that just the way things go?" she asked, quickly adding, "I'm eating because I know you're not hungry."

Albus nodded, "That was..."

"A prophecy," Circe grinned, "You got it,"

"But do you remember then... what you said--"

"Oh no," Circe said, biting down on the long fried fillet and waving a hand, "I haven't any clue what I just said. Just know it was meant to be a prophecy."

"How did you know?" Albus said.

Circe stopped chewing and looked at Albus blankly," Well... I'm a seer. I do divination. I know what's going to happen, don't I?"

"So... then should I say what the--"

"No! For Merlin's sake, no. And to answer your next question, I have no idea how I knew it'd be for you. I just did. And to answer the question after that, I just don't know how these things work. D'you think the cook knows how fish breathe under water? Maybe. Maybe not. Probably not because it's got nothing to do with how it's cooked." She gestured the fish towards Albus, skewered on her fork.

It was a good question he couldn't really argue with.

"And you better listen to it too. Because if you don't well..." Circe guffawed. She then yanked the veil off of her head and threw it down onto the seat beside her. "So itchy," she said, "but it's better than a red mark where my head hits a table, though."

"What happens if I don't-"

"You know it doesn't really work like that."

"Like what?"

"You know like what. Come on, it's not like that and now you're cheating."

"Cheating?" Albus said, horrified.

"You're cheating," Circe said between large bites and chip picks, "You think all it takes is me telling you what all's going on when and then you make the right decision. But it doesn't work like that. I'm not the ghost of Christmas past. I just know a few things."

"And those things are?" Albus asked curiously.

Circe gestured with a fork, "You're going to do what it says and you're going to hire me. And I'm going to work for a short time for you."

Albus stared back at her, before guffawing himself, "Is that so?"

"Of course. Why else would I act like this?" 

She smiled at him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies for the lack of updates. I've been moving and having some personal stuff, but weekly updates should resume!
> 
> If you enjoy this story, please consider donating to my surgery fundraiser at helplola.co.uk.


	20. The Hoppers

"I've been here before!" Severus shouted, recognising the pub his Auntie had taken him to.

"Oh swell!" Nigel said, ushering an unusually quiet Mr. Evans through the back door. 

"You sure this is righ'" he asked.

Lily and Severus took hands and they walked into the barren courtyard.

"Absolutely," Nigel said, smiling, "Now, dear friends, we're just about to head into Diagon Alley, where we'll be sure to find all of the items on Lily and Severus' school list."

Lily held hers up proudly, earning a smile from Nigel. Severus pat the hefty number of coins in his pocket Nigel had given him to buy his supplies with. 

Nigel turned and took out a wand from his pocket and Severus locked his eyes on it. He tapped a few of the bricks and Lily, Severus and Mr. Evans stood gobsmacked as the bricks folded away to reveal a bustling high street.

"Would you look at tha'?" Mr. Evans said.

Nigel turned around and smiled at them, extending his arm sin welcome. "This is Diagon Alley!"

They visited Gringotts first to take out some subsidy for Lily's books and exchange the muggle money into the strange sets of coins that made up Galleons, Knuts and Sickles. Mr. Evans was as fascinated with everything surrounding him in Diagnon Alley as Nigel had been in the Evans' house. Lily and Severus had to drag him from nearly every shop window on their way to the wizarding bank.

Occasionally Mr. Evans would shout words attracting the attention of a few nearby wizards usually entrapped in their conversations.

"Cauldrons! Wands! Robes!" he shouted as Lily pushed him toward the bank.

"C'mon Da!" Lily said, "You can't buy anything anyway," she said, grinning at him. Although Severus wasn't nearly as expressive, his mind bounced from shop to shop.

Once inside the bank, Mr. Evans stared openly at the goblins sitting atop of tall desks, rifling through stacks of coins and returning any type of glance with a scowl. While Nigel spoke to a goblin behind a desk, the three of them looked around, Mr. Evans crouched down to both of them.

"This is brilliant! I should havr brought your mum, darling!"

Lily clutched both Severus' hand and her dad's, staring at the goblins wide eyed. "Da! Do you think there are goblins at Hogwarts?"

"I'm not sure sweetie," Mr. Evans said, "But I don't think you'll be in any danger. And I'm sure Mr. Nigel wouldn't take us anywhere where we'd be in danger."

Nigel must have heard Mr. Evans and, once he finished speaking to the goblin, he too crouched down to pat Lily on the shoulder. "Don't worry," he said smiling, "They look grumpy but goblins are one of most peaceful creatures the Ministry has ever had any relations with. There's only been a handful of wars between our kinds and that's mostly because of our own ignorance. We treat them poorly and they get mad, as they should!"

"Goblin wars?" Mr. Evans said incredulously with a grin.

Nigel winced. "They might not look like much to you but aside from being amazing with money, they are geniuses with metals. Their armour is indestructible. and their jewellery is beautiful." He returned to his conversation with the goblin, heading toward a vault. Lily's face changed from fear to amazement. "So they make metal thinks... like kaleidoscopes?"

"Like your Da makes?" Mr. Evans said, "I'm sure they might do."

Lily's eyes widened and she grabbed her father's arm, shaking it in excitement. "Daddy, can we please give a goblin one? Please?"

Mr. Evans grinned, "Of course you can darling. Which one of have you got?"

Lily reached in the bag her father carried across his shoulder, pulling out a shorter kaleidoscope painted purple with silver metal trimmings, decorated with stars. Lily looked back up to her father cautiously.

"I know its the first one you gave me Da, but... I really want them to have one. Can I?"

Mr. Evans didn't look even remotely bothered by the thought. "Darling, it's yours to do what you want with it."

"Thank you, Da."

Severus watched Lily intently as she picked a goblin at random, a small one shoving a cart down the massive hall.

"Excuse me?" Lily said politely. The goblin, who had a particularly perturbed face, looked back up at her. The voice was deep and croaky like a frog. 

"Yes," the goblin bellowed, looking up at her with a tilted potato shaped head.

"My name is Lily and I would like to give you a present. Is that okay?"

"Present?" the goblin grunted.

"Yes," Lily smiled, "What's your name?"

"Gricknak," the goblin croaked.

Lily smiled, "Lovely. Gricknak. Could I give you a present?"

The goblin stared just for a moment and his intense brow seemed to relax a bit. "Yes," the goblin croaked.

The goblin's face, though permanently stuck into a frown changed. The eyebrows relaxed and the corners of the mouth, rather than pointing to the floor, came upwards, level with the ground. And the mouth, rather than being tightly pursed, now gaped wide in astonishment.

The goblin pulled the kaleidoscope away from the light and gazed up at Lily. "Who made this?" came the same croaky voice.

"Oh!" Lily said, "My Da. Do you want to meet him?"

Lily turned to the side and extended a hand toward her father who still stood next to Severus. The goblin hobbled over to where Mr. Evans stood, Lily following nervously behind. He stopped short in front of Mr. Evans cradling the kaleidoscope gently.

"You make likecosco?" the goblin croaked.

Mr. Evans nodded. "Yes. I made that."

The goblin looked back down in amazement. "But you, let me rent?" came the croaky voice, "For how much?"

Mr. Evans chortled. "Oh, no. You don't have to rent it. That's Lily kaleidoscope. She wanted to give it to you for free."

The goblin looked perplexed, a purple tongue darted out to lick dry lips. The small, beady eyes examined the kaleidoscope over again. "You made it?" the goblin again gestured toward Mr. Evans. He nodded in agreement. 

"But I have given it to Lily," Mr. Evans pointed to her as she smiled, "And now she wants to give it to you." He pointed at the goblin.

Looked down again to examine the purple tube, the goblin looked up at them both. "For goblins," the voice again came, "those who make are those who own... But you are wizard... and muggle. And... I understand." The goblin's mouth upturned into what seemed like a smile and Lily broke out into a giggle.

"Thank you," the goblin said, looking at the Lily and Mr. Evans. "This Likecoscope is... wonderful."

"I'm glad you like it. I was worried it might be too girly for you, but I didn't see any girl goblins!"

"No girl goblins," came the voice, "No boy goblins. Just goblins."

"But... you're all wearing boy clothes?" Lily asked.

White bristly hair jostled as the head shook. "Wearing banker clothes. Like muggles. Makes all more comfortable. Wizards expect clothes. Too many arguments. This much easier."

"Oh!" Lily said, "Mr. Nigel called you a 'he', is that not right?"

The goblin shrugged. "English not important. Gobbledegook has words for us. What wizards think, not important. They think goblins are servants. Especially Gricknak. Goblins who don't speak English. Write seven books in Gobbledegook. Wizards and muggles don't care. But goblins don't care that wizards don't care," The goblins shrugged, still half smiling, then went back to examining the kaleidoscope. 

Nigel re-joined the group, accompanied by an elegantly dressed goblin.

"Sorry, folks. I just had to have a chat with the Hogwarts vault goblins about our bursary," Nigel said, then noticing Gricknak. "What's this then?"

Gricknak approached the other well-dressed goblin, speaking in a snappy language no one but the other goblin recognised. The goblin gestured toward Lily and Mr. Evans, passing over the kaleidoscope. The elegantly dressed goblin had a look through it, spinning the end and the mouth of the goblin dropped in astonishment.

"My word!" the elegantly dressed goblin, "What an ingenious invention! Gricknak says that you made this yourself?" He pointed to Mr. Evans.

"Yes. That's what I do for a living. I make kaleidoscopes," Mr. Evans said smiling. Nigel looked dumbstruck between them, delighted by the exchange.

The elegant goblin examined it once more. "Fantastic!" The goblin then walked up to Mr. Evans and extended a hand. Mr. Evans and Lily shook both of the goblin's hands and then bade a hasty goodbye. They rushed away as a throng of other goblins speaking rapidly in their language marched toward the elegant goblin pointing at the kaleidoscope. Before Gricknak joined the elegant goblin marching down the hall, he turned and offered Lily a broad and awkward smile, with a bow.

"That was lovely!" Nigel said on their way out of the bank, "Now only if most wixards would behave as politely and kindly as you all did, there would be a lot less turmoil."

Lily blushed and remained modest, but Severus followed them out of the bank in awe. Maybe because he'd had so little, he'd be hesitant to give away anything as precious as that. 

After they picked up their books, Lily squirmed with excitement. "I can't wait to get started reading them! So much more interesting than maths!" Severus eyed the books with dread. Along with their weight, he could feel the impending heaviness of the struggle to pull himself through paragraphs and slog through sentences only to come out of it confused and bewildered. It was if every word were an undertow in a torrential sea, dragging Severus under. The books reminded Severus of the lack of respect most teachers had for students who couldn't read and the older he got, the more intense the embarrassment he felt asking for help.

Still he nodded and smiled at Lily in encouragement as she gazed over her set of second-hand books. The only book that had caught his attention was the book on Defence Against the Dark Arts, which Severus thought might house some sort of protection spell he could use for his mother. And then cauldrons caught his eye and despite the thickness of his Potions book, he looked forward to his first Potions class.

Their last stop was a wand, which had Severus' palms sweating. This must have been where his mother went. Would the person selling wands know what snapped his Mother's wand? Could wizards read minds?

Lily, still stuck at the robe shop, said she would catch up in a minute. Severus normally would have waited for her, but given the history, he turned the knob and made his way into the dusty shop.

There wasn't a sound in the shop. No creaking. No shuffling. Nothing. Severus called out, but no response came. The shelves, stuffed with small short boxes, surrounded him. Out of the corner of his eye, he spotted a black box lying horizontally over a sea of brown boxes. It stuck out so plainly, the rest of the boxes faded away. Normally in a shop, Severus would touch nothing he knew his parents couldn't buy, which was most things in all shops. Years of training made him terrified of touching anything. But this box pulled him in.

As he picked up the box, he heard a hoarse voice in his ear.

"Curious!" the voice said.

"I-I'm sorry," Severus said, putting down the box quickly, backing away.

An aging man with greying hair who looked at Severus as if he were a fascinating animal displaying a rare behaviour. He grabbed the box and passed it back to Severus.

"The wand chooses the wizard," the man said, "Please try it out."

Severus examined the man's face for a moment, sincerity and calm conveyed through his shiny blue eyes. He opened the box and gripped the wand toward the thicker, squared off end, tearing himself from the blue eyes to examine it.

The wand felt warm in his hand and the warmth spread through his arms, toward his heart. He could see the glow surround him.

"Incredibly curious!" the man stood aghast in front of Severus, gaping at him as if he were balancing a sword on a sword hanging out of his mouth.

"Is this it?" Severus asked, "This is the right one?"

The man continued to stare. "Astonishingly... yes."

He outstretched a hand and shook Severus', strong without being too awkward.

"Ollivander," the man said, still staring. Severus didn't think the man had blinked yet.

Still, going from being afraid of someone to giving them a present and shaking their hand was a canyon Severus didn't think he'd ever have the nerve to cross. 

"Severus Snape," he said.

"Son of..." then Ollivander hesitated... "Eileen Prince?"

He nodded, hoping to avoid too much talk about his mother. But curiosity got the better of him and he asked, "Have you sold many wands to the Prince family?"

"Oh yes," he said, without a hint of a smile, his eyes now more distant than welcoming, "And my father has as well. I remember many members of the family visiting." Ollivander sounded almost bitter but then decided to change course.

"This wand in particular," he gestured back toward the black wand still in Severus' hand, "Is the last wand in this shop made by my father. And the last wand we have with a thestral tail feather core. And indeed it may be the only few wands made in this country using a thestral tail feather."

"What's a thestral?" Snape asked.

"Winged horses only seen by those who have witnessed and accepted death... To use it in a wand core means that the owner is capable of facing death..."

Severus looked back down at the wand. Had he been unafraid to face death? He didn't fear it, but that was out of exhaustion more than bravery. So many times when his father had gone off his hinges, he'd been way more terrified of his mother's death. He briefly feared for himself but after so many tussles, the feeling had grown weaker and weaker.

"What does that mean?" Severus asked, looking back at Ollivander.

Ollivander paused, still staring and not blinking. "Thestral hair is a powerful core, a core I don't use in any of the wands I make because, quite simply, I cannot see thestrals as my father could. Birch is a solid and dense wood, requiring a very skilled wizard and a powerful core to go through it. With this wood, you may find Occulmency much easier and with this core... well, what you do without a fear of death is completely up to your imagination. You could either do something wonderful... or terrible."

They stood gazing at each other for a moment before the sound of Lily opening the door broke the tense moment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please consider donating to my surgery fundraiser if you've enjoyed my story! helplola.co.uk


	21. The Horners

The remainder of the year seemed to go on forever. Although Lily kept herself involved in the schoolwork she had remaining, Severus couldn't bring himself to muster the energy to complete any assignments. He'd already been accepted to Hogwarts and despite polite encouragement from Dumbledore after their Diagon Alley trip, Severus spent more time with his head buried in "The Dark Forces" than anything. He ended the year with laughable grades and was glad that, for once, when his father used his poor academic performance as an excuse to berate him, he simply didn't care.

His mother had taken most of the rest of what he'd bought in Diagon Alley, posting it straight to Dumbledore to avoid his father's eyes. He'd hidden The Dark Forces book in his crumpled sheets as she swept through his room, hushing and forbidding him to say a word about Hogwarts to his father. 

He still had no idea how she was going to tell him about where Severus would mysteriously vanish to as every boarding school within a good couple of cities were private. He would have gladly given his place at Hogwarts up ages ago, before he learned what he and his mother really were, just to keep her safe. But as the time drew nearer, Severus' bitterness grew.

"She should have told me," he gritted between his teeth one afternoon with Lily as they sat reading in the park.

Lily looked up from her book, eyes widening. She hesitated before speaking. "I'm sure she wanted to Sev. Maybe she couldn't. You know, especially when I think of what your father is like."

"But she could have left him!" Severus' voice raised as he dropped the old copy of the Wizard of Oz he'd brought from his room. "She knew magic, Lily! She could have... turned him into something."

Lily nodded, looking into Severus' frustrated, watering eyes. He looked away from her patient and empathetic green ones. Looking at Lily almost brought with it an infusion of her patience and understanding, something he didn't want to feel right at that moment.

Severus slammed his back against the tree. "She could have done something," he said softly.

Lily put down her book and reached over, wrapping her arms around Severus' stiff shoulders. He stood still at first, still shocked by the unfamiliarity of touch. Then he relaxed, putting his arms around her as she gave him a soft squeeze.

"Maybe I'm sad about missing my family when I go but... I am glad you're leaving yours in a way," Lily said. 

Severus sighed when she let go of him. "I guess I should feel more sad. I'm leaving her with him. Who knows what's going to happen when I'm gone."

"But it's not your job to protect her," Lily said, without thinking. She'd been wanting to say it to him for awhile now, but didn't really know how. Severus had always worried himself about his mother, less so in the last few months. Lily had never known another kid to worry about his mother so much. It was usually the other way around.

"Who's job is it then?" Severus asked, "My dad won't do it... and she won't either. So who?"

Lily sighed. "I don't know Sev... but you're only a kid. We're both only kids. How are we meant to take care of grown ups. They're meant to take care of us."

Severus sneered. "Well, that's not the way it is unfortunately. I have to look out for my mum and make sure she's all right. But I don't know how I can do it all the way in Hogwarts."

"Maybe this time... you should just let her do what she's meant to do? And let her take care of herself?" Lily offered.

Severus shrugged. "I'll be back. After I learn everything I can about how to stop him with magic. I'll be back and he won't be able to hurt her anymore. I'll curse him so hard he'll--"

Lily backed away, shocked. "But, Sev, you can't. He doesn't know magic. He can't defend himself."

Severus guffawed. "Can't defend himself? He seems to have been doing all right defending himself against a witch for the past decade."

"You know what I mean Sev," Lily pleaded, "He doesn't know any better. And he won't be able to defend himself. It wouldn't be fair."

It would balance out all those unfair times his father had him cornered though, he thought. But Severus didn't say anything and bit his tongue.

There were times in their friendship when Lily's lack of understanding of Severus' life were sweet and endearing, but other times when it frustrated Severus so much he wanted to jump up and shout and scream that he would have given everything he had to have her family and she would never, ever understand what it was like to have his. He thought everything came easily to Lily, except the worst of problems and although his anger during these moments subsided, at times it would poke it's head out and roar at him that they were from completely separate worlds that would one day eventually separate them.

"SNIVELLUS!" came a roar, echoing up the hill into the park.

Lily and Severus jumped, breaking away from each other and scrambling to their feet. 

"My dad," Severus panted, "Where do we go?"

"My house?"

They gathered up their things as quick as possible, just finishing when Tobias Snape rounded on them, brandishing The Dark Forces in his hand.

"You filthy heathen!" he shouted stampeding towards him. 

Severus shoved Lily back towards the tree and she tripped on a root, spilling everything in her hands onto the muddy ground.

"Lily!" Severus shouted before Tobias Snape grabbed the cuff of his collar, lifted him off the ground and pinned him to the side of the tree. Lily snapped up the blanket, books and other materials and shrunk behind another tree, staring at the exchange, frozen in place.

"You filthy little heathen! How dare you bring this rubbish into my house?"

Severus struggled to free himself as Tobias raged, flinging his legs desperately from the tree and missing his father's torso. Tobias shook him and barked, "Answer me!"

He gave up the struggle, panting to get his breath back and looked up at his father with a curled lip. "I've got it because I'm going to Hogwarts," he said clearly and coldly.

"Hogwarts!" his father barked at him, shaking him again, "You're not going anywhere, you pathetic sack of dog shite."

"Tobias!" a weary, high and strained voice called from behind them, echoing in the cold air. 

"Go home Eileen! I'll bring the boy when I'm finished with him!" Tobias Snape shouted. Eileen ran up the hill towards them, shuffling like a runner at the end of a long marathon, her face streaked with tears. "Let him go," she sobbed between ragged breaths, "It's mine. It's my book. Let him go."

"Don't be stupid Eileen, I found it in his bed! You saying you went into his room to have a bit of a read?" Tobias Snape's grip on his collar tightened.

Eileen continued to sob, nodding quickly and wiping her nose on his sleeve. When she brushed her hair out of her face, Severus could see a purple spot growing under her eye. "Please, don't."

"Please dooooon't," Tobias Snape mocked, "You're too soft on him Eileen. That's why he runs around like a queer, reading books in the park with girls instead of doing what he ought."

The collar of his shirt had tightened so much and with the pressure his father held him against the tree, Severus' airway was nearly cut off. But he gathered the strength to rasp, "F--k y-u."

His father turned and squared him in the face with cavernous, cold eyes, "What did you just say to me?"

Severus had both of his hands on his father's arm, pushing it away from him. He took a deep breath in and said in a clear voice, "I said. Fuck you. Sir."

Tobias Snape flung Severus across the grass like a rag doll. His head hit the ground, hard and his vision blurred. For a moment, lying on the cold grass he forgot where he was and nearly lay flat to sleep, but through the spots and confusion he saw a blur of what looked like red hair and remembered.

"Lily," he thought he heard himself say, "Go back to--"

His body was flung over and a huge weight bore down on his chest. He saw his father's cold eyes hover over him and two rough hands wrapped around his throat. He tried to breathe, but he couldn't. He batted at the hands weakly and in the distance, he could see his mother's face.

"Mum," he could have sworn he said, "Do something."

She stood shouting at Tobias, hands wringing and crying. 

The black spots overtook his vision and Severus hands fell to his sides. His eyes closed and he stopped struggling.

When he opened his eyes again, blue walls surrounded him and faint beeping echoed in his ears. 

"Sev?" a voice came from his left side, "Are you awake?"

Slowly full consciousness came back to him. He could feel the starchy sheets draped over his body, the sore part of his arm where an IV was taped, the sweat on his forehead and the back of his neck, and, when he pulled himself up a bit, the soreness around his throat.

"Sev," Lily said brightly, patting one of his hands with hers. His were clammy and they felt almost bizarre to move.

"What happened?" Severus tried to say, but the pain in his voice stopped him. He sounded like he'd spent the last day screaming at the top of his lungs.

Lily squeezed his hand. "The doctor said it might be hard for you to speak," she said, "But it'll be okay Sev."

Severus looked back up at the blue walls and for reasons he wasn't quite sure of, tears began pooling in his eyes.

"Your dad..." Lily said, "He tried to..." 

Severus looked down toward her and nodded. Her green eyes were filling up. She nodded back at him.

"My dad was coming to find us for dinner," she said, trying to smile, "he was going to treat us. And he found your dad and... you were out for a little while and, he got you to come back. Your dad started saying he was sorry for it all but dad called and ambulance and the police."

Severus steadied his breath. There were so many things he wanted to ask about. His mother. Whether or not his father was in jail. Would he stay there or not? The questions flooded his mind, but a man opening the door stopped Lily in the middle of her story.

"He's just woke up," she said, "he's all right."

A familiar face smiled at Lily and looked back up at him. Officer Jones nodded in his direction and then crouched to meet Lily's eyes. "Why don't you go and tell your parents in the hall? And give us a few minutes?"

Lily looked back at him, apprehensive, but agreed and bounced out of the door after assuring Severus that she wouldn't be gone long.

"I'm sorry," Severus whispered hoarsely as the Officer sat next to his bed, "I didn't say anything."

Officer Jones looked up at him, surprised and waved his hand. 

"It's hard to come out against someone like that Severus. But now, thankfully, we don't need you or your mother to testify against your father. We finally have enough just from Mr. Evans to arrest him."

Severus pushed himself up, looking at Officer Jones square in the face, trying to detect any hints of deception. 

"Is he... going to jail?"

"We'll need to wait until the trial and everything is all cleared up before we can say for sure but... it's going to be very hard for your father to argue his way out of this."

Officer Jones stood and embraced Severus, and this time he didn't yelp or flinch. Instead he squeezed the Officer tightly, praying silently that this wasn't a dream.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies for the long delay. I had a lot of life stuff to sort out including getting a new job, moving to a new place, and finding a new partner <3\. When Alan Rickman passed away, it was a little difficult for me to return to write about Severus again. But I'm back now and hopefully will be adding a new chapter every week again.
> 
> As always, if you've enjoyed my work here, please consider donating a bit to my surgery fundraiser --> helplola.co.uk.


	22. The Hyups

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Severus is left alone to contemplate his mother's absence when a twist of fate alters his course.

He could hear the creak of the floorboards whenever he moved. The house was silent. Eerily silent. He thought he would be happy to finally be free of his father's bellowings, the constant feel of the hairs on the back standing up, the incessant bang of his heartbeat in his ears, but instead the silence seemed to make everything else just as loud. 

Normally when he spent time with Lily, the time would speed by him so fast that he could barely believe they'd been friends for as long as they had, but the time leading up to their inevitable departure to Hogwarts seemed to go slower the closer they both got. With his father out of the house, his mother, he assumed, took advantage of her new found freedom. Severus' told himself that his mother must have snuck back into the house while he was sleeping, that she had just purely been too tired to address the single moulding plate he kept sitting on the counter for no reason in particular.

He paced across the floorboards, each one of them groaning in protest as he pushed his full weight down on it. He walked all the way up to the barren cupboards and then back down toward the tattered couch, wondering if Lily's family would believe another lie about him coming over just when they had dinner. Part of his brain told him he could just tell them the truth. He had no food in the house. He hadn't seen his mother in days. They'd take him in in a heartbeat. 

But the truth of it, the raw feeling of hunger marinating in his belly, souring his own tongue, felt way too potent. It brought the hot tingling of shame to his cheeks and made him want to fold into nothing, to collapse into the powerful yearning and churning until he became nothing in the face of it. As Severus paced once more toward the cold stove, a floorboard just below him creaked in a different tune than the rest of them.

He wouldn't have noticed it if he hadn't spent the past hour pacing up and down the living room. Taking his foot off of the floorboard, he bent over, poking it with his fingers. After a severe poke, so hard it made the first joint of his finger ache, the edge of the floorboard lifted in one corner. Severus grabbed the side of it, pulling it up.

Dust wafted into the air from the dark hole in the ground. He couldn't see down it, but Severus knew what must have been hidden there. He reached his hand down, fingers twiddling past something the size of a pencil, but just larger. His heart leapt. He flattened it in his palm, squeezing it safely inside and pulling it from the dark.

It was a wand. His mother's wand. Something he'd been waiting to see again for ages. If Severus hadn't been so trained to restrain his happiness for fear of backlash, he'd have shouted for joy. Instead, he listened to the steady beat of his heart in his temples and felt the sweat gathering just below his lip. Exhaling, the dust broke off from the wand and wafted into the air. It looked different than the other one he'd had. It was lighter, carved intricately with swirls around the base, jutting out into a solid, obelisk like point. 

Now that he had it in his hand, without fear of anyone taking it from him in the immediate future, Severus had no idea what to actually do with it. He looked back down at the dark hole and pushed his hand down, meeting a familiar rough texture. He pulled two books out of the hole and rubbed the dust off of them. Silver text embossed on a black cover spelt "Magick Most Evile". A second large black book bound in leather contained the title "Secrets of the Darkest Art".

He opened "Magick Most Evile" and found writing on the inside of the book. A fancy and near illegible cursive read, "To my only daughter Eileen. Carry on the proud legacy of the Prince name on your graduation day. May you quickly find an appropriate suitor of an equally worthy name."

He thumbed through them for a moment. Then he remembered some of the books Lily had leant him hidden away in his room. He scuttled back to his familiar hiding place, now emptied complete of the last batch of food donated by Mrs. Evans. He carried two books matching the same thickness as “Magick Most Evile” and “Secrets of the Darkest Art” and placed them back beneath the floorboards. He sat on his bed with the two books, twiddling the wand in his hand and thumbing through a few of the pages quickly. He wondered if any of them would by luck have something about creating food.

Then he read a line that caught his eye: “If one has a particularly small bezoar to counteract a large quantity of potion, one can always use the engorgio charm to make it slightly larger.” 

Stuffing the wand into the band of his worn trousers, Severus went back to his bare cupboards, opening and shutting them in hopes of finding something. Then he spotted something in the back corner he ignored when he unsuccessfully raided the cupboards before: a small, slightly shrivelled potato. He snatched it, blew off the dust, and placed it on the counter. 

His hand shook as he pointed the wand. He wondered whether he needed to twist or flick it the right way. The book didn't mention how to do the spell, just the words. And the worse thing that could happen? Maybe he'd blow up his house and he'd have a real reason to go to the Evans’ anyway. And maybe he'd definitely know if his mother was actually coming home or not because she'd definitely notice a gaping hole in her roof. So he took a big breath, closed his eyes and said aloud, “Engorgio”.

Severus burst into laughter for the first time in days since he saw it. The potato had grown easily ten times its original size, looking as big as a pumpkin, and a large one at that. He rustled a knife out of the cupboards and put a pot of water out to boil, chucking large bits of potato in while he thumbed through “Magick Most Evile” as the pan simmered.

“Lily?” Severus asked the next day, palms sweating, “I-I'm going to need to keep hold of some of the books you leant me for a bit… Is that okay?”

Lily smiled back, “Sure! I said you could keep them as long as you'd like, remember?”

“Oh yeah,” Severus said, trying to breathe easy, “I forgot.”  
Severus sat down at his desk, sinking his head behind the burly student who sat just behind him. He pulled out “Magick Most Evile” mixed in with his schoolbooks, propped it open and hidden among his notebooks and continued to read from the line he last remembered as he fell asleep over it the night before. As the teacher droned on, Severus remained transfixed by the potions and spells described in the book, not even noticing when Lily attempted to catch his gaze.

“What's that book?” Lily whispered, peering over his shoulder after the class had ended.

“Nothing!” Severus barked, snapping the cover and pushing a book over it, “it's nothing”. He forced a smile as he gathered his papers quickly, shoving the book into his bag.

Lily looked startled but smiled back at him anyway, “If you'd like to come over for dinner tonight, my mum said you're welcome.”

Severus remembered the half eaten potato sitting in the kitchen and its likelihood of rotting if he didn't eat it quickly. “I can't tonight but maybe some other night?” The pages of “Magick Most Evile” called to him.

Lily tried to hide her surprise. “My mum really wants me home tonight,” Severus said quickly, touching her arm, “You know how she can be.”

“Right, yeah,” Lily said nodding and pursing her lips empathetically in a way that irritated Severus. 

“I'll see you later Lily,” he muttered, shuffling out of the room quickly. 

That night, after finishing a large bowl of boiled potato, Severus fell asleep face first into “Magick Most Evile”. When he woke up, late again for school, Severus thumbed back through a passage he'd read before nodding off. It described something called the Bat Bogey Hex and, with a growling stomach dissatisfied by another large meal of boiled potato, Severus imagined himself picking a bit of fruit and bread and stuffing it into his pockets, flinging the hex at anyone who caught him or even flinging it at someone to distract the store owners and making off with even more food.

As he secured his mother’s wand again in the waistband of his trousers, two loud bangs came at the door and Severus jumped. He crawled towards the door, pushing his ear against it for the jingling of keys or the revving of an engine of a car, even though he'd heard no car approaching. 

“Severus” came a familiar voice that made him jump at first, then he cracked open the door.

Dumbledore smiled back up at him, a halo around him coming from the glare of the sun. “Might I come in then Severus?”

He nodded, awestruck, shutting the door behind Dumbledore and watching as he swept a bit of dirt off of the mangled couch and sat down smiling. While Severus imagined the vast majority of people who had the misfortune to sit in his living room and on the couch might have placed themselves down awkwardly, nearly squatting, Dumbledore had perched himself on the sofa as if he were sitting on a comfortable lawn chair, outside on a breezy warm day bathing in the summer sun. He patted the sofa just next to him and said, “Would you care to join me?”

Severus acquiesced, but the hairs on the back of his neck stood up and his mind warned him of potential impending violence he doubted from Dumbledore but nevertheless had grown to expect. 

“Now, Severus,” Dumbledore began once he sat down, “For the last 24 hours, I've been exchanging frequent owls with the Ministry of Magic, advocating on your behalf. Do you know why?”

Severus shook his head.

Dumbledore smiled back down on him cheerily. “Well, I'm not sure you are aware of this, Severus, but it is against magical law for underage wizards to practice magic outside of their schools, except for the occasional wandless magical accident which can happen now and then. And in fact whenever a child gets ahold of their parents’ wands, well… It's more of a matter of replacing property than enforcing any laws.”

Severus said nothing but his face grew a deep crimson and his mother’s wand felt obvious in his waistband.

“But in your case Severus, practicing magic with a wand that was stolen from—“

“I didn't steal it!” Severus interrupted before realising what he'd done and hanging his head, “I mean I… I found it.”

Severus expected Dumbledore to glare back at him, but instead he grinned. “Yes, I suspected that might have been so. It's known among many that Eileen Snape does very little, if any magic if the measurement of her involvement in the wizarding community is anything to base it off of and in fact, it's likely that the only reason the Ministry was aware of your use of her wand was because it was relatively newly bought.”

Severus nodded, staying silent.

“I am convinced, however, that if there was some reason for you to do magic, it must have been very important and have appealed to the Ministry to, rather than forcing you into a trial at the Wizengamot, allow me to question you and report back to them the nature of the situation. So, Severus, what did you cast with your mother’s wand and I will say that while I am putting confidence in you to tell the truth, the Ministry have ways to find the last spell cast with your mother’s wand and should that differ from the story you give me, I won't be able to stop you from being summoned to appear in the Wizengamot. Do you understand?”

Severus nodded, though he didn't really understand what the “Wizengamot” was, but he figured that he didn't want to go there. “I cast an engorgio spell… Sir,” Severus added, standing and leading Dumbledore to the kitchen, “On this potato I found in the cupboard.”

Most of the potato had been hollowed out by the knife and spoon Severus had found, but what remained looked nearly like a hollowed out egg. To his surprise, Dumbledore chuckled and clapped his hand together.

“How wonderful!” Dumbledore exclaimed, “This must be the world’s biggest jacket potato! Sadly I think the oven required to cook one wasn't in your kitchen. And I don't suppose you knew the Reducto charm to fix it, did you?”

Severus grinned just slightly, reminding himself to be wary of mentioning the book he'd found the charm in. “Well, no… Sir. But, I-I did sort of want it to be much bigger than it was.”

“You may call me Professor if you'd like Severus, and why would you want such a large potato? Planning to enter it into a county fair? That would be cheating you know,” Dumbledore said playfully.

Severus grinned again. “No, Professor. I was just hungry and I didn't have any food.” 

For the first time, he saw Dumbledore’s smile falter. He looked around the kitchen, as if taking it in for the first time.

“Where is your mother Severus?”

His face felt hot and a lump grew in his throat. He looked away from Dumbledore's now concerned eyes. “I'm not sure,” he whispered, “she might be asleep?”

He didn't stop Dumbledore as he strode past him and creaked open the door to his parents bedroom. Dumbledore sighed and turned back toward Severus. For a split second, Severus saw his lips purse annoyingly before he smoothed his eyes and looked warmly back at Severus.

“Using magic to feed yourself isn't a crime any Ministry would charge a minor with, Severus. I will report back to the Wizengamot but you must give me your mother's wand.”

Dumbledore stretched out his hand and Severus reluctantly took the wand out of his waistband and passed it over. “You will have your own again, in time. I'm going to be delivering you to your Aunt Clementine to stay for the last few months before your departure to Hogwarts.”

Severus grinned as hard has he used to while playing with Lily.

“Now I will give you a few moments to pack your things so we can leave, but I must ask you two things before we leave this place, Severus. One, I must ask you to take your Aunt’s warning very seriously. Years ago, she made a promise to your mother that she would never talk to you about the wizarding world. There are ways around this where she has found them, but she must keep that promise. If she breaks it, she could die.”

It made sense then, why Auntie Clementine had never told him about his mother, about being a wizard, and the thought sent a flood of white hot rage through his temple. 

“And two, Severus, I must ask… Is there anything you wish to tell me?”

Immediately he pictured both of the books in his mind and he averted Dumbledore's eyes, wondering if he had the ability to peer in and see the books hidden behind his gaze. He had got through half of “Magick Most Evile”, and he wanted to finish it. The curses and jinxes he'd gone through in the book were at times so gruesome he'd start awake in the middle of the night, feeling sticky cold hands pawing all over his body in his sleep, but he wanted to finish it. He wanted to know. He thought back to his father and his inevitable release. He had to be ready.

“No sir,” he lied, “I was just hungry. That's all.”

Dumbledore grinned and nodded. “Reading ahead of your course is a clever thing your teachers will appreciate,” he said. Dumbledore reached into his robes and pulled out a small blue box and handed it to Severus. “Not the ideal breakfast food, but a chocolate frog will help give you the energy to pack. I'll send an owl to your Aunt Clementine now and make sure she can have a nice breakfast waiting for you. I can arrange for her to have the rest of your Hogwarts items so you will be able to successfully pack for your train..”

“Thank you, sir. I mean… Professor.”

Dumbledore grinned. “Technically I'm the headmaster but even that sounds a bit silly to say all the time. Now go on and pack!” 

Severus rushed to his room, shutting “Magick Most Evile” and wrapping it and his other book in a few layers of clothing, shoving it all the way to the bottom of his schoolbag.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies for the lack of updates! It's been very difficult to find writing time in between all of my life stuff. If you'd like to help me out, please consider donating to my surgery fundraiser at helplola.co.uk.


	23. The Loons

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Severus finally boards the train to Hogwarts and makes a few friends.

“Severus!” Lily shouted across the platform, making him jump.

A twinge of guilt passed through Severus’ stomach. It had only been a few weeks, but he had spent most of it buried under his two new books or with his Aunt out to delicious dinners and fantastic lunches that paled in comparison to bland potato and only lacked a little bit of the character and homeliness of Mrs. Evans’ cooking. Severus has spent his days wondering where his mother had gone off to and occasionally asking his Aunt, only to be prodded politely away from the thought. With no telephone in her house and owl letters not coming to his mind naturally added onto the confusion of the past few weeks meant Severus had completely forgot to tell Lily what had happened.

She ran towards him, pulling him into a tight and suffocating hug.  
“Lily! I’m so sorry! Professor Dumbledore had to come and take me out of my house and I didn't have a way of letting you know. Auntie Clementine doesn't have a phone.”

Lily's eyes grew wide, “Did your father come back?” She almost whispered.

“Oh… Well, no. He hasn't come back yet. But neither did my mother. She'd been gone for awhile and Dumbledore decided it would be better for me to stay with my Auntie until I was going to go to Hogwarts.”

“Oh…” Lily said and he could see some colour rising to her cheeks, “You could have stayed with us you know? Mum and Da wouldn't have minded, really.”

Severus didn't want to tell her about nearly starving and blowing up the potato, not just because it would lead to inevitable questions about the books but also because he knew Lily would probably feel somewhat mad if she knew he'd gone hungry and he hadn't gone to the Evans’ home for help. Thinking back, he wasn't sure why he hadn't gone to them for help. It just felt embarrassing and much easier to pretend his mother had just stepped out rather than admitting that she'd abandoned him.

“Sorry,” he said genuinely, “I just thought it was probably better for me to be with other family members. I wouldn't want to get your parents in trouble.”

Lily nodded with a half smile. “Yeah, and knowing my Da he wouldn't care until it was too late and bad for him.”

They both laughed weakly.

“It's time though,” Severus said with a huge smile, “We're finally going!”

Lily grinned along, but something seemed to put a damper on her spirit. “I've got to go and say goodbye to Mum and Da. I'll see you in a bit on the train, okay?”

Severus nodded and watched her make her way back to the Evans’ who stood nearby. Before they could look up and recognise him, Severus turned back to his Auntie. He didn't want to have to explain to them why he'd suddenly gone missing and hadn't chosen their home instead, even though he was sure they would understand.

The sight of his mother standing next to his Auntie made his stomach drop.

She had the nerve to smile and wave at him and Severus clenched his fists by his sides. As he approached, his Auntie placed her hands on his shoulders, almost as if to warn him.

“Baby Sevvy, now, your Mum has been able to make it today to see you off on the train. Isn't that wonderful?” She smiled down encouragingly.

A slew of angry questions paraded through Severus’ mind. He wanted to know why she'd left him, how she could stand here and smile at him when she'd left him to nearly starve. How could she force his Auntie to never speak a word to him about the wizarding world and keep him from knowing of a place he could possibly fit into much better? Still there was a side of him that could remember the times when she sat crying in the house after her father had barged out, when she warned him before he was about to come home in a bad mood, all of the smacks and taunts she'd taken instead of him, and the thoughts that made Severus’ skin crawl and made him want to split his father in half. Was it all really her fault and how much could he really blame her? She had been just as much of a victim as he had, even worse at times. Severus relaxed his fists and wrapped his arms around his mother.

Their embrace was short. “You don't have much time,” Eileen said, “Your train is going to leave soon.”

“Did he come back yet?” Severus asked.

Eileen's lips tightened. “No, your father hasn't come back yet. They're still holding him in custody and deciding whether or not they are going to charge him. They won't make a decision for awhile, Severus. And I don't want you to worry about it. Not who,e you're at school and you'll have all sorts of other things to be preoccupied with.”

Severus opened his mouth to argue but shut it quickly when he saw his Auntie’s ear to ear smile. 

“Now, I've got all of your things on the train thanks to the help of some strapping gentlemen. You can feel free to write to me with one of the um… Well, you'll find out how mail is delivered once you get there. Now do be a good boy and study hard and let your Auntie and your mum know if you need anything at all, okay Baby Sevvy?”

Severus smiled and quipped, “I'm not a baby, Auntie.”

She leaned in and ruffled his hair.

Severus started as the whistle from the train blew. He launched himself into a tight hug in his Auntie’s arms until Lily called, “Cmon Sev!”

He turned and spotted her waving to her parents from a window inside the train.

“Bye Auntie! Bye Mum!” 

Severus turned in his heel, running toward the train doors with his backpack clunking him in his spine. “Goodbye Mr. and Mrs. Evans! And… Sorry,” he said sheepishly. They helped him up onto the train as Mr. Evans added, “Don’t worry about it, just keep my darling company, eh?”

He grinned and waved.

Just as Severus turned the platform a tall boy a few years older than him with long blonde hair and a pale, pointed face gave him a start and he tripped over his feet. The two books fell forward out of his bag, over his head, landing in front of him with their covers bare for prying eyes. Severus didn't see the boy’s eyebrow arch as he read the titles. He stuffed them back into his bag quickly.

“Sorry,” he mumbled, “New. Just… Rushing to make the train.”

The boy grinned down at him. “Well you have made it,” he said in a smooth voice, extending a hand, “Welcome to The Hogwarts Express. I am Lucius Malfoy. And you are?”

“Severus…” he hesitated, “Severus Snape… But my mum is Eileen Prince.”

Lucius nodded knowingly, “Its good to see another from one of the old families,” he smiled, “I trust… You have more interest in the wizarding world than some of your forebears?”

“Oh yes!” Severus said without hesitation, “Absolutely. I can't wait to get started and to learn everything. I've already read… A few books and I'm hoping I can get into my family's house… Slytherin.”

With that, Lucius grinned widely like a cat. “Lovely. There's always room for more at our table, especially from such noble stock.”

Severus’ face flushed a bit. “M-my family are… Noble?” He hesitated to ask.

Lucius feigned surprise. “My dear Severus, you can't mean to tell me that you don't know about the accomplishments of the most noble house of Prince?”

He shook his head, looking down to the ground and waiting for the moment when the pale, clean looking blonde child would laugh in his face.

“Well, then,” Lucius said smiling, “that's just something we must repair. In the meantime, I'm afraid I have Prefect duties I must complete, but I shall see you at the sorting and… If all goes well…” Lucius grinned knowingly, “Perhaps I can share some of what I know this evening in the Slytherin common room?”

Severus nodded enthusiastically, “Yeah! Thanks!”

Lucius skated away down the next carriage and Severus continued just past the first doors as the train left the station. He found Lily sitting in the first carriage on her own. As she looked up Severus expected a wide smile, but instead Lily's green eyes filled with tears.

He put his bag down on the floor and rushed to her side. 

“What happened?” Severus asked, offering a hug to her.

She accepted it. “Oh… Nothing, really,” she said into his shoulder, “I just didn't realise how hard it was going to be to say goodbye to them, that's all.”

Severus searched inward for a comparable feeling and recalled the sour look still plastered across his mother's face as he muttered a goodbye and raced toward the train. Even during the few weeks of her absence in his Auntie’s home, Severus had been more angry than sad. 

“I'm sorry Lily,” he said, not knowing what else he could say, “But you could write to them? My Auntie said there's a special way they do post at the school. Maybe it'll be better than how muggles do it?”

Lily nodded, wiping her eyes. “I know, I'm just being a bit silly.”

“And look, just before I got on there was this older kid, a Prefect, and he offered to show me stuff about my mum’s family! So I think people are going to be really nice here!”

Lily smiled. “Didn't your mum say that there was something bad about your family though?”

Severus shrugged, “Eh, what does she know? Besides, I think I've been told one thing my whole life. My mum didn't want me to know about the wizarding world and look at how great it is! So maybe she's just being paranoid.”

Lily nodded and took in a deep breath, “Well, it's good to see that people have been so friendly to you. Maybe this place won't be so bad after all.”

“Good afternoon,” a sarcastic, booming voice came from the door to their carriage. A boy much taller than Severus with glasses and ruffled black hair smirked and made his way in, slouching on the seat opposite. “I’m James Potter.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading my story. If you'd like to support me, please consider donating to my surgery fundraiser.


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